Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I am 24 and I have been struggling with mental health and eating issues for some years now. Recently someone suggested that I could be on the autism spectrum- when I started reading about it, so much of it resonated with me: All my life I have felt like "an alien", struggled to fit in and found social interactions especially in groups difficult. I have very strong interests and I tend to pursue one of these at a time to the exclusion of almost everything else (usually this is science). I also remember having to work up the energy to put up one of my 'roles' ("social/smiling me") for social situations in the past- in recent years I have removed myself from most social situations that would be more difficult for me to manage.
I am currently struggling a lot with mental health and eating issues- I have always had sensitive digestion and been a bit fussy about food, however a few years ago upon making some changes to my diet, the digestive issues got worse and my relationship with food became very complicated. I end up cutting out foods from my diet for fear of digestive issues and then end up eating very few 'safe foods' in quite rigid routines. When I get very underweight I eventually end up force feeding myself back to a normal weight (suffering digestive distress etc), then once back to a better weight I just want to feel good and the cycle starts over again. Food decisions for me are super complicated- I think about them the same way as I think about a scientific experiment (consider all options, angles, nuances, possible outcomes etc.). I have recently realised that I end up loosing most weight when I become particularly absorbed in my scientific research, as I simply do not want to deal with the food issues/decisions and just end up eating the same foods in the same rigid routine over and over so that I have to think about it less. I have now realised that no matter what weight , I always have quite rigid routines/rules about eating (this could be anything - I even had phases of having to eat 2 pizzas, 2 desserts and only sweets. no fruit or vegetables...). Weight/Shape concerns are not the driver behind these problems.
Has anyone else had similar issues around food?
I am currently completely physically and mentally depleted- I moved, started in a new lab and I worked extremely hard, focusing on the lab/research to the exclusion of all else. I also struggle to say "no" and always want to please so that I end up accepting more and more projects and work and get overwhelmed. When my supervisor or someone asks me if I can/want to work on another project/help out with something, I feel compelled to agree (For me the assumption is that if they ask me this, they in fact want me/expect me to do it- though someone recently explained to me that people can sometimes just ask without actually expecting you to say yes... this has been somewhat of a huge surprise/revelation to me). I also think I may have been exploited at work, which has resulted in additional financial and emotional stress and uncertainty for the future.
I lost so much weight and I am mentally so exhausted that I just feel completely incapacitated. Once I was able to take a short break, I just collapsed and could not do it anymore. I have even lost interest in science and my research at this point as it reminds me of work and I just do not want to engage with real life at this point. I am currently on sick leave. I feel that I simply cannot cope with life. All I want to do is be left alone at home.
The idea that I might be autistic has given me a lot of comfort as I feel like if this is the case, I would not be so alone, finally belong somewhere and also I think it would really help me allow myself to be more myself. Putting on a mask for others and always trying to please is very exhausting.
I saw the mental health team here - they did agree that I could be autistic but said it would take very long to get an assessment. Also they felt that maybe I was "label seeking" and "trying to get certainty" and that in fact it didn't really matter whether I am autistic or not.... - I am always concerned about label seeking (though I do feel like a lot fits), however I do feel like better understanding myself and the root of the problem may help me better deal with it and put in place some safeguards to prevent future burnouts. I am hoping to eventually get assessed.
The mental health team said that they think I will need to attend the day clinic (so this would not be specifically for autistic people, but just the general mental health ward)- the idea stresses me out and I am not sure how helpful it will be and whether having to be around people and in group therapy all day will not just make me more burnt out and exhausted?
Does anyone have any experience with being in a day clinic/ inpatient for mental health issues in a setting that is not specifically designed for autistic people? Did you find it helpful or just more exhausting to have to deal with group therapy, change in routine etc?
I was inpatient before (3 years ago) and I don't think it really was very helpful at the time though I am not sure why... Part of me thinks that just being at home, removed from the stresses of life is the best way to heal, but I am not sure. I do feel a bit more energised after 3 weeks off but still extremely drained and nowhere near in a fit state to go back to work and real life.
Has anyone else had similar experiences with "burn-out"?
I am sorry for the super long post - there are simply so many issues that I am struggling with at this point. Any input would be much appreciated! Thanks!!!
Hi Ann, I am really sorry for your situation but I can also see you're a fighter and it is important to continuously work the road for improvement on that situation. Some of the people with mental health issues I've see often tell me that they work best following a mental health checklist, it can be hard in the beginning, but after sometime you'll get the hang of it. I really hope you get better and never give up, the road may be long but you're already winning it.
Hi Noah, Thanks for your advice. A lot has actually happened since this post. I have since found a new job and moved back to the UK (to Cambridge where I used to study and feel at home). I have officially been diagnosed now though sadly this has not really resulted in more support. I wish I could say things were easy right now- they are not but I did change a lot of things. I gained back most of the weight in quite a traumatic way and lost it all again unintentionally with the stress of applying for jobs, moving and then working way too long hours in my new job and just getting stuck in a routine again. It's sad- l've recently started expanding my diet again but digestive issues are making it so hard and it's just frustrating that I cannot just go for convenience options like most people without feeling very ill and will probably have to watch what I eat due to digestion for rest of my life.
My new job has been crazy busy- I was working most weekends and often only got home at 11 pm or later. I'm exhausted and it is not giving me the intellectual satisfaction or the qualification I want. Instead it is sapping my energy and time and taking time away from applying for PhDs and taking care of myself. But I know that without a job I would struggle too (apart from the financial side). I did send in some last minute PhD applications- I believe this will help me a lot as it's something I have wanted to do for years now. I need a purpose and a goal to focus on. Right now though I'm overwhelmed.
The idea of a mental health checklist sounds appealing but in practice I have no idea how to put it into place- I just do not have the time - with the work and trying to apply for PhDs too, I barely have time to sleep more than 3-4 hours a night and go buy food. So I don't know- and if I do have some time off I am physically so depleted that I don't think I would even be able to do anything nice.
But things are at least moving forward. Hopefully not to the next disaster. but I think I need to focus on the PhD applications to sort out the future- though this has added stress, this is what broke me from my recent rigidity with food as I was so desperate to go on a trip for an interview. I never thought I would manage to travel- I have avoided all but essential travel for a while now- but I did it for the interview too - I did many things that I never thought I could do. I think that just shows that if you really want something you are able to do things you never thought you could . The difficult thing is that it is often hard to know what the right thing to do is... if i knew then I would just do it, even if it was hard. but I think therein lies the challenge, it's not black and white or right or wrong. There is a grey zone, there is no one way of doing this- this makes thins difficult (like my issue with food etc).
Sorry for rambling on so much. I really appreciate the support I have received from everyone on this community. I don't think I could have done what I did without all of you. It's been so comforting to know that I am not alone and that there are nice and supportive people in this confusing and sometimes hostile world.
Glad to know everything is aligning in your life, keep it going, strong and steady. All the best!