I don't know to engage with people

I am the same as this and also don't have any friends. I do live with someone, he is not a boyfriend, but he is one the very few people that I am  (well used to be) comfortable talking too. I can relate so much to the idea of being "an annoying machine" that does not stop. I feel as though I am learning not to talk at all about anything I feel passionate about as it is really hurtful when he dismisses it, gets bored or tells me that it is not interesting. When he says "stop going on" I feel as though a part of me is destroyed! He will even just get up and walk out of the room whilst I am talking! I have lost so much confidence and come to see myself as boring, not interesting, worthless and feel as though my perceptions are useless and that I have nothing of value to share.

Your situation might be very different, especially if it is your boyfriend with whom you need to maintain a healthy relationship, but I realised that it is a waste of my time and effort to talk to him about something he is not interested in, and then usually he is not interested in anything I say, so in general it is better for both of us if I do not speak. Like you though, I then encounter the issue of him thinking that I am being grumpy, sulking or in a bad mood etc because I am being quiet and not saying anything. 

He also tells me that I repeat myself, even when to me, I am NOT repeating myself, but elaborating on a concept or defining an idea in a different way in order to ensure that he might properly understand what I am saying! If you say the same things in enough different ways, then eventually you will find the right way to convey what you mean to say to that particular person, right? I see no sign from him that he HAS understood so I keep going on until he does! Then he tells me that he understood the first time but that it was not worth acknowledging. I find it hard to accept that something which I might consider to be so fascinating, of importance and worthy of discussion or sharing with another human being, is something that he considers is not worth listening to, exploring or contemplating.

He also tells me that I talk about the same stuff all the time and this is true. Whatever it is that I am currently engaged with, or occupied with in my mind, I will want to think about and talk about nothing else but that. I have also come to recognise that if I am currently fixated on one topic or another, I will really not want to introduce another subject to my brain and therefore, anything else that he tries to talk about will just be an interruption or inconvenience to me. I will try to listen and respond to him but really I am just waiting for him to stop so I can get back to thinking about my subject. Inside I am thinking "why are you talking about that when this is so important?"!

It is a real problem. The solution for me I think is just not to bother trying to communicate but I am not sure that this is the right way for everyone. For me though, I feel as though I just want to conserve my energy for my own inner world and keep it where I can enjoy it and no one can spoil it. I might possibly be able to learn to interact in a way that is acceptable for him and others but for me it is not worth it and it is not something that I could keep up for any length of time. I do not benefit from a more superficial and light hearted interaction, it just drains me and exhausts me and disorientates me, making me lose sight of who I am. I have to accept that when I get carried away talking about something that enthuses me, the intensity, passion and seriousness is just not welcomed or enjoyed by other people. For me, that is now okay.

Wow! I literally thought for a second that I wrote that. Everything you said was on point and everything you said I have felt and experienced.

My boyfriend acts exactly like that too, and the getting up and walking, while I'm still talking really gets to be sometimes, and I end up speeding up my talking, getting anxious and louder, as I'm thinking maybe he can't hear me properly over there.

Just everything you wrote is exactly the same in what I go through.

And I feel the same about, what's the point in talking at all. I use to be a long time a go when I was child at school quite mute. I never talked, it was like I couldn't open my mouth, if I did no sound would come out, teachers were worried about me, one person I will talk to at school and mainly that will be it.

I remember being 15 and the people in my class all ran up to me saying "She speaks" as that was one of the first time I started properly publicly started speaking.

Sometimes I wish to be like that again, even tho I was full of anxiety and sometimes it was so traumatising. But the funny thing is that I am mostly quiet around people I'm not comfortable with, and if I try and speak, I get anxiety, say the wrong thing and go home and reflect the rest of the day about my interaction with that person.

It's so hard sometimes, what do I say, how do I talk, when do I shut up, should I laugh, how is my face expression, do I smile, do I continue talking, is it my cue to reply, oh no I'm sweating, can they tell I'm sweating, do I stink now, should a hole swallow me up now... Argh argh argh.

Thanx you so much for sharing you experience, I totally understand you. 

Yes, I have followed the person that I live with out of the room so I can keep talking to him as he tries to get away! I have actually stopped doing that now, but I used to, when I still believed he must be interested!

Oh yes, and another thing I do is that if he tells me to stop talking about something, but I haven't finished and I 'need' to finish because somehow it feels so imperative, I will carry on only in a much faster voice, as if that somehow that makes it better!

