Relationships

Never had one and I'm 28 I've had one night stands but never have or wanted a relationship tbf 

I socialize a lot at work, and I appear as friendly, hard-working and confident to others. But aside from that, I'm like a hermit. 

I suppose that I don't mind going to work and  doctors appointments, because I'm not expected to "hang out" with them. I can say hi, and keep them at a distance.

But with friends and family, they have expectations, which creates ideals of perfectionism about how things "should" be like, and if anything goes wrong, it's dramatic and a chaotic mess. I'd rather not be in those types of situations. So that's why I stopped talking to them.

And how you could appear confident in social situations, is that you could imagine yourself alone in your own room, and I think that everyone is very confident when they're alone in their own room, I mean they'll sing, they'll dance, and they do whatever they want, and if you apply that "state of mind" in a social setting, that level of comfort to just "be yourself" comes across as confidence. 

I would also smile and initiate the first greeting to break the tension, and that's also a sign of confidence. But it depends on the social situation. I mean if let's say you're playing in the band, the audience will recognize you, so if you greet them they'll be more then thrilled to talk to you. But if you're at a bar where no one knows you at all, and you try to initiate contact with someone who does not know you at all, they only have your appearance to go by (usually people look at you to see if you're friendly or a threat), and if you don't look so good, they might just find that you're being creepy. 

And social skiils are a skill, they can be learned and built upon. Even people with high charisma will admit to working on that skill for a long period of time. 

Also if you're really desperate/have an opened mind, you could tell the universe that you do NOT want something to happen, and it'll usually bring that thing into your life. Like I'd suppose that many white shirts have been stained for that very reason. So possibly if you tell the universe that you do not want a relationship and you're more relaxed about it, it'll bring one into your life. There's a possibility that the universe works on reversed psychology. 

Thanks!! ‍

Myers-Briggs personality type I guess...

community.autism.org.uk/.../mbti-results

I feel you here! I haven't had a relationship since I was 17  I'm 24 now, I struggle with doing 'normal' things like going clubbing or spontaneous days out or literally anything outside  I've always said to myself if I find someone who can love me for me, I will marry them. Fyi I don't believe in marriage really but I would make an exception

I think they are true statements but they probably become more significant to my mind. I’ll give your advice a try though, thank you for your thoughts, appreciate it :)

I guess it’s all a learning experience… toughens us up and hopefully teaches us not to be so trusting.

I like to think some of these social queues can be learned, but I think we lose a lot of confidence when getting things wrong so consequently you don’t get as much practice. Maybe… ? just a thought. 

I have a bit of a chaotic mind
I can be very slow
I say and do silly things every day
I get words in the wrong order
I use the wrong term
I forget names time and time again
I get lost
I turn up late
I can frustrate colleagues with my absent mindedness

I would list these traits (as above) and put each of them through some gentle, but honest investigation. Right now, you believe them to be true and this is what is causing you pain.  I would get really still and contemplate each thought to find out if it is true, and find out how you treat yourself as a result of believing each one to be true.

Rather than try to think of kind thoughts, take your un-kind thoughts and put them under some gentle, but honest scrutiny. That's real kindness and compassion.

Sometimes, we take our negative mental narratives as gospel and then live out the rest of our lives suffering unnecessarily. 

A few things really. Some examples - I have a bit of a chaotic mind, I can be very slow and I say and do silly things every day  - get words in the wrong order, use the wrong term, forget names time and time again, get lost, turn up late, and I can frustrate colleagues with my absent mindedness. I’ve struggled with work and although almost always had a job, usually full time, as well as being in a band I’ve usually not earned much money.

I’m not trying to be deliberately down on myself by the way, just trying to give a sincere answer. Even if I try to think kinder thoughts about myself it doesn’t change the way I feel. 

My early experiences are similar.. but then that’s hindsight for you.

Can I ask what you mean by ENFPs and INTJs?

I think if you feel content with this then that’s okay. Do you feel happy enough without socialising more?

Personally I know I need company and eventually intimacy even if I don’t like hugging friends or family or that kind of thing. I would probably be a more sociable person if I didn’t worry so much about how I come across. 

Yeah I don't know anyone in my life where I'd be so open to talk about autism and depression either, so I just come here. 

