Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone!
I just joined today. I have been recently feeling down as my social skills is still an issue.
Recently my bf told me last weekend that I don't know how to have a conversation, all I do is talk at him, go on about the same stuff, talk for hours, repeat myself and always talk about my same interests and never engage in a 2 way conversation.
He also asked why I don't notice that he isn't talking back, looking bored, and not engaging with me.
I am simply not aware that I do that, all I know is that I am very comfortable with him to share and talk about my passion and interests. In no way do I feel like I'm talking at him, plus I'm not good at reading people's body language, so I had no idea he was bored, I thought he was just listening cause he was interested in the conversation.
On the other hand I am very quiet and awkward around people I don't know, don't feel comfortable with or just can't connect with. There are only a couple people in my life I have this over talkative nature with. For I'm mostly known for being quiet, shy and social awkward.
I dunno what to do any more or how to control this, when I don't talk much he thinks, I'm depressed or something is wrong. When I suddenly talk, I'm this annoying machine that doesn't stop.
This is why I don't have any friends really as I don't know how to engage properly with people.
Does anyone else have this problem?
Thank you for reading.
I am the same as this and also don't have any friends. I do live with someone, he is not a boyfriend, but he is one the very few people that I am (well used to be) comfortable talking too. I can relate so much to the idea of being "an annoying machine" that does not stop. I feel as though I am learning not to talk at all about anything I feel passionate about as it is really hurtful when he dismisses it, gets bored or tells me that it is not interesting. When he says "stop going on" I feel as though a part of me is destroyed! He will even just get up and walk out of the room whilst I am talking! I have lost so much confidence and come to see myself as boring, not interesting, worthless and feel as though my perceptions are useless and that I have nothing of value to share.
Your situation might be very different, especially if it is your boyfriend with whom you need to maintain a healthy relationship, but I realised that it is a waste of my time and effort to talk to him about something he is not interested in, and then usually he is not interested in anything I say, so in general it is better for both of us if I do not speak. Like you though, I then encounter the issue of him thinking that I am being grumpy, sulking or in a bad mood etc because I am being quiet and not saying anything.
He also tells me that I repeat myself, even when to me, I am NOT repeating myself, but elaborating on a concept or defining an idea in a different way in order to ensure that he might properly understand what I am saying! If you say the same things in enough different ways, then eventually you will find the right way to convey what you mean to say to that particular person, right? I see no sign from him that he HAS understood so I keep going on until he does! Then he tells me that he understood the first time but that it was not worth acknowledging. I find it hard to accept that something which I might consider to be so fascinating, of importance and worthy of discussion or sharing with another human being, is something that he considers is not worth listening to, exploring or contemplating.
He also tells me that I talk about the same stuff all the time and this is true. Whatever it is that I am currently engaged with, or occupied with in my mind, I will want to think about and talk about nothing else but that. I have also come to recognise that if I am currently fixated on one topic or another, I will really not want to introduce another subject to my brain and therefore, anything else that he tries to talk about will just be an interruption or inconvenience to me. I will try to listen and respond to him but really I am just waiting for him to stop so I can get back to thinking about my subject. Inside I am thinking "why are you talking about that when this is so important?"!
It is a real problem. The solution for me I think is just not to bother trying to communicate but I am not sure that this is the right way for everyone. For me though, I feel as though I just want to conserve my energy for my own inner world and keep it where I can enjoy it and no one can spoil it. I might possibly be able to learn to interact in a way that is acceptable for him and others but for me it is not worth it and it is not something that I could keep up for any length of time. I do not benefit from a more superficial and light hearted interaction, it just drains me and exhausts me and disorientates me, making me lose sight of who I am. I have to accept that when I get carried away talking about something that enthuses me, the intensity, passion and seriousness is just not welcomed or enjoyed by other people. For me, that is now okay.
Wow! I literally thought for a second that I wrote that. Everything you said was on point and everything you said I have felt and experienced.
My boyfriend acts exactly like that too, and the getting up and walking, while I'm still talking really gets to be sometimes, and I end up speeding up my talking, getting anxious and louder, as I'm thinking maybe he can't hear me properly over there.
Just everything you wrote is exactly the same in what I go through.
And I feel the same about, what's the point in talking at all. I use to be a long time a go when I was child at school quite mute. I never talked, it was like I couldn't open my mouth, if I did no sound would come out, teachers were worried about me, one person I will talk to at school and mainly that will be it.
I remember being 15 and the people in my class all ran up to me saying "She speaks" as that was one of the first time I started properly publicly started speaking.
Sometimes I wish to be like that again, even tho I was full of anxiety and sometimes it was so traumatising. But the funny thing is that I am mostly quiet around people I'm not comfortable with, and if I try and speak, I get anxiety, say the wrong thing and go home and reflect the rest of the day about my interaction with that person.
It's so hard sometimes, what do I say, how do I talk, when do I shut up, should I laugh, how is my face expression, do I smile, do I continue talking, is it my cue to reply, oh no I'm sweating, can they tell I'm sweating, do I stink now, should a hole swallow me up now... Argh argh argh.
Thanx you so much for sharing you experience, I totally understand you.
Hope said: being 15
Hope said:was one of the first time I started properly publicly started speaking
haha, for me as well, and to add my bit of rant, my ex left me because it came out I'm autistic, and she complained a lot on me fixating over things, and on me trying to share those fixations with her, and on me having no feelings, I admit I started masking at home at some point to hide my feelings, because I had enough of constant complains, and listening that I'm doing everything wrong, and that I'm not doing what should be priority, which is loooking for work, while the truth was I was working 45h per week or at some point 60h per week for two years, to pay for schools, and looking for work, while she did few unpaid apprenticeships while I was covering all costs, and unemployed between them, and so from 7th year together, it was hell on earth, we stopped talking during 9th, and just before 10th anniwersary, on a way to new years eve party she told me she has a new boyfriend and she is moving out soon, I could only feel relieve, but the party was ruined for me
I love being fixated, living alone allows me to do it unrestrained
i'm just careful about sharing it, i do it only with people that i am sure they have an interest in that area
everyone else, any topic, maximum two senteces. full stop
my first nickname i received from bullies at school was 'robot'
my ex actually called me 'frozen statue'
I suppose I look like that when I'm thinking about something intensly.
Oh wow sorry to hear that you had to go through that. 9 years is a long time together but if you both weren't happy and she wasn't supportive, then it was best that it ended, not in the way that it did. e.g having a boyfriend while still in a relationship and ruining the party.
The amount of times I have had ex's call me an android, and that I don't have feelings.
It is tough when your with someone who doesn't understand.
But I really want to find a way to control being fixated on things, and definitely I will take your advice and try the 2 sentence pause thing.
Thanx you so much for sharing.