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Partner doesn't support diagnosis

NAS76778

Hello

I am a female adult and I think I may be autistic as I have shown traits of communication problems and sensory difficulties for all my life. However I am academically successful and independent so my partner of a few years thinks I am not autistic because I 'don't struggle enough' and 'everyone has some autistic traits'. I don't know if i am autistic or not because i have not had an assessment yet but my partner is not supportive of the idea of looking into it. He thinks the label would be unhelpful anyway but I would prefer to know either way to help me accept myself. I have tried to tell him about what i find difficult but I haven't been able to explain it to him well enough and I feel more isolated as a result. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice?

  • Ditto.

    I too am "academically successful and independent",- against all the odds given both my autism and dyslexia. Does that mean I haven't "suffered enough"? How much does he think we ought to suffer to qualify as autistic? There have been many other pains for me, as there have been for most of us. And no, not everyone has "some autistic traits". Such silly assertions belittle our experience.

    Your partner's assumptions are, of course, based in ignorance, which can be forgiven and he can educate himself if he is willing.

    But you seem to want to know for sure and you are entitled to find out. It's your well being at stake, after all. His reluctance to support you, whatever his personal pre-conceptions, is not forgivable. You deserve his support, not his obstruction.

    Good luck

  • in reply to M

    Also, I have undergrad and postgrad degrees, a professional job, I'm married with two children, participate in volunteer work. I'm 32 and was diagnosed this year. 

  • Don't tell him then. It's your health care at the end of the day. 

    My husband wasn't on board at first but he realised how much it meant to me and has been positive about it since I was diagnosed. 

  • Well, I am a clinically diagnosed autistic and I worked for 34 years in scientific research and managing scientific services in a research institute, have published many research papers and book chapters, and was elected to a learned society that David Attenborough and the ex-Emperor of Japan are members of. Being academically bright and being able to live independently, are not barriers to also being autistic. Being assessed is a very personal decision, prompted by a need to find a meaning in, and have validation for, the individual's traits, history and difficulties. As such, it is nobody else's business; plus anyone with the interests at heart of a person who suspects that they are autistic, should be supportive, whatever their own views. My wife was entirely supportive of me seeking an autism assessment, but if she had not been, I would have sought it anyway. Plus, of course, you do not need to tell anyone you do not want to know, of your autistic status; therefore the 'label' angle is non-existent, if you prefer not to disclose. If you have a private assessment, you are not even required to inform your GP.

  • From my perspective a partnership should have a few elements: respect and appreciate one another’s needs/desires and do whatever is required to build trust. 

    What concern is it to him that you’re not diagnosed? Is he an expert in this field? If no concern and if, not an expert, then it sounds like perhaps he could interrogate his own cognitive bias and appreciate that a diagnostic won’t change how hard you’re willing to continue to work to be successful. 

    Perhaps he doesn’t need to understand the barriers he encounters in life and perhaps you’d like every tool available to navigate? If a diagnosis is a map or GPS, can he appreciate that?