Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I feel like there is tonnes of support out there for people who are related to, partners of, or work with autistic people, but nothing on the reverse for autistic people so am looking for some advice or thoughts.
I’ve just been referred for a formal autism assessment so am waiting that appointment. However, my husband doesn’t ask questions, want to listen or engage with anything about doctors appointments or autism. He literally just ignores it and walks away. I feel like he is either embarrassed of me, doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care. I’ve tried to ask him why he doesn’t want to know anything about it but he always twists it back to me and how I’m being awkward etc - which makes me think I am? But in my gut I know I’m not. I don’t know what to ask him or how to speak to him. I want this to be the start of living my authentic life as my authentic self and I feel so happy to have my referral. But I feel like I am the only one who feels like this and to him I am just a weirdo - but it also doesn’t make sense to me, he married me so why wouldn’t he care about what’s going on with me?
First of all, sorry to hear you are going through this. it is understandably hard when you don't feel support from the person you want support from the most.
There are just so many possible reasons. The only way of knowing is when they finally decide to open up to you. They may feel apprehensive to be honest with you, worried about the way you will react. They may just not like labels. They may be in denial about their own circumstances and scared of opening up about them. They might think it is unimportant for a diagnosis. They may have misconceptions about autism. Or many other reasons.
Maybe you are being awkward, maybe you're not. Being seen as awkward/different by a non-autistic person is common. So maybe the way you come across to them is awkward because they are not autistic and have a different way of communicating and seeing the world. Maybe if you write down your feelings they will come across more clearly or try to think of different ways of saying it.
Generally people do like to feel needed but don't take negative statements or implications about them well. Just talk about how they can help you through this process and how much you appreciate their support. Maybe don't unload everything at once so they don't feel overwhelmed. Try to not ask them at a time they are busy with something else or when you know they are feeling stressed.
If they open up to you and you potentially feel unhappy with the answer, feel relieved to at least understand their thoughts, show them you appreciate their honesty and try not to react strongly. Then if they have wrong ideas you can help them to understand the facts but in as gentle a way as possible.
Realize that things sometimes take time. So if it doesn't get anywhere first time, leave it for a week or 2 then try again.
I hope it goes well for you