Going to prostitutes as alternative to dating

What I “like” is of little matter. Be the pragmatic Autist you claim to be if nothing more than to issue a little Respect to the other sex in this forum. 

Yeah, I agree that you can't change the past, but the past influences the present and the future, but just because you were socially awkward in college (from a lack of socialization, likely due to being homeschooled), it does not mean that you will always be socially awkward, unless you hold onto that view and never let go of it. 

I think that if you feel like you're bad at something, like social awkwardness, you could build upon that skill. I mean, it's just like your tirade with the whole prostitute thing, at first you're sexually awkward, but after having had experience with 34 different women, you know the lingo and the terminology, and how the system works. And the same thing can be applied to socializing. Socializing is a skill, and at first you are awkward, but the more you try to progress in it, the more experience you will get, and the better you will become.

I mean, I've realized that men and women think differently. I'm going to make a huge generalization, but if I put things in terms of baseball, men want to hit a homerun and get the woman to copulate with her as soon as possible.

However, women want things to slowly progress and mature from friends to lovers, so they want to be friends first, to start at first base, then second base, third base, fourth base, tenth base, twentieth base, and it's just a very long time. And sometimes there's no chance for the man, because the woman does not want to have a relationship, and just enjoys spending time with someone as friends, which urks guys who are waiting for a chance and invested a long time to be with that woman. But to woman it's just a platonic friendship.

It's not just about you being attracted to them, it's about them being attracted to you. Them drawn in by you. That they approach you, rather than you approaching them. It's more effective to give people a reason to be impressed by you, and allow them to be motivated to get to know you better.   

Ohhh the day I long to find a relationship with a woman I can share interests with and have intellectual conversation/debate. I would honestly not care about sex if I'm honest, the mind is a sexy thing  

Actually didn't look at it from that perspective, very true, ou make a valid point 

If all he wants is sex then fine, keep paying for it. But he clearly isn't very satisfied with his experiences. 

It's pretty depressing that you think it's only worthwhile if there was a guarantee of a connection. Life in general isn't like that and it isn't like he is finding that via this method. I thought you were an idealist?! 

Unfortunately men that get into their mid-20s and still only care about sex will always struggle to find a good partner. Autistic men can be very sexy! I personally find it very attractive when men are passionate about their interests (and I don't mean sexual gratification). It can make an average or even below average man in terms of looks seem much more appealing. It sadly isn't the same for women, as too many men can find smart women intimidating. 

And how many women are going to be comfortable starting a new relationship with someone that has been with this number of (mostly) sex workers? Not many I can tell you! He’s mucked up his chances as far as I can tell……

Maybe if it was a no match no fee deal but that’s not generally how match making works.

it all comes down to emotional economics. If what he has to offer (on an emotional / sexual level) isn’t in demand and what he wants is very in demand it’s hard to acquire.

so there are basically 3 ways around that.

1. Get a personality/ body transplant.

2. Fake it and deal with the fall out of their dissatisfaction after the fact

3. Find something else they like about you aside from your personality/ looks. (Eg money) which actually isn’t that far from prostitution.

I guess technically the 4th is find a new ‘market’ to trade in. some place with randicly different women looking for something very different.

But you'd then have to look after a child, ON YOUR OWN which is harder work that paying child support, and I'm not sure you'd enjoy that either... I'm a bit busy right now, so can't give much more of a reply than this right now.

You do seem to be able to see and describe your internal and external situation with unusual honesty and clarity and also seem to be wanting to make a change, so I'm actually quite hopeful that you could be "saved" as the christians call it, reach enlightenment as the bhuddists call it, reach insight as the psychiatrists woudl say, or as I would say, "FIX IT" if you decide that is indeed what you want to do.

Why don't you use the money to pay for life coaching and boosting your confidence? Pay a match maker to help you find a like-minded person. Relationships aren't just about sex, especially not longer term. 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

"guys asking girls out" is a phrase that suggests all ages.

No it doesn't. Not in context. Context is king. And I've known plenty of gay men talk about the 'boys they've kissed' in tis or that place. Do you suppose they were kissing under aged boys or were they just talking colloquially? 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

"I had sex with this girl" is a phrase that implies she was underage due to its context and your relaying your age. 

