Accepting myself

I’ve slightly opened my prison door. I wouldn’t say I’m fully liberated. Not yet. Hopefully soon.

I’ve realised that I’m fine. I’m fine being me. Deep down I knew it all along but I kept denying it. 

I’ve spent years trying to get rid of my anxiety,  trying to be “like other people”, hiding in the shadows so nobody knows who I really am.

Even after diagnosis I kept looking for solutions how to fix myself. 

But I don’t have to. 

I’m going to allow myself to wear earplugs  and sunglasses instead of going through CBT, trying to get rid of “public places anxiety”. I’m going to admit that I can’t hear people at all over the background noise. Wear earplugs at work instead of being angry at people listening to the radio. Admit that I’m not the best at conversations but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. And I’m going to be completely open about my diagnosis because why not? I’m going to wear silly clothes because I want to. I don’t need to blend in. And I’m not going to worry about possible meltdown in public anymore. 

If people stare or won’t like it - so what?

I’m not here to make everyone happy and comfortable.

If they accept me - great, if not f*** them, I don’t have to accept everyone either.

I’m going to accept that sometimes I will be anxious and stressed. 

And not accepted and talked behind my back or laughed at.

And it might hurt me.

But that’s ok. 

Because it doesn’t really matter if I won’t let it matter.

I’ve been hiding for too long.

I’m done.