Relationships

It does seem like these kinds of experiences are common to people on the spectrum. How do you wind down after socialising? Do you feel keyed up or agitated as well as being exhausted? I’ve had a lot on this week, including social occasions, got my dads birthday party to go to tonight as well, and I end up feeling wired at the end of it. A lot of it is worry but it doesn’t even matter what’s on my mind, I just feel this intense anxious energy which doesn’t go away for some time after.

I've only been in a relationship the once and it wasn't a good experience. I didn't know what to do or how to act and behave, so needless to say it didn't work out. I've been tempted to try again but I don't think I'd be a good girlfriend so I don't bother.

Yeah, I love people. In the right mood, I'll party and enjoy it. I can be a very good friend one on one with people, when I can really listen and process their needs. In groups, I loose the thread a bit and generally don't get the jokes, so sit on the periphery. But it's nice just being around those dear to me.

But, it's exhausting and now I have a diagnosis, I'm figuring out why this has always been so. It's a lot of hard work working out what's going on for others when you can't just read it and then working out how to respond.

I am socially a bit gauche, of course, but I guess I've always been lucky in having some lovely unconventional people around me who notice my quirks, but don't care and love me any way.

But I also need a lot of time alone, just to rest, think and do my own thing. I do also dip out of engagements at times because it's just all too much today and I need to disengage from the world a while.

Sorry to hear about these problems. In what kind of situations does your husband's difficulties with reading emotion present themselves? 

Thank you! That's very nice of you ️

I'm sure you'll have opportunities to meet someone who understands you. It sound like you're still at school which can be a difficult time, especially if you have some extra challenges in life. I wish you luck. 

Do you experience this same dilemma?

I really like people, I like hearing what they have to say and getting people's opinions and sharing my own opinions. I like to talk about things in depth actually. This suits some but for a lot it's probably tedious. Connection is very very important to me, and I especially missed having people to talk to outside of work during the lockdown (I worked through the pandemic as I was working in social care at the time). But I also go very very quite and need time to myself, preferably to read or write but it seems just as important to just stare silently into space... And I've become crushingly self conscious, which can actually make a lot of social experiences far more painful than beneficial which is sad. My poor short term memory and clumsiness is where a lot of the self consciousness comes from. And I worry about the way I look... but then who doesn't?

I find relationships confusing at school I've been interested in boys but none seem to be interested in me maybe because I look and act differently or maybe I'm just not very pretty

I'm deaf as well which may put people of me

I'm hoping one day someone will understand me and I can start a relationship but I'm not sure if that will happen because of the asd

Thank you for the kind words. Perhaps the right person is out there, it’s just got to the point where it’s getting to me I suppose.

Yes, that's the dilemma.  Need to be alone v need for connection. Tell me about it.

Ok. So what I'm hearing is responsible guy who holds down a job and by the way has ooodles of creativity and in a band. What's not to love? The right person is out there however awkward it feels expressing yourself. 

Hi

my husband has been diagnosed as Autistic after the last three years of us slowly realising it. It’s a real struggle for us now and we have two small children. Hubby can’t read emotion at all really and therefore he also cannot emotionally support me or the kids and it’s causing massive problems for family life. 

I wonder if people with autism find it more difficult to respond in a spontaneous way socially? Maybe it’s difficult for everyone, I don’t know. But I think the way forward for me, as I relearn how to socialise post-lockdown, could be preparing a few responses I can turn to in situations when I’m too overwhelmed to think of something to say spontaneously. 

You're getting approached by women who like your band, which is good. I suppose you could have exhanged contact details with each other, and then started texting, and maybe go on a date with her if she is interested. 

Yeah, preparing responses is a good idea, and it's something that I would do too. I mean, it's better to be over prepared than under prepared, so when the opportunity rises again, you're ready. 

I found someone like me when I least expected it. the same might happen for you

I love pubs but only quiet ones. I hate clubs! I feel so peaceful in a nice bookshop, its so much better

It's nice to know people get it! Also yes drinking became a bit of an issue for me so I stopped and haven't drunk in a good few years. But back to the subject I would love it if people appreciated a, Books and museums as much as they appreciate pubs/clubs and cinemas. 

Well you never know one day I might feel love for someone who knows

I am the same. I love libraries and bookshops. I used to be a massive drinker and go clubbing a lot but now I would hate the idea of a nightclub,

I still like a drink but I dont like getting drunk anymore. Aside from everything else, I hate the feeling of not being in control

I know the feeling. I think the assurance of knowing you've got someone you love by your side gives marriage an appeal, even if, like you, I don't really think a lot of marriage as an institution. 

At 34 I don't think I'll be going clubbing much anymore, although when I descend back into drinking too much it does happen! I never liked clubs without being drunk though, and this is the problem - I much prefer libraries and art galleries than pubs and clubs, however, as a drinker I thrived on the nightlife. It's just unfortunate that I can't be moderate enough to enjoy a sensible amount...

Thanks for the link. Apparently I'm an INFP-T. 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia said:

There's a possibility that the universe works on reversed psychology. 

Haha!

Thanks for the advice. I performed on the weekend but was too overwhelmed for it to even occur to me to speak properly to a woman who came up to me to say she liked my band. Kind of a missed opportunity there but I guess I have to treat it as a learning experience. I used to drink a lot and was able to talk with more ease but I had to stop that. Now I need to learn and maybe prepare a few set responses for when I meet people I think, otherwise I may a well not bother trying to socialise.