Wow that's my dream of getting lucky with a spice girl done for then. Or any of the girls from girls aloud. Or any bond girl ever. Clearly they are all under age.

Look you don't have to like that it is normal english to refer to adult females as girls but whether you like it or not its still a fact.

Sorry I'm with him on this. Calling someone under 40 women in a social context has almost a rude connotation to me. think the distinction between the french madame vs mademoiselle. To call a woman who's marital status you don't know madame can come off rude. No one wants you implying they look older than they are. Remember the use of girl to refer to adult women is normal. eg 'girl power,' 'girls night out / in,' the lyrics of basically every pop song ever etc.

See problem is I am 34, I can't go back and change the past. I was denied teen dating and friends being homeschooled. Granted I did go to college, when I was 18 to 22, so I did get to be in a school environment with my peers. But I struggled socially and was outcasted (I was a commuter student and lived at home), so I imagine highschool would have been the same as what I experienced in college. IDK

And in regards to meeting girls in college, almost every single girl at the college already had a boyfriend, biggest obstacle. Also girls at the college shunned and rejected me because of my socially awkward aspergers traits. Granted a few girls were nice to me, but it only went as far as classmate friends, who occasionally had lunch with me, but we never saw eachother or spoke outside of campus. Winter break and summer I was miserable and alone, during my college years. And then after graduating college with my Bachelor Degree, I fell into period of depression. What was a joyous occasion (college graduation) was followed by a period of depression and loneliness. What made matters worse was I graduated college at the worse time in the US, 2010, where the economy was at its worse due to the 2008 Housing Market Crash. No jobs, so I was unemployed, living at home, no car in my 20s, post college. Finally after 4 long years, I found my current job and have been there since 2014, I got my first car, one year later at the age of 28. Six months after I begin working, my mom gets cancer and after a long battle, she passes in 2018 (when I was 30). So see rough life.

I mentioned my mom, as for my dad, well my parents were divorced since I was little and I was estranged from my dad because he was mental and abusive. My mom solely raised me, only child. After my mom died, I recontacted my dad, hoping maybe after 30 years, he had changed and I could have family. I tried, but sadly my dad has not changed and he made my behaviors worse. He began attacking me for seeing these whores, and in fact my abusive dad made my prostitute obsession worse as I began doing it more, just to piss him off. Finally I re-estranged myself from my dad (have him blocked etc) and am much calmer and happier. This wasn't a father giving tough love to his adult son, this was abuse, I know the difference. 

The problem with my car is I drive too much, 30,000 miles a year, that too is another reason I am in this predicament with no savings

And regarding pregnancy, I could try to get full custody of the child, then she would be the one paying child support 

You dont understand, I do not go to prostitutes cuz I am sex crazed. No I do this more out of anger and rebellion. I hate christianity and am non religious now. In fact, I blame the christians for covid not going away as they are the stubborn ones who refuse to get vaccinated.

But ya I have always had a bad side in me and thought being bad was cool. Like I go to these prostitutes more to rebel against christianity and to try to prove I am badass. Like most of these girls I mentioned are junkies, I think its cool that I around illicit drugs and get away with it. Way back when I was a child, I use to glorify the bad neighborhood kids who ran around and vandalized and wanted to be like them and join their group and even let them make fun of me and bully me,  because I wanted to be accepted so much. 

But ya this escort obsession is more out of rebellion, than me being sex crazed. 

Sad truth may be, I am in fact a naraccist, that would explain why I act and think this way. Cuz I even notice here many others with aspergers do not act so angry and self centered as me, etc. I do not think the apsergers is my issue, I think it might be I am a naraccist. 

Yeah I think that because you were homeschooled till highschool, you didn't get the opportunity to talk to girls, or socialize much with anyone, or make many friendships, and you would feel like you missed out on highschool life.

I mean Christianity can be controlling and dictating what is good or bad for you, but you have ultimately taken control of your own life, and decided what would be good or bad for yourself, and the decisions you make is for your own life. 

