Published on 12, July, 2020
I was just surprised with a "pre-birthday" gathering by people from work and I found this very stressful and I was mostly thinking about when I could leave. I am confused and also feel bad as surely I should be pleased that people thought of me and wanted to surprise me? Instead I now wish that they hadn't done it, which seems very unfair.
To give some more background, I am currently facing burnout (and also in bad physical state because of it) and have been off work for 1 month now as a result. I have withdrawn and not seen anyone in person for this period (except for a few short walks with a friend from the lab). During my time off, it was also suggested that it is likely that I am autistic and I now strongly suspect that I am (it resonated so much with me ). Today I was meant to go for a walk with someone from the lab (where I work/ study) - agreeing to this had already taken a lot of courage as I had not interacted with anyone from work for all this time, but I thought it would be good to talk to possibly help me make some decisions about the future and also it felt very impolite to refuse.
However, the person from the lab had actually organised a pre-birthday gathering outside, with 3 other people from the lab- this is a super kind gesture and they are really nice people that I like but I felt very uncomfortable and overwhelmed- I felt like I had forgotten to be around people and it felt like a lot of effort. It was also the first time I interacted with people in person since realising that I am probably autistic- it felt weird as I was more conciously trying to figure out if I was masking. It felt harder to be around people now than before my burnout and time off. I feel weird that I did not enjoy and felt very stressed by this very well meant surprise.
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
I am also concerned that I am now finding it so hard to be around people and I cannot imagine how I would cope with being in a social environment all day again- Has anyone experience something similar? I now just want to withdraw more than ever...
I'm lucky no one has ever done a surprise birthday for me but I was pressured to have a big 18th for all my family by my parents (it was more for everyone else than me it seems) and it kind of ruined birthdays for me. I wouldn't tell new people my birth date for years.
You have no reason to feel guilty. This is a form of socialising that is not suitable for you and potentially distressing! Your co-workers sound like nice thoughtful people but they just didn't have the right information to hand to show it in a way that you can receive. Keep resting and taking socialising at your own pace. Pushing yourself can prolong the burn out. I hope you will be able to express your needs as you discover them and that your friends will take the new information on board when you are ready to share.
I also worry about not being able to return to pre-realisation/pre-burn-out levels of socialising and functioning. It is a difficult thing to to realise that neurotypical expectations are just truly not sustainable. There is nothing inherently wrong with being autistic but I think there is still a sort of grief process having to let go of the masked and self-denying version of you as your main sense of self.
My ability and desire to be around others ebbs and flows and I just try to learn to listen to myself when I've been taught to ignore myself for so long. Its hard to adjust expectations and change how you interact with the world but I find the more I focus on meeting my autistic needs the less mentally distressed I have become overall.
I glad you are now able to be more yourself and mask less- that is what I am also hoping to achieve. At this point, I am often unsure who the "real me" is- I have become so used to masking. Now that I know about masking, I just want to stop as much as possible and be myself.
Today I also realised how much effort being in a group setting is- The past months I was working in a lab/office enviroment for long hours each day and I think because I had to do this each day I didn't even realise how much it cost me. It has also hit me that these past months was the first time for years that I had to be in a social setting all day long (At school I had to be, but at university much less so and in my previous lab, I never had to be in an office setting due to covid). I now wonder if this contributed to my burnout (there were other factors too- mainly that I got so hyperfocused on my research that I neglected all else including my health...).
I've managed to avoid activities involving groups for a very long time now actually...
Your 18th birthday party sounds stressful... I think that would have put me off birthdays too...
I stopped having 'proper birthday parties' ages ago- probably the last one was when I was 12 and then it was something involving an activity that everyone did semi on their own (tree top adventure course). After that it was always just my mum, stepfather and me and when I went to uni I just didn't do anything really... Tomorrow is my actual birthday and I am looking forward to a nice day by myself :) (and possibly with some online boardgames with a close friend).