Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone!
I just joined today. I have been recently feeling down as my social skills is still an issue.
Recently my bf told me last weekend that I don't know how to have a conversation, all I do is talk at him, go on about the same stuff, talk for hours, repeat myself and always talk about my same interests and never engage in a 2 way conversation.
He also asked why I don't notice that he isn't talking back, looking bored, and not engaging with me.
I am simply not aware that I do that, all I know is that I am very comfortable with him to share and talk about my passion and interests. In no way do I feel like I'm talking at him, plus I'm not good at reading people's body language, so I had no idea he was bored, I thought he was just listening cause he was interested in the conversation.
On the other hand I am very quiet and awkward around people I don't know, don't feel comfortable with or just can't connect with. There are only a couple people in my life I have this over talkative nature with. For I'm mostly known for being quiet, shy and social awkward.
I dunno what to do any more or how to control this, when I don't talk much he thinks, I'm depressed or something is wrong. When I suddenly talk, I'm this annoying machine that doesn't stop.
This is why I don't have any friends really as I don't know how to engage properly with people.
Does anyone else have this problem?
Thank you for reading.
Hi Hope. Welcome to the forum. Mind if I ask if you've been diagnosed, or maybe even self-diagnosed, so that your bf is aware of the context of the things he's described? If not, then I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you by saying these things, and doesn't realise that you can't change your fundamental nature to a more inherently NT one. But if so... maybe he could try a little harder to be understanding. Maybe you could also ask him to jump in - diplomatically- at those point where he thinks insufficient social reciprocity has reached a kind of critical mass in the conversation. If it comes from a place of honesty and good intention (not trying to hurt), I'm sure you won't mind. It's not so long since I, to my horror, had someone I deeply care for express exaggerated boredom indicators (staring past me, yawning theatrically, etc.) because I'd clearly missed the point at which they went from really enjoying our conversations to finding me discardably tedious. The hurt and internal distress that resulted burns in me every day. That was pre-diagnosis, and my blid-spots were bigger. I wish I could turn the clock back and try harder to meet the situation half-way. The weird thing is, I'd much rather having been hearing about them than listening to myself rambling on, but I think what I now recognise as one end of the autistic inertia spectrum would get locked into because I was in the flow-state of being so connected with them in a way that is, for me, incredibly rare. I miss them terribly. Like you, I'm over-talkative with a select few (and overly-wordy in a way that could almost seem like affectation even though I wish I could be otherwise) and otherwise have to force words out with most. The ones who get bombarded sometimes seem to understand that it's a compliment to them (relative comfort, trust), but I've definitely exhausted patience in some too, and it hurts to realise how much of a 'small doses' person I can be.
Anyway, hope things stay good in your relationship, and don't be too hard on yourself. You are who you are, and your brain wiring can only be compensated for so much. In the end, there might have to be more effort from his side to meet you 'halfway', as he's being less drained by the general societal environment - it's calibrated to him more than you, if that makes sense.
Hi Shardovan and thank you.
Yes I was diagnosed January 2020 and my boyfriend knows. But it's like he sometimes forgets as he likes to point out that I seem normal, but then gets very annoyed when I do something that doesn't seem normal.
I'm aware he isn't trying to hurt me, but it will be nice for him to support me more or take the time out to do his research.
We have before worked on this, and it's was going alright, as he would kindly tell me that I told him this before, or would try and change the subject by us doing something more active etc. But then last week I was so stress with work, so I guess I was just rumbling on about things, but he did ask what's on my mind.
Sorry to hear that it happened to you too. But that's exactly what it is, when I finally have that deep connection with someone (which is rare). I open up. Only one person knows how special they are that I do that, and yet the same I can also drain them, and the others don't understand.
Yes me too, I really do like to listen to others as well, and also prefer it then talking about myself as I like to learn from others.
Thanx you so much for replying back and for your input, I really appreciate that.