Prostitutes have flaws in that they have lied, stole from you, and they have STDs, but you are still using their services, because they fill a void in your life that nothing else is able to do at this time. They satisfy your loneliness, and they satisfy your need to rebel, and if you don't have any replacements for those things in your life, you'll just keep going back to them. You're an adult and can do whatever you want to do, but if you want to find a first girlfriend of sorts and be in a long term relationship, being with prostitutes is just not a great way of finding females that would actually care about you in return. 

I know that car payments and maintenence is very costly, and most have to be billed onto a credit card, and I suppose that without the prostitutes, you'd be able to pay off your credit card, and eventually have some savings. I mean if you exclude about 5 to 6 sessions with prostitutes, that would be enough for your car tire payments. 

And yeah, if you have to pay child support, you might not have much of a chance to save much money, and even if you use contraceptives with prostitutes, there's still a risk involved for getting them pregnant, or getting an STD. And it's usually up to the female whether or not she'd like to keep the baby and raise it, and if she does, you're automatically paying child support. 

Thomas, thanks for your honesty and description of your circumstances.

You will get a fair amount of "you shoudl be doing it this way" kind of advice, which will not appear to be helpful at all, if I really do get your post. Theologically speaking, it appears you have been challenged and chosen a solution that you half perceive isn't really delivering what you want, despite your huge investment in it, and you are (understandably in my opininion) annoyed and frustrated. 

Essentially as you are keenly aware you have missed out big in your life. From your perspective you've been dealt a losing hand in relationships, and are playing it as well as you can.

The choice you face is can you accept and learn to enjoy your present life as you describe it, or would you like to try and really reach for what you really seem to want, a relationship where you are valued for yourself and don't have to go broke to get off a decent load? (sorry for those of finer sensibilties, but I think Thomas will appreciate plainspeak).

The good news is, if you have had a Christian upbringing, then you probably have a bible somewhere. It can be a useful tool, even if you have lost your faith. You will other tools and a plan to migrate from what sounds like a very loveless life into a "real relationship" And I'll be straight with you, a "real relationship" with a "real woman" carries it's own hidden non-monetary costs and frustrations, and you still won't always (or even often) get exactly the sex you want, and when you want it. The sex most couples get isn't spectacular and athletic like it is on the T.V. it can be dull and predictable. But it's nice... I had some miserable people living next to me once and they'd shag loudly and for a long time. It was annoying and I'm sure they could have done it quieter. What was sad however was hearing her weeping after he'd fell asleep... 

What some people seem to do is to overly concentrate on the sex, and maybe get super sex too, but like my mate who concentrated on the money and building his business, and was super sucessful but does wish he'd had a kid, you get all the sex but less of the other benefits.

Or you can invest in yourself, accept the lesser quality sexual relief and slight shame that masturbation delivers for a period whilst using the money you are saving to fix your finances. When you eventually get a partner, unelss she is well off, you will suddenly want to spend a lot of money and it would be best to be out of debt by then, and ideally, (if you want any chance of a happy ever after) you will become "debt averse". 

Also, as others have tried to say, you will need to make some other changes in your own understanding of how life actually works, (I'm sorry, I don't know how to say that in a less patronising and offensive sounding manner) but it is true. The goal you are aiming for is to learn to enjoy yourself and your partners more despite how hard it can be at times. I found it was a book learnable skill, but counter intuitive.

And for those of you who look at porn, just try looking away from the genitals and  examine the faces of the participants. On porn hub, if you use the search term "smile" you will some examples of the few times people actually really enjoy what they are doing. Focussing on the sex, as so many people do nowadays, and are constantly encouraged to do by pretty much every "media" 24/7 rather than focussing on the years long task of acquiring and maintaining a decent loving relationship doesn't actually lead to good sex, would seem to be the harsh reality. 

It's always a compromise, and you never get all that you want, but it is possible to get enough of what you need if you are prepared to work at it honestly, has been my experience. 

You've had enough sexual experiences now, you must have realised it's all pretty much of a muchness when you think back on it. There's nothing to keep you in that life really from what I can see unless deep down, it's what you like, in which case ignore what people like me have to say and enjoy it. 

