Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anyone else struggled? Apart from when I was very young I only have very short term relationships- usually about 3 months, and I’m usually the one to end them. It can be years in between relationships though. I’ve always been awful at judging how to get across to someone that I’m interested, sometimes I try anyway and it may or may not go well - I often do cringeworthy things like fail to notice a wedding ring or something. Sometimes though I don’t really understand what I could have done differently, other than be a bit more forward on the times where I didn’t speak up enough - it’s just my difficulty understanding signals over the years, even though I believe I’m better now, as well as generally being an absent minded, daydreaming oddball (even if the women I’ve been with have assured me they find my appearance very attractive), has totally sapped my confidence. I have almost zero success with dating apps.
I expect a lot of this is more a problem for autistic men, as it’s normally men who do the asking, but I suppose for autistic women there are other relationship difficulties?
It would be interesting to know if anyone has had similar experiences, and if they have any advice.
Thanks
I think that online dating apps for guys is difficult in general, at least from the videos I've seen talking about them. They'll do this experiment, where a girl poses as a guy and on the dating app expecting to be bombarded with messages, but no one really notices them, to the point that it's soul destroying. But for girls using the dating apps, they are usually flooded by messages. I've never cared much about trying out dating apps myself though, because it's too much socializing with people who have ulterior motives, and I don't really care for that.
I'm really lazy when it comes to dating, romance, and relationships. I would not want to date an NT, because if I'm working on something, they feel ignored, so they try to pull my attention away from it and onto them, they want the attention to always be on them 24/7 or else they're not happy and they feel unloved and think I'm a bad person and start treating me like one. I cannot provide all the attention and affection they are looking for, and I know that they won't be happy, because they might think that I'm emotionally distant, so I avoid dating them because it's unfair for them. There'a so many other NT out there that they can find one of those people to date and be happy with.
I just try to date ND people, who get lost in the work they're doing, just like I do, and we give each other space to pursue our own interests, and there's a mutual understanding of the need for personal space. I can be in my own little world, and they can be in theirs, and then once in awhile we take a break to chat to each other, and these chats are always interesting, and then we refocus on being in our own little world. I mean that's not the type of life for everyone, but it works well for us.
I think autistic people can be like that as well though. At about age 20 I remember being incredibly petulant about being left out by my girlfriend when she spent time with her friends. The reason was likely very low self esteem but still doesn't make it okay. I've matured since then (I hope).
I do need time to myself though, possibly it's more important for autistic people, I don't know. I get lonely but I've worked hard to ensure I have my own space almost whenever I need it.
Well I've had situations like that as well, and yes it feels bad to feel left out of something by your partner, especially since you value your partner so much, but if they leave you out of something then that feels bad.
I guess what I meant was that when we need personal space to recharge, but someone's trying to pull us away from recharging, it's like your phone is at 1% power and someone's unplugging your phone prematurely, it's just not enough energy to sustain yourself, and if the other person expects you to socially perform acrobatics for them to entertain them to appease them, when you can barely sustain yourself, and that's not a good thing to do. It's not good to be burned out and not be able to have a break.
I wonder if people with autism find it more difficult to respond in a spontaneous way socially? Maybe it’s difficult for everyone, I don’t know. But I think the way forward for me, as I relearn how to socialise post-lockdown, could be preparing a few responses I can turn to in situations when I’m too overwhelmed to think of something to say spontaneously.
You're getting approached by women who like your band, which is good. I suppose you could have exhanged contact details with each other, and then started texting, and maybe go on a date with her if she is interested.
Yeah, preparing responses is a good idea, and it's something that I would do too. I mean, it's better to be over prepared than under prepared, so when the opportunity rises again, you're ready.