Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone
I am new here and have pulled myself apart about writing anything as everything is so difficult. My diagnosis is recent being in November last year after a 30 month difficult journey following a crisis that completely turned my life upside down. If five years ago I would have been given a trip in to the future to see where I am now, I would have been devastated. Don't get me wrong, life wasn't easy, I didn't function easily in life.
Life has been an experience of being over-exploited in the workplace (as I cannot say no and I am a people pleaser, plus I always feel anxiety that I will get into trouble for doing something wrong or getting caught out!?). Imposter Syndrome! This led to me often doing other people's work for them, doing two roles plus instead of one, and crashing and burning at night and at weekends just to keep going. I have always been an easy target for bullies too, but crumbled and could not stand up for myself, but I could challenge on behalf of other people.
I have, looking back, so wanted to be liked, I did extra things to try and make friends as beyond my comments about the weather as a conversation piece I've always been awkward. I've been on the outside looking in. Avoided social events, and could only talk to people if it was about work. Polite, well mannered, strong values on fairness and justice.i could not understand how people seemed to get through life and do things easily and seem to enjoy life when my sad life was exactly that. Sad, Hypersensitive, Lonely, pre-rehearsing things all the time. My anxiety and depression have been the only constant companions for as long as I can remember and I am heading towards 50 years of age.
I could not understand why people would lie and treat other people badly to their own advantage and it is this situation that finally tore me apart 3.5 years ago in the workplace. I was the only person who challenged and stood by the targeted individual as what was happening in a professional organisation was despicable. It made me question the organisation, my profession and as the bullying then turned to me I resigned after 20 plus years (despite the union telling me to take them on I couldnt).
What happened next was a complete unravelling of me. I totally crumbled. It started my AS Assessment journey by my GP, but also left me with no me. My whole identity had been built around what I did at work and my profession. When I got home from work I didn't function and just slept until time to return to deal with all the work again. When it had gone, I didn't and still don't know who I am as for more than half my life I was my job role with borrowed bits I liked from popular people to try and fit in and well what a saddo.
For the past 3.5 plus years my usual depression and anxiety has ramped up. I barely leave the house. I didn't have confidence before, (imposter syndrome) but I acted ok and rehearsed to get promoted at one point. Oeople didn't realise how much i was paddling under the surface.
I'm hyper-sensitive and hyper-empathic and crowds, noise, light, everything is a struggle. I panic if I see anybody and go into flight mode. I tried to work part time in a completely unrelated job but would cry in the toilets, until a GP told me enough was enough and signed me off work.
I feel a failure. I feel my parents feel I'm a failure as they were proud of my professional career. I just feel broken. I can't pretend anymore. I'm in a million blank pieces and I wish the world would leave me in peace. But we have got to prove I'm unfit to work which is causing more crises.
I cannot genuinely remember the last time I felt any joy. Because I was able to explain how I was feeling and why the mental health team said I wasn't in crisis.
The journey and support out there for adults is truly shocking. If I ever get to a place in the future where I can, I have vowed I want to help adults (because of all the skills I had) to never ever get to a place where I have found myself.
I so strongly relate to so much of what you have written. My experience of mental health services was very similar - I was also told that I was not in crisis because I was able to talk about it. I just don't think the NHS has quite caught up with what autism actually is! I do think that being so frequently misunderstood does lead to trauma and many autistic people are also PTSD sufferers.
I can't tell exactly what profession you were in, but as a teacher what you wrote hugely resonated with me. The stereotype of autism is uncaring and it could not be further from the truth. Work is my life. I teach, I come home and worry about the students, I teach. The pandemic has made my anxiety about going out and 'peopleing' so much worse, so I wonder if that's the same for you?
I love your goal of being able to go for a walk with your partner. When I was going through a really rough patch a few years ago, that was our 'must do' thing every day. I really hope you get there. Please don't give up.
Yes - the idea that all autistic people don’t have empathy is ridiculous - the opposite is true in my experience. Myself and my son have almost painfully high levels of empathy! I also have ptsd after having serious physical illness last year. I found a long stay in hospital almost unbearable (dreadful sensory issues, no privacy, all the people, etc etc etc). It was an absolute nightmare for me and has left me feeling very traumatised. There just isn’t enough (or any!) targeted autism support in mental health services (or understanding in services overall - not just Health services). Soupdragon - you say ‘Please don’t give up’ - yes. Me and my son feel exhausted and it’s hard to keep going, but we keep trying to do our best and try and find solutions to our problems. It’s hard though. There’s so little support. It helps that people on here understand,