Thomas said:

Now that I am far from being a virgin (I have slept with 34 different girls, more than most NT guys), sex is no longer that important

But why is that even important.... It's not a competition of how many people you can sleep with, I get social pressure and all that rubbish but 34 is a bit excessive (in my opinion anyway) I just don't think people should be comparing themselves to NTs in this area. I don't know I'm obviously out of touch with the 'in thing'

Thomas said:

Forced fatherhood is unfair, guy even has one time hookup and she accidentally gets pregnant and does not want abortion, after she has the baby, he is forced to pay child support despite the fact he wants nothing to do with her or the kid and his life is ruined, stuck in the poor house forever.

I'm sorry but.... Forced Fatherhood may not be fair.... But neither is forced motherhood.... Come on man, I get your from the states but yanno it's a 50/50 thing right? Just remember, YOU can prevent this.... Please don't go throwing the blame at everyone else.

End of the day, it's your choice what you do with your life, how many women you sleep with, but it is also YOUR responsibility to be sensible and protect yourself. 

Also, in regards to my yesterday comment in reply to your horrible post to Juniperofgallefrey that has now gone missing.... I hope your going to apologize for the way you spoke to her? 

Anyway there is my 2cents- Do with it as you will

You are right about how I shouldn't put sex first. See in the past I did because I was so desperate to lose my virginity, so frustrated before. Now that I am far from being a virgin (I have slept with 34 different girls, more than most NT guys), sex is no longer that important.

The reason I go to these escorts now is mostly because I am lonely for intimacy and also to rebel. I have a lot of built of anger inside me, mostly from my past that was unfair. I feel I have been denied dating and think I am rebelling against my unfair life situation. Also I was raised religious in the church and forced to be homeschooled all the way to end of highschool, so I missed out on my teen years. I am angry over that despite that being almost 20 years ago. And in the church growing up forced to hear "Wait until your wedding night, the Bible commands us to wait," being almost brainwashed with that made me angrier and want to rebel more.

So as you see, me going to escorts I am doing more to rebel and be bad, by purposely doing something immoral. Its that more than me being horny and sex crazed. 

And you are right about my high credit card debt, the problem though isnt just escorts, other stuff too. Like major car repairs. I have to get all four tires replaced, thats $500. I have to get new breaks, and that is normal wear and tear, not mentioning all the other car repairs I may face one day. But my point is I have no savings or money, so a major car repair, I have to use my credit card to pay for it.

And regarding being in debt, my bigger concern is a girl trapping me with pregnancy and then me having to pay her child support, which is more expensive that my escort cost each month. There goes my personal freedom. with my hard earned money going for a kid I would probably never see. That is what the latest Victoria did to me by faking being pregnant. More the reason to always use condoms, not to mention STD protection.  Forced fatherhood is unfair, guy even has one time hookup and she accidentally gets pregnant and does not want abortion, after she has the baby, he is forced to pay child support despite the fact he wants nothing to do with her or the kid and his life is ruined, stuck in the poor house forever.

So in the first interaction with any female you've ever met, you put sex first, and you don't really care about the female personally. And I'd say that the only females who would put sex first, and don't care about you personally in return, are prostitutes. You're like them and they are like you in a way. Like attracts like. And all these temporary exchanges don't lead to a long term relationship. And a relationship that only has sex and nothing else is not fulfilling and feels empty.

Your fear of being lonely is driving your finances and your future into the ground. I mean with your finances at the moment, it won't take you long before you max out your $15,000 credit card limit (maybe less than 3 years at the rate you're going). And It'll take you over 10 years to pay it off, and by that time you'll be over 40 years old, your youth is almost gone, your body's starting to fall to pieces, your job will be harder to do, you won't have any savings, and you still haven't had your first girlfriend yet. 

I'd say that your best bet is to work on building yourself up, take some of that money and spend it on a coach to teach you more about relationships and dating and give you some advice. Work on getting yourself out of that debt you're in. I mean it might take you another 4 years to get yourself out of debt, but then afterwards you'll have the means to save up money after that. 

Maybe not the best but one of the few who have decent conversations