Mediation - I am autistic and wanting to support my family

Thank you Autimator, I am avoiding his ex, I am not happy to be in communication with someone who is manipulative and abusive, I don't like that, especially when it is directed at someone who is important to me. Thankfully I think she is generally avoiding us too.

Wow David, thank you for such an informative response, it's given me a lot to consider and think about. It will certainly help me support my brother. He's kept ALL the email and text correspondence with his ex, mainly all very abusive, so if it did unfortunately come to court he has all that. Yes, I can see that mediators want to tick boxes and sign the situation off. Your reply is very much appreciated!

Thanks Dawn. I'm sorry that you had to endure an abusive relationship but glad that you were able to protect your son. My brother initiated the mediation sessions having had a meeting with a solicitor. My brother was able to show some of the hundreds of paper trail emails and texts that he had received from his ex, so that was good. He didn't want to go straight to court, hence mediation. I'm glad that your solicitor was able to assure you that the courts would see past the lies.

Until I had evidence shown to me, I was unable to see the lies, manipulation and abuse that was going on around me, I suspect that was because I was unable to understand or interpret the concept that because someone (his ex) seems to be civilised when on public display that it doesn't mean things can be quite the reverse behind 'closed doors'. I shall have a look at the Father's for Justice website.

I very much hope that my young nephew doesn't see that manipulative, abusive and lying behaviour is acceptable. He is a lovely little boy. Many thanks for your reply, it has reassured me that professionals are able to see beyond lying behaviour.

Hi David, if you haven't left the community already, please do let me know what has happened with your reply. 

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

Autistic people can find it hard to read people, or be confused about people, so keeping your distance from people you aren't sure about it is a good idea, and don't get drawn in by them.

I'm autistic and I've been in your brother's position, although mercifully, I had residency for my son and was therefore in a stronger position to protect him.

It was many years ago now, but I don't recall that there was a choice of mediators. They were appointed by the court albeit people could avoid the courts by going to them beforehand. Things might have changed now. I don't know. Can the courts point you in the right direction for the mediation services they use?

I don't know that there are any support groups. My support was my solicitor and my friends. There are groups to support Dads with access and care issues though, I think Father's for Justice might be one, but I don't know what they are like.

If it's any consolation, I was very worried throughout that the courts would believe my manipulative ex, but my solicitor assured me the court would see through him. They did. His own solicitor was trying to shut him up at times.

If you happen to still be on the forum thank you for your replying even if I can't access your original deleted reply, I'm sorry that you are leaving this forum.

Thank you very much. having thought about it some more I came to the conclusion that if I can't detect a liar by recognising certain body or facial indications it doesn't necessarily mean that other people can't detect these in a person. I have to rely on any evidence I'm shown to detect the lying. I suppose my lack of 'reading' a persons face may be due to my autism. Thank you for the reassurance and yes I shall try and focus on the third-party access.

I replied but a moderator removed it and reason I am now leaving this forum.  I beleive this was a bias decision.

I wish you all the best.

Heads up: This post is made by an autistic member of this forum and thus not spam ... it is also not abuse but writing passionately with the intent to help.  ← This in response to someone flagging the post.  
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KNOW WHAT YOUR FIGHTING FOR & STICK WITH IT : Mediation is 100% a buffer zone than it is a place for determining what it best for the child.  Our experience has shown us mediation is just a stepping stone.  That is once you understand that mediation is more reducing the line of people in an overwhelmed system than it is about sorting out all the lies.  This is very important to understand.

I have been involved in quite a few mediations and had a lot to do with family court.  I won custody of my son and recently my wife was awarded fully parental rights of our grandson.  I am diagnosed as autistic, my daughter (who lives with us) is diagnosed autistic and my grandson is diagnosed autistic; LvlL2 All high functioning. Both cases went on for many years and involved several bouts of mediation.  I represented myself with the help of my wife regarding my son.  With respect to my grandson my wife represented herself and then later got legal aid.

First & foremost, understand that mediation is not the place to present paper trails.  Generally both parties in mediation will hold back what they have in regards to evidence.  It is common for one or both parties to claim they have more a case than the other, however most claimants will not reveal their cards as doing so can strengthen may strengthen the other parties case.  Mediation in most cases just ends up being "LOOK - I got this much against you (without showing all the evidence - maybe just a little) where the other party can then either cave in or stand their ground.   The mediator's J-O-B is to get both parties to agree.  That's it!  They are not there to judge or make a determination about who it lying and what is the best interest in the child.  Mediators get credits on how many people they can get to agree.  This is really important to understand.  Especially if you know yourself that the best way to get what you want is to go to court.  

Without knowing the back story of your case and also what it is your brother is fighting for, It is hard to give advice.  You see, if all you have is a few phone text and social media printouts - then that is not much to go on, however - you could still build a case.  Not agreeing is one of the first places you can do that.  BUT if you have medical reports, school reports, recordings, emails, receipts, witnesses, letters of support, creditable/key people willing to make b affidavit and so on ... then it is always best to go to court.  If you don't have these things, then is best to live life working towards then.  That is how you build the case.

