Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anyone else struggled? Apart from when I was very young I only have very short term relationships- usually about 3 months, and I’m usually the one to end them. It can be years in between relationships though. I’ve always been awful at judging how to get across to someone that I’m interested, sometimes I try anyway and it may or may not go well - I often do cringeworthy things like fail to notice a wedding ring or something. Sometimes though I don’t really understand what I could have done differently, other than be a bit more forward on the times where I didn’t speak up enough - it’s just my difficulty understanding signals over the years, even though I believe I’m better now, as well as generally being an absent minded, daydreaming oddball (even if the women I’ve been with have assured me they find my appearance very attractive), has totally sapped my confidence. I have almost zero success with dating apps.
I expect a lot of this is more a problem for autistic men, as it’s normally men who do the asking, but I suppose for autistic women there are other relationship difficulties?
It would be interesting to know if anyone has had similar experiences, and if they have any advice.
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I can relate to some of your experiences. Before I met my wife I had been in some horrific relationships. I had no idea how either me or the other person should behave and I would drive women away with my insecurity as well as putting up with treatment from partners that I should never have put up with.
I also totally relate to the difficulty with telling people you are interested. Do you also find it difficult knowing whether a girl is interested in you? I used to have terrible trouble with that. I would be completely oblivious to girls that actually liked me. I would misread signs terribly and think that girls were interested in me when they wern't as well which caused me a lot of problems. Girls would act like I was bothering them when I thought they actually liked me. It was a nightmare.
The only advice I can give, and it sounds a bit strange, is maybe don't go for a so called "normal" girl. Try to find someone like you. I was treated quite badly by NT girlfriends. My wife on the other hand, went to a SEN school and, although not autistic, has similar needs of her own so she understands me and has alot more patience with me than a NT girl would.
Oh and Im an absent minded oddball too so I understand!
BillyC87 said: Try to find someone like you. I was treated quite badly by NT girlfriends.
I've been manipulated before, thankfully it's only been in the one relationship but I was extremely naive about it for my age - 32 at the time. She got away with a lot because I couldn't imagine she, or really anyone, could be so callous towards another human being - let alone someone you're romantically involved with.
Yes I do find it difficult to tell if a woman is interested. I suspect it, and sometimes I'm right but equally it's clear I've misread signals in some way. It works the other way too though, people have asked me why I didn't make a move when someone clearly liked me, though it didn't feel any more like they did like me than the times I've been wrong about it... ???
Roguelife said:Yes I do find it difficult to tell if a woman is interested. I suspect it, and sometimes I'm right but equally it's clear I've misread signals in some way. It works the other way too though, people have asked me why I didn't make a move when someone clearly liked me, though it didn't feel any more like they did like me than the times I've been wrong about it... ???
Exactly my experience! I think it all comes down to our difficulty reading social cues and signals and it carries over to the dating world.
Im sorry you were in a relationship like that. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years with a woman who was very controlling of me so I understand
I guess it’s all a learning experience… toughens us up and hopefully teaches us not to be so trusting.
I like to think some of these social queues can be learned, but I think we lose a lot of confidence when getting things wrong so consequently you don’t get as much practice. Maybe… ? just a thought.