Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone
I am new here and have pulled myself apart about writing anything as everything is so difficult. My diagnosis is recent being in November last year after a 30 month difficult journey following a crisis that completely turned my life upside down. If five years ago I would have been given a trip in to the future to see where I am now, I would have been devastated. Don't get me wrong, life wasn't easy, I didn't function easily in life.
Life has been an experience of being over-exploited in the workplace (as I cannot say no and I am a people pleaser, plus I always feel anxiety that I will get into trouble for doing something wrong or getting caught out!?). Imposter Syndrome! This led to me often doing other people's work for them, doing two roles plus instead of one, and crashing and burning at night and at weekends just to keep going. I have always been an easy target for bullies too, but crumbled and could not stand up for myself, but I could challenge on behalf of other people.
I have, looking back, so wanted to be liked, I did extra things to try and make friends as beyond my comments about the weather as a conversation piece I've always been awkward. I've been on the outside looking in. Avoided social events, and could only talk to people if it was about work. Polite, well mannered, strong values on fairness and justice.i could not understand how people seemed to get through life and do things easily and seem to enjoy life when my sad life was exactly that. Sad, Hypersensitive, Lonely, pre-rehearsing things all the time. My anxiety and depression have been the only constant companions for as long as I can remember and I am heading towards 50 years of age.
I could not understand why people would lie and treat other people badly to their own advantage and it is this situation that finally tore me apart 3.5 years ago in the workplace. I was the only person who challenged and stood by the targeted individual as what was happening in a professional organisation was despicable. It made me question the organisation, my profession and as the bullying then turned to me I resigned after 20 plus years (despite the union telling me to take them on I couldnt).
What happened next was a complete unravelling of me. I totally crumbled. It started my AS Assessment journey by my GP, but also left me with no me. My whole identity had been built around what I did at work and my profession. When I got home from work I didn't function and just slept until time to return to deal with all the work again. When it had gone, I didn't and still don't know who I am as for more than half my life I was my job role with borrowed bits I liked from popular people to try and fit in and well what a saddo.
For the past 3.5 plus years my usual depression and anxiety has ramped up. I barely leave the house. I didn't have confidence before, (imposter syndrome) but I acted ok and rehearsed to get promoted at one point. Oeople didn't realise how much i was paddling under the surface.
I'm hyper-sensitive and hyper-empathic and crowds, noise, light, everything is a struggle. I panic if I see anybody and go into flight mode. I tried to work part time in a completely unrelated job but would cry in the toilets, until a GP told me enough was enough and signed me off work.
I feel a failure. I feel my parents feel I'm a failure as they were proud of my professional career. I just feel broken. I can't pretend anymore. I'm in a million blank pieces and I wish the world would leave me in peace. But we have got to prove I'm unfit to work which is causing more crises.
I cannot genuinely remember the last time I felt any joy. Because I was able to explain how I was feeling and why the mental health team said I wasn't in crisis.
The journey and support out there for adults is truly shocking. If I ever get to a place in the future where I can, I have vowed I want to help adults (because of all the skills I had) to never ever get to a place where I have found myself.
Hi, and welcome. What you have described is autism burnout (fatigue), and also withdrawl into yourself. Its a familiar story and been through similar myself - keeping any job going for decades can difficult for autistic people just by turning up each day and trying to do the work, but add in work place stresses and bullying then it can become impossible to work. Its a situation to accept as it is, don't beat yourself up - its not failure to be ill, which is what burnout is, you have to be realistic from now on. Mental health teams tend not to be that aware of autism or have any special training, so what feels like a crisis to you won't be obvious to them.
Be aware of what you are thinking, and if thoughts are racing or flooding, because that will be draining and if you have worries or negative thoughts that can increase anxiety and depression, or stop them reducing. There are different ways to deal with difficult thoughts and worries, such as mindfulness or distracting yourself by doing something instead of just dwelling on thoughts, but also changing how you think using CBT techniques. These things are hard to do and keep doing, but they can make a big difference.
I recommend to two books for autistic people affected by anxiety and depression:
Overcoming Anxiety and Depression on the Autism Spectrum by Lee A Wilkinson (CBT self-help)
A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled by Ruby Wax.
Neither will take away the burnout, but they can help you think better and feel better about yourself. You can then start to think about a more autistic-friendly future for yourself, more realistic and manageable. You have a goal to help others so keep focused on that and use it to help heal yourself, as that you need to do that first.
Hi thanks for your reply. I will reply properly later, I'm not being rude I'm just in a bit of a state at the minute as I have a health assessment today for esa. This is all new to me and I'm not handling it very well.