Again, not knowing the back story and what it is that your brother is fighting for - You said not custody, so I will assume visitation and some form of parental rights - perhaps shared custody?  There are many facets to request.  If abuse has been involved you may very well want to go to court to get order that are much more heftier than what a mediator is warranted to write up.

Be very careful with thinking the mediation is where all the lies and secrets are to be ironed out.  It is not.  We learned the hard way about mediation and regretted playing along with the 'let's agree' game as it become as I went from on session to the next as abuse continued ... until I understood how the court process worked, finally put my foot down re mediation and build my case.

I can not underestimate how mediation is NOT the place to sort out the lies.  Mediation is 100% about getting two parties to agree.  Depending on the severity of you case and how much you want, this can be problematic at best.  The Orders written at mediation to not hold the same weight as they do in court.  

Either you have a strong case or you don't.  If you have a strong case you are always best NOT agreeing ... stand your ground and go to court.  IF you fell you don't have a strong case - then pretend you do and hope the other party will yeild and then perhaps you can all live off a mediation agreement.  Personally when it comes to my own kids and abuse - I learned how to build a recommend other also do. Never agree at mediation if you feel the child is better off with you. 

Of course if you are just on legally aid - public funds - you can be sure that your interests and that of the child are far - very far - from prioritized.  I've been there done that and seen it all.  In an overwhelmed system when publicly funded (even privately at times) - it can be more about the time constraints, difficulty level/complexity and also which judge your solicitor has to face.  All those kind of dynamics will dictate just how invested your lawyer becomes.  I sacked a few during the course of my case because they did not remember the names of my kids, did not include evidence I presented, as well as basically was abiding to the bureaucracy more than they were representing me and my kid. 

Trust me - Mediation cares less for all the details.  Most public solicitors also just want it over and done.  To them a mediation agreement is as good as a win ... NEXT! 

Be very clear about what you want - if your brother feels the other party is a threat to his child - then it is clear the only way to make others beleive that is NOT to agree.  The court is where lies, deception and all that kind of thing is determined ... not for a second will it be the job of the mediator. The mediator is trained to help you all hold hands and reduce the strain on the court system.  If you don't have much going on then fine ... go down that route - BUT - if your serious about getting what you want and revealing whatever evidence you have ... then court is the place to do that; NOT mediation. 

MEDIATION TACTICS:
I have this you have that --- scare tactic.
Prod - Prod & Prod --- Attitude Test (less of an issue if you have held back your evidence can do the talking in court for you) Otherwise just play along holding your ground.  
The prodding is just about contention that comes from the scare tactics and one's ability to contain themselves.  Like I say, not so much of an issue if you know you have the upper hand or simply just don't by into the mediation game and know the court room is where you need to be.

Mediation is also a place where you will know if your solicitor (if you have one) is going to fight or not. 

Building a case takes time. You need more than a few phone texts and social media print outs ... but they can help along side other stuff.  Just know what you want and be sure to stand your ground.  If you cave in at mediation on what your beleive to be abuse ... then you have probably done more harm to your own case in doing as much.

That's my share ... take it or leave it.  The court system is toxic and so to many of the people in it.  On the surface they all know how to play the PR game ... but don't be fooled.   You need to understand the system thoroughly, know that what you want and stand your ground.  Good luck building and presenting a case.  99% most of the time ... we were better off filling out online court forms, formulating our own affidavits, phoning teachers, requesting letters, MAKE GENUINE NOTIFICATIONS & follow them up, request police reports, welfare reports and so on and on.  Even when my wife had a solicitor, the solicitor stood back at one point knowing their hands where tied, when we pick the case back up we were able to present more because they simply did not feel 'credited' enough to go down that path.

It's like going to see a GP ... if you just follow along ... well ... that's another story but I think enough to make a point. 

Mediation is NOT where the lies are sorted - is a poker game is all.  The other party might concede, might drop a few things useful for your case - but only if your pushing to go all the way ... which mediation does not want. It wants everyone to agree, which could be determinantal to a one's case. 

My wife went on to become a Justice of the Peace.  I was luck to have her by my side.  We both learned a lot fighting not only for our children but also fighting the courts.  It's a bit like that ... I laugh to think how my wife later chose to become a JP.  Sigh ... we also did a few charities.  Seriously ...  don't underestimate what you and your brother can do.  Just learn how it all works and fight the fight.  Child abuse sucks but so to does the process in court.  I guess you really have to weigh it all up.  Is not for everyone.

I understand none of what I have written may help ... but then again ... is good to know how the system works and what you expect.  They are never the same.  Lastly I understand it is not so easy for others to represent themselves which leaves them at the mercy of said solicitors/court system.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 

I can't provide the answer you are looking for as I haven't been through mediation, though in hindsight should have, however I'm sure mediators are well aware of behaviours and tactics used.  All he can do is present his side and any evidence of her behaviour, and arrange the third-party access. They can't know the truth on either side, as they don't know anyone involved, but other things/behaviour might raise a red flag.  Focus on the third-party access, that is the best way forward.

Sorry I should have said, I am the autistic adult in this post.