Relationships

Has anyone else struggled? Apart from when I was very young I only have very short term relationships- usually about 3 months, and I’m usually the one to end them. It can be years in between relationships though. I’ve always been awful at judging how to get across to someone that I’m interested, sometimes I try anyway and it may or may not go well - I often do cringeworthy things like fail to notice a wedding ring or something. Sometimes though I don’t really understand what I could have done differently, other than be a bit more forward on the times where I didn’t speak up enough - it’s just my difficulty understanding signals over the years, even though I believe I’m better now, as well as generally being an absent minded, daydreaming oddball (even if the women I’ve been with have assured me they find my appearance very attractive), has totally sapped my confidence. I have almost zero success with dating apps. 

I expect a lot of this is more a problem for autistic men, as it’s normally men who do the asking, but I suppose for autistic women there are other relationship difficulties?

It would be interesting to know if anyone has had similar experiences, and if they have any advice. 

Thanks

  • What is it that you see deep down that you believe makes you feel beneath most people?

  • Well I've had situations like that as well, and yes it feels bad to feel left out of something by your partner, especially since you value your partner so much, but if they leave you out of something then that feels bad.

    I guess what I meant was that when we need personal space to recharge, but someone's trying to pull us away from recharging, it's like your phone is at 1% power and someone's unplugging your phone prematurely, it's just not enough energy to sustain yourself, and if the other person expects you to socially perform acrobatics for them to entertain them to appease them, when you can barely sustain yourself, and that's not a good thing to do. It's not good to be burned out and not be able to have a break.  

  • I never got to date; never mind have a relationship. The closest woman I had to a Partner ended up having a Stroke and became codependent and paranoid. (her youngest brother also has Asperger's, and she wouldn't let him out of her sight)

  • Yes I definitely get this burn out thing. I find it impossible to get across to people what it's like so I just don't tell them because I know they won't believe me.

    I understand why you say it's usually better for autistic people to date each other, certainly quite a few of my friends are on the spectrum, people I knew years before I was diagnosed. I apparently gravitate towards people on the spectrum unconsciously. I would say my long term partners had autistic, or at the very least very obsessive, traits, so there were enough similarities. 

    I think because a lot of autistic people get sick of the difficulties of socialising they stop after certain a point, and maybe that's why in my thirties I so rarely meet women who might be on the spectrum - I only usually go out if I'm performing with my band now I've given up alcohol. I'm trying to force myself to go to a book club but I keep reading the books and not going. Three books now and not attended once! I wouldn't even bother thinking about putting the effort in if it wasn't for the fact that I feel I should at least try before it well and truly becomes too late. 

    I appreciate your comments anyway, I'm feeling low a lot of the time lately and the few people I'm still in touch with and trust enough to talk to about this don't understand where I'm coming from about the autism or depression related issues. 

  • Yes I do find it difficult to tell if a woman is interested. I suspect it, and sometimes I'm right but equally it's clear I've misread signals in some way. It works the other way too though, people have asked me why I didn't make a move when someone clearly liked me, though it didn't feel any more like they did like me than the times I've been wrong about it... ???

    Exactly my experience!  I think it all comes down to our difficulty reading social cues and signals and it carries over to the dating world.

    Im sorry you were in a relationship like that. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years with a woman who was very controlling of me so I understand 

  • What hippop said more or less. Get a dog or a tortoise if you want company I'm concidering on getting pet my parents have a dog but it's there's rather than mine. People think they want relationships when there lonly but you'd still feel lonely even in a relationship. But yeah ASD and relationships don't really go hand in hand. Even I've had the opertunitys myself even been asked out on the one occasion by a woman. I say no because the idea of having to be with someone all the time would drive me nuts like unless she was ASD and got that it just wouldn't work realistically. Relationships don't cure lonlyness or dipression though. If anything they add to it.

  • I see where you’re coming from but relationships can help stop you feeling lonely in my experience, but it’s true that a relationship with the wrong person isn’t the answer. That’s the reason why I normally am the one to end a relationship! If we don’t seem like we’re a strong enough match or keep falling out even in the early days or something.

  • I'm single! I think had I known some very fundamental principles of investing in a partnership I may have been able to navigate when younger, but wasn't made aware of far too many things until much later in life. Misunderstanding and misrepresentations when in relationship with NTs are too much and I also discovered that ENFPs are incredibly attracted to INTJs but as an INTJ, they can be very frustrating to deal with unless mature and I've not met a mature one. 

    I also found I cannot focus on self-employment work and also have a relationship. Females may well leave males alone to their man-cave, but I've never met a male who will let me work uninterrupted when they also expect me to help produce an income. 

  • Yeah I don't know anyone in my life where I'd be so open to talk about autism and depression either, so I just come here. 

    I realised that I am not very motivated by social commitments. Unless It's something I have to do, like work or a doctors appointment, I just find it hard to go. I used to go to social engagements due to fear and social pressure, but then I realized that those are not good reasons to see people. I'd like to see someone because I want to see them, not because someone else thinks it would be good for me to be somewhere.

    I think that autistic women would probably be working on their own personal interests, more than they would be out socializing with others, but when they are socializing they are masking, which is probably why they'll be hard to find.

  • I think if you feel content with this then that’s okay. Do you feel happy enough without socialising more?

    Personally I know I need company and eventually intimacy even if I don’t like hugging friends or family or that kind of thing. I would probably be a more sociable person if I didn’t worry so much about how I come across.