Published on 12, July, 2020
I was just surprised with a "pre-birthday" gathering by people from work and I found this very stressful and I was mostly thinking about when I could leave. I am confused and also feel bad as surely I should be pleased that people thought of me and wanted to surprise me? Instead I now wish that they hadn't done it, which seems very unfair.
To give some more background, I am currently facing burnout (and also in bad physical state because of it) and have been off work for 1 month now as a result. I have withdrawn and not seen anyone in person for this period (except for a few short walks with a friend from the lab). During my time off, it was also suggested that it is likely that I am autistic and I now strongly suspect that I am (it resonated so much with me ). Today I was meant to go for a walk with someone from the lab (where I work/ study) - agreeing to this had already taken a lot of courage as I had not interacted with anyone from work for all this time, but I thought it would be good to talk to possibly help me make some decisions about the future and also it felt very impolite to refuse.
However, the person from the lab had actually organised a pre-birthday gathering outside, with 3 other people from the lab- this is a super kind gesture and they are really nice people that I like but I felt very uncomfortable and overwhelmed- I felt like I had forgotten to be around people and it felt like a lot of effort. It was also the first time I interacted with people in person since realising that I am probably autistic- it felt weird as I was more conciously trying to figure out if I was masking. It felt harder to be around people now than before my burnout and time off. I feel weird that I did not enjoy and felt very stressed by this very well meant surprise.
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
I am also concerned that I am now finding it so hard to be around people and I cannot imagine how I would cope with being in a social environment all day again- Has anyone experience something similar? I now just want to withdraw more than ever...
I find surprise social gatherings difficult. I have also found groups even harder since we came out of lockdown. I have now got used to not having to go into an office. I would have found your experience difficult.