I love that on this forum, it happens to me so often that people write something and I think "oh my goodness, I could have written every word of that myself!"

I do that same thing as you, if I talk to a stranger or someone I am not comfortable with or only know in passing, whatever I have said to them, I will go home and spend the rest of the day/evening thinking about it. I replay the scene over and over in my mind and wonder if I said the wrong thing or if I should have said something else, or if I might have made them think or feel something that I did not mean to, or if I may have misrepresented what I meant to say or misinterpreted what they were saying... and on and on.... It makes me feel quite ill and all scrambled up inside. I avoid having to speak to people as I do not like this feeling.

If I am out on a walk and I see someone in the distance, no matter how cold it is I will instantly start sweating. Also, I worry about what expression to put on my face and where to look. I feel so awkward and the anxiety builds and builds as I get closer to them. Then when I get to them, I always smile and say "hello" in a really bright cheery voice which actually works out badly for me as it encourages them to stop and talk! I loved it when we were in lock down and it was for the first time, perfectly acceptable to turn back, cross the road or hide behind a bush if you saw someone approach you!

Yesterday I hid in a field as there was someone on the track ahead of me walking really slowly and, even though I know them and like them, I did not want to catch up and have to talk. And if I am coming out of my house and I hear someone approaching, I dive back in the house and close the door until they have gone past. I can't seem to stop myself from doing this and it is stupid because the worst that will happen is that they say "hello" as they walk by!

Thank you for sharing your experience too, it is so helpful just to know that there are others who understand.

Yes, I have followed the person that I live with out of the room so I can keep talking to him as he tries to get away! I have actually stopped doing that now, but I used to, when I still believed he must be interested!

Oh yes, and another thing I do is that if he tells me to stop talking about something, but I haven't finished and I 'need' to finish because somehow it feels so imperative, I will carry on only in a much faster voice, as if that somehow that makes it better!

I love that on this forum, it happens to me so often that people write something and I think "oh my goodness, I could have written every word of that myself!"

I do that same thing as you, if I talk to a stranger or someone I am not comfortable with or only know in passing, whatever I have said to them, I will go home and spend the rest of the day/evening thinking about it. I replay the scene over and over in my mind and wonder if I said the wrong thing or if I should have said something else, or if I might have made them think or feel something that I did not mean to, or if I may have misrepresented what I meant to say or misinterpreted what they were saying... and on and on.... It makes me feel quite ill and all scrambled up inside. I avoid having to speak to people as I do not like this feeling.

If I am out on a walk and I see someone in the distance, no matter how cold it is I will instantly start sweating. Also, I worry about what expression to put on my face and where to look. I feel so awkward and the anxiety builds and builds as I get closer to them. Then when I get to them, I always smile and say "hello" in a really bright cheery voice which actually works out badly for me as it encourages them to stop and talk! I loved it when we were in lock down and it was for the first time, perfectly acceptable to turn back, cross the road or hide behind a bush if you saw someone approach you!

Yesterday I hid in a field as there was someone on the track ahead of me walking really slowly and, even though I know them and like them, I did not want to catch up and have to talk. And if I am coming out of my house and I hear someone approaching, I dive back in the house and close the door until they have gone past. I can't seem to stop myself from doing this and it is stupid because the worst that will happen is that they say "hello" as they walk by!

Thank you for sharing your experience too, it is so helpful just to know that there are others who understand.

Yet again I could of wrote this myself. 

Yes it makes me ill as well when I replay the scene over and over with different scenarios. 

Oh my gosh I do the same thing, when it's just a friendly person I know who is just going to probably say "Hello" or do some small talk(I can not do small talk). I sometimes pretend that I'm on the phone, where I have to quickly put my phone on silent so it doesn't ring in my ear, and then I have to pretend to have a conversation to no one lol. Or I will try and hide some where and slowly watch them walk far down somewhere, that creates enough distance between me and them.

My little daughter thinks I'm crazy sometimes, as I do it mostly with the school mum's, which i can not relate to any of them, they give me so much anxiety and don't understand the type of life they talk about.

I do feel bad sometimes, but they don't understand the anxiety it causes.

You are welcome and thanx you again for sharing. 

NAS79256 said:

spend the rest of the day/evening thinking about it. I replay the scene over and over in my mind

it;s part of being alexithymic, outside you block showing emotions, back home you have to process them to understand them correctly, good you do that, you do not want to overload the dam