Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone
I am new here and have pulled myself apart about writing anything as everything is so difficult. My diagnosis is recent being in November last year after a 30 month difficult journey following a crisis that completely turned my life upside down. If five years ago I would have been given a trip in to the future to see where I am now, I would have been devastated. Don't get me wrong, life wasn't easy, I didn't function easily in life.
Life has been an experience of being over-exploited in the workplace (as I cannot say no and I am a people pleaser, plus I always feel anxiety that I will get into trouble for doing something wrong or getting caught out!?). Imposter Syndrome! This led to me often doing other people's work for them, doing two roles plus instead of one, and crashing and burning at night and at weekends just to keep going. I have always been an easy target for bullies too, but crumbled and could not stand up for myself, but I could challenge on behalf of other people.
I have, looking back, so wanted to be liked, I did extra things to try and make friends as beyond my comments about the weather as a conversation piece I've always been awkward. I've been on the outside looking in. Avoided social events, and could only talk to people if it was about work. Polite, well mannered, strong values on fairness and justice.i could not understand how people seemed to get through life and do things easily and seem to enjoy life when my sad life was exactly that. Sad, Hypersensitive, Lonely, pre-rehearsing things all the time. My anxiety and depression have been the only constant companions for as long as I can remember and I am heading towards 50 years of age.
I could not understand why people would lie and treat other people badly to their own advantage and it is this situation that finally tore me apart 3.5 years ago in the workplace. I was the only person who challenged and stood by the targeted individual as what was happening in a professional organisation was despicable. It made me question the organisation, my profession and as the bullying then turned to me I resigned after 20 plus years (despite the union telling me to take them on I couldnt).
What happened next was a complete unravelling of me. I totally crumbled. It started my AS Assessment journey by my GP, but also left me with no me. My whole identity had been built around what I did at work and my profession. When I got home from work I didn't function and just slept until time to return to deal with all the work again. When it had gone, I didn't and still don't know who I am as for more than half my life I was my job role with borrowed bits I liked from popular people to try and fit in and well what a saddo.
For the past 3.5 plus years my usual depression and anxiety has ramped up. I barely leave the house. I didn't have confidence before, (imposter syndrome) but I acted ok and rehearsed to get promoted at one point. Oeople didn't realise how much i was paddling under the surface.
I'm hyper-sensitive and hyper-empathic and crowds, noise, light, everything is a struggle. I panic if I see anybody and go into flight mode. I tried to work part time in a completely unrelated job but would cry in the toilets, until a GP told me enough was enough and signed me off work.
I feel a failure. I feel my parents feel I'm a failure as they were proud of my professional career. I just feel broken. I can't pretend anymore. I'm in a million blank pieces and I wish the world would leave me in peace. But we have got to prove I'm unfit to work which is causing more crises.
I cannot genuinely remember the last time I felt any joy. Because I was able to explain how I was feeling and why the mental health team said I wasn't in crisis.
The journey and support out there for adults is truly shocking. If I ever get to a place in the future where I can, I have vowed I want to help adults (because of all the skills I had) to never ever get to a place where I have found myself.
Hello - you’ve expressed this brilliantly and I relate to virtually everything you’ve written here. I am so sorry that you feeling the pain caused by all these issues - issues that are so familiar to me (and to so many autistic people I don’t doubt). You are obviously a good person who cares about fairness and justice - and workplaces can be so toxic in so many ways. My eldest is highly intelligent and has an Oxford degree but he’s found workplaces very difficult as he is also autistic and finds to social aspects and the ‘dog eat dog’ aspects of the workplaces he’s been in highly unpleasant. He has principles and a sense of justice and has struggled with the culture and practices of the jobs he’s had. Myself, my husband and my children (now adults) are all autistic - and we all struggle with social anxiety to varying degrees. We are also - as you are - hyper-empathic and hyper-sensitive - and life is frankly exhausting. Myself and my son are both experiencing burn out at the moment - which is why I came on here. I wanted to reach out to other autistic people and see how other people cope. Because it’s so damn hard sometimes. We feel isolated and it’s a bit of a vicious circle - we withdraw because we are anxious but then we end up being even more anxious. Please don’t feel you’re a failure - you’re autistic and it can make life so difficult and exhausting - you’ve obviously worked really hard to fit in and to be productive and a good person in your workplace - you should feel proud of that. You’re struggling now but it’s not your ‘fault’ - so don’t blame yourself for that. You’ve been doing your absolute best by the sound of it - so give yourself credit for that. If your parents love you then they won’t judge you - they will want to love and support you surely? That’s what any good and caring parent would want to do. If they DON’T feel like that then that’s their failing - not yours! I also am feeling the lack of joy at the moment. Long term anxiety usually results in depression at some point. It will pass though my friend - in time, in the meantime please stop blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as a failure - it will only make you feel worse. Practice some self care and nurturing and give yourself time to heal. What do you enjoy doing? At the moment my son and I are going out walking a lot in the countryside and exploring footpaths all over the place - which is good as we get out into the sunshine etc and it helps us. What helps you to feel better? My son finds music massively helps him. Remember that you’re not alone - most people on this forum can relate to what you’ve described here. These experiences are normal for most autistic people. I’m here for you if you want to talk. You sound like a wonderful person. x
Hi thanks for your reply. I will reply properly later, I'm not being rude I'm just in a bit of a state at the minute as I have a health assessment today for esa. This is all new to me and I'm not handling it very well.