I realised that I am not very motivated by social commitments. Unless It's something I have to do, like work or a doctors appointment, I just find it hard to go. I used to go to social engagements due to fear and social pressure, but then I realized that those are not good reasons to see people. I'd like to see someone because I want to see them, not because someone else thinks it would be good for me to be somewhere.

I think that autistic women would probably be working on their own personal interests, more than they would be out socializing with others, but when they are socializing they are masking, which is probably why they'll be hard to find.

I'm single! I think had I known some very fundamental principles of investing in a partnership I may have been able to navigate when younger, but wasn't made aware of far too many things until much later in life. Misunderstanding and misrepresentations when in relationship with NTs are too much and I also discovered that ENFPs are incredibly attracted to INTJs but as an INTJ, they can be very frustrating to deal with unless mature and I've not met a mature one. 

I also found I cannot focus on self-employment work and also have a relationship. Females may well leave males alone to their man-cave, but I've never met a male who will let me work uninterrupted when they also expect me to help produce an income. 

I see where you’re coming from but relationships can help stop you feeling lonely in my experience, but it’s true that a relationship with the wrong person isn’t the answer. That’s the reason why I normally am the one to end a relationship! If we don’t seem like we’re a strong enough match or keep falling out even in the early days or something.

What hippop said more or less. Get a dog or a tortoise if you want company I'm concidering on getting pet my parents have a dog but it's there's rather than mine. People think they want relationships when there lonly but you'd still feel lonely even in a relationship. But yeah ASD and relationships don't really go hand in hand. Even I've had the opertunitys myself even been asked out on the one occasion by a woman. I say no because the idea of having to be with someone all the time would drive me nuts like unless she was ASD and got that it just wouldn't work realistically. Relationships don't cure lonlyness or dipression though. If anything they add to it.

Roguelife said:

Yes I do find it difficult to tell if a woman is interested. I suspect it, and sometimes I'm right but equally it's clear I've misread signals in some way. It works the other way too though, people have asked me why I didn't make a move when someone clearly liked me, though it didn't feel any more like they did like me than the times I've been wrong about it... ???

Exactly my experience!  I think it all comes down to our difficulty reading social cues and signals and it carries over to the dating world.

Im sorry you were in a relationship like that. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years with a woman who was very controlling of me so I understand 

Yes I definitely get this burn out thing. I find it impossible to get across to people what it's like so I just don't tell them because I know they won't believe me.

I understand why you say it's usually better for autistic people to date each other, certainly quite a few of my friends are on the spectrum, people I knew years before I was diagnosed. I apparently gravitate towards people on the spectrum unconsciously. I would say my long term partners had autistic, or at the very least very obsessive, traits, so there were enough similarities. 

I think because a lot of autistic people get sick of the difficulties of socialising they stop after certain a point, and maybe that's why in my thirties I so rarely meet women who might be on the spectrum - I only usually go out if I'm performing with my band now I've given up alcohol. I'm trying to force myself to go to a book club but I keep reading the books and not going. Three books now and not attended once! I wouldn't even bother thinking about putting the effort in if it wasn't for the fact that I feel I should at least try before it well and truly becomes too late. 

I appreciate your comments anyway, I'm feeling low a lot of the time lately and the few people I'm still in touch with and trust enough to talk to about this don't understand where I'm coming from about the autism or depression related issues. 

I never got to date; never mind have a relationship. The closest woman I had to a Partner ended up having a Stroke and became codependent and paranoid. (her youngest brother also has Asperger's, and she wouldn't let him out of her sight)

Well I've had situations like that as well, and yes it feels bad to feel left out of something by your partner, especially since you value your partner so much, but if they leave you out of something then that feels bad.

I guess what I meant was that when we need personal space to recharge, but someone's trying to pull us away from recharging, it's like your phone is at 1% power and someone's unplugging your phone prematurely, it's just not enough energy to sustain yourself, and if the other person expects you to socially perform acrobatics for them to entertain them to appease them, when you can barely sustain yourself, and that's not a good thing to do. It's not good to be burned out and not be able to have a break.  

What is it that you see deep down that you believe makes you feel beneath most people?