Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anyone else struggled? Apart from when I was very young I only have very short term relationships- usually about 3 months, and I’m usually the one to end them. It can be years in between relationships though. I’ve always been awful at judging how to get across to someone that I’m interested, sometimes I try anyway and it may or may not go well - I often do cringeworthy things like fail to notice a wedding ring or something. Sometimes though I don’t really understand what I could have done differently, other than be a bit more forward on the times where I didn’t speak up enough - it’s just my difficulty understanding signals over the years, even though I believe I’m better now, as well as generally being an absent minded, daydreaming oddball (even if the women I’ve been with have assured me they find my appearance very attractive), has totally sapped my confidence. I have almost zero success with dating apps.
I expect a lot of this is more a problem for autistic men, as it’s normally men who do the asking, but I suppose for autistic women there are other relationship difficulties?
It would be interesting to know if anyone has had similar experiences, and if they have any advice.
Thanks
I think that online dating apps for guys is difficult in general, at least from the videos I've seen talking about them. They'll do this experiment, where a girl poses as a guy and on the dating app expecting to be bombarded with messages, but no one really notices them, to the point that it's soul destroying. But for girls using the dating apps, they are usually flooded by messages. I've never cared much about trying out dating apps myself though, because it's too much socializing with people who have ulterior motives, and I don't really care for that.
I'm really lazy when it comes to dating, romance, and relationships. I would not want to date an NT, because if I'm working on something, they feel ignored, so they try to pull my attention away from it and onto them, they want the attention to always be on them 24/7 or else they're not happy and they feel unloved and think I'm a bad person and start treating me like one. I cannot provide all the attention and affection they are looking for, and I know that they won't be happy, because they might think that I'm emotionally distant, so I avoid dating them because it's unfair for them. There'a so many other NT out there that they can find one of those people to date and be happy with.
I just try to date ND people, who get lost in the work they're doing, just like I do, and we give each other space to pursue our own interests, and there's a mutual understanding of the need for personal space. I can be in my own little world, and they can be in theirs, and then once in awhile we take a break to chat to each other, and these chats are always interesting, and then we refocus on being in our own little world. I mean that's not the type of life for everyone, but it works well for us.
I think autistic people can be like that as well though. At about age 20 I remember being incredibly petulant about being left out by my girlfriend when she spent time with her friends. The reason was likely very low self esteem but still doesn't make it okay. I've matured since then (I hope).
I do need time to myself though, possibly it's more important for autistic people, I don't know. I get lonely but I've worked hard to ensure I have my own space almost whenever I need it.
Yes, that's the dilemma. Need to be alone v need for connection. Tell me about it.
It does seem like these kinds of experiences are common to people on the spectrum. How do you wind down after socialising? Do you feel keyed up or agitated as well as being exhausted? I’ve had a lot on this week, including social occasions, got my dads birthday party to go to tonight as well, and I end up feeling wired at the end of it. A lot of it is worry but it doesn’t even matter what’s on my mind, I just feel this intense anxious energy which doesn’t go away for some time after.
Yeah, I love people. In the right mood, I'll party and enjoy it. I can be a very good friend one on one with people, when I can really listen and process their needs. In groups, I loose the thread a bit and generally don't get the jokes, so sit on the periphery. But it's nice just being around those dear to me.
But, it's exhausting and now I have a diagnosis, I'm figuring out why this has always been so. It's a lot of hard work working out what's going on for others when you can't just read it and then working out how to respond.
I am socially a bit gauche, of course, but I guess I've always been lucky in having some lovely unconventional people around me who notice my quirks, but don't care and love me any way.
But I also need a lot of time alone, just to rest, think and do my own thing. I do also dip out of engagements at times because it's just all too much today and I need to disengage from the world a while.
Do you experience this same dilemma?
I really like people, I like hearing what they have to say and getting people's opinions and sharing my own opinions. I like to talk about things in depth actually. This suits some but for a lot it's probably tedious. Connection is very very important to me, and I especially missed having people to talk to outside of work during the lockdown (I worked through the pandemic as I was working in social care at the time). But I also go very very quite and need time to myself, preferably to read or write but it seems just as important to just stare silently into space... And I've become crushingly self conscious, which can actually make a lot of social experiences far more painful than beneficial which is sad. My poor short term memory and clumsiness is where a lot of the self consciousness comes from. And I worry about the way I look... but then who doesn't?