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Diplomacy skills

NAS76202

My son has extremely complex needs (including autism), and I have type 1 autism too. I have to deal with our local council on a regular basis to keep up with all of the paperwork and sorting out their problems. I generally run my email drafts by my husband before sending them. He’s very good at being diplomatic, and sadly it’s a skill I can’t seem to grasp. 

The latest problem with the council is over a technical issue they’re having which resulted in my child not being able to attend school. After telling them in a lot more words that technical issues are no excuse for not being able to accommodate staff absence, I ended the email like this (hubby was at work).

”I apologise for my forthright tone, but I have already had four years of the council shirking their legal responsibilities towards my son at every given opportunity. Corporate excuses tend to fall on deaf ears now. And yes, I have fully accepted that I will be completely insane by the time my children leave education.”

Whilst I understand that this isn’t exactly diplomatic, I also couldn’t see any other way of getting my point across. My husband had suggested a few ideas before he went to work, but I thought they all skirted around the problem rather than dealing with it. I feel like I’m missing something here. Does anyone have a few ground rules for me for being more diplomatic when dealing with extremely frustrating situations?

  • in reply to NAS76202

    Thats ok loll glad it helped. ive been called blunt too so dont worry. I think its a common autistic thing. We just say what we think. Its not a bad trait though, at least we're honest!

  • in reply to Billy87

    That really made me laugh Billy, “softer words to replace some of the blunt words”. I’ve been called blunt so many times in my life! Perhaps i ought to have another look at my usual vocabulary. Thanks

  • in reply to Billy87

    hopefully that helps

  • I struggle with this a lot too. I really understand. I think its difficult for us to be tactful as we are very honest and say how we feel and NT people arn't used to that. I think its good that we are honest though

    I always re read something before I send it and imagine how it will sound out loud. Sometimes that helps. Also write how you feel and what you want to say and then think of softer words to replace some of the blunt words with and edit it before sending it

  • in reply to Autimator

    Thanks, you’re right. I always struggle to think of neutral ways of phrasing things. This is the latest communique in the complaints procedure following them explaining that they’d not carried out one of their duties because they’re having computer problems and it was another member of staff’s fault for only giving them 3 days notice that he needed a day off. I suppose I was a bit triggered because the member of staff they blamed the problem on is a lovely person and is very committed to his job. I’m also fed up of them giving excuses. They do it all of the time with everything SEN. I’m going to have to learn how to look at it another way though because I’ve got a lot more years of this to come. I’ll google being assertive. Thanks 

  • It can be difficult for autistic people to be diplomatic, we tend to blurt out exactly how we feel and other people tend not to like that.  Sometimes its necessary, as long as its not abusive.  The council are probably used to it, but if they feel you are hostile it may not help your dealings with them.  Its a bit like haggling, if you threaten someone to get a discount it probably wont work, but if you ask in the right way you might.

    A good way to be more diplomatic is to learn to be assertive, rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive.  That can help in other areas of life as well.

    Also, try and calm yourself before you write the letter - if you are angry, you will thrash the keyboard and the letter will probably be a weapon.

    When you write a letter start with how you feel, but then remove aggressive wording and replace with assertive ones.

    You put "the council shirking their legal responsibilities", and you may be right, but its a bit aggressive/accusing.  They may not have shirked, that implies they did it deliberately, in all likelihood they may have been overwhelmed.

    You could have said "the council not fulfilling their legal responsibilities".

    The council might drive you insane but sarcasm is best avoided - it would be better to say that you aren't pleased with the councils handling of things, etc.  and that you might put in an official complaint, if you have sufficient evidence they haven't met their obligations.