Published on 12, July, 2020
I haven't ever made a public post about my autism like this, I just know I want to say something... even if I'm not 100% sure what that something is.
I'm self-diagnosed, I started finally accepting that I'm autistic a few months ago now and I'm currently in training for my first job in 5 years. I'm 27 now and I have had a few jobs in the past, usually they lasted around 1 month and I managed to stick with one for about 6 months. For a long time, I thought I had just been so unlucky with the life I got (abusive parents, exposure to violence and drugs growing up, neglectful teachers, exploitative employers, and so on) that when I finally got a home I can live in alone through social housing and benefits that, mostly, got me enough money to stay alive. Hm, that sentence sure did get long.
Anyway, when I finally got this home I thought "Now I can recover from all those traumatic experiences at my own pace, and eventually I'll be able to cope with normal life as a normal person". But, if I'm right about how my autism has affected my experiences then maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have been, maybe the idea of recovering and becoming normal is flawed. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat the pattern and the job I have now is going to break me again.
Ah, this job. It's a call centre job and I work it from home on my PC. I have worked in 2 other call centres in the past, the first was temporary. Just a week long and it was bearable. The second was the most difficult time of my entire life, worse than growing up in my family, worse than the isolation and bullying in high school. Frankly, it made me suicidal and one of the two friends I had at the time become more resentful of me the more negative I became. Now, my current job I haven't officially started and maybe it'll be fine. After all, I found it through a "work and health programme" in the job centre after I specifically asked for minimum customer service and stress. But the training so far has been giving me flashbacks, I hear phrases like "rapport" and "soft skills" and I instantly clench up and feel nauseous and after just 3 days I've been crying and self-medicating with alcohol.
I just don't know what to do. I can take care of myself, I can cook and clean and maintain hygiene. I just haven't been able to survive in any job I've had and I don't even know what I can ask an employer to do to help me cope better. Will short shifts help? Will a less social job help? Are there even entry-level jobs I can do that aren't hospitality or customer service? It's not like I'm not capable of getting educated or learning skills, I got a microbiology degree and sure I don't know what I can do with it but I like to think it counts for something. I need money to live but all the ways I can find of getting money are harmful to me and it's not like Universal Credit is enough to keep living on if I ever want to pay off debts or to have a decent quality of life. I'm pretty sure I'm too "functioning" to get any other kinds of benefits.
So this is my life now. Trying whatever job I can get, inevitably more call centre work, and hoping it'll just happen to work out for me because I don't know what realistic adjustments I can hope for. "Hello, I see conversations as simple exchanges of information and trying to force myself to behave in the ways you want burn me out, can I please never have to talk to someone?" By the way, it's not like I *want* to avoid people, I'm actually quite a lonely person and I love interacting with people even if it is tiring. It's just the way employers demand I communicate that I can't deal with.
Finally, in an attempt to get some kind of question out of this so it's less of a pointless shout into the void, has anyone had similar experiences? Has anyone found ways to make work life more bearable? Are there any suggestions for work that might be suitable for me?
I am so glad you wrote a detailed post of your employment challenges. It was like I had written it myself. I really know how you are feeling with all the you have discussed from the work environment through to the types of people in it and how management have handled things. Your experiences really resonate with me and I am relieved to hear that it's not just me. I do not work and have been deemed as having 'limited capacity' for work due to Anxiety. This crushed me and gave me a breather. It crushed me because, like you, I am educated to degree level in a few areas. It gave me a breather because of the work/get ill cycle. I was with Fairstart Scotland who had very understanding work coaches and counselling services yet they were unable to help me find employment suitable for my needs as a single parent to a child with Autism (and now possibly being Autistic myself). The more I read about peoples struggles in these community pages, the more I feel I am not alone. From reading what you have written, my advice to you is to make steps to work from home where you have the surroundings you need. Whether this is a new position that you apply for or if your current employer can make adjustments to help with happen. It sounds to me that it is the environment (people and office space) that cause you stress. These are the things that majorly increase my anxiety which's why I understand. Thank you for your post. Best of luck with everything.
Wow - reading your reply was like reading my own thoughts. I too am educated to degree level but I just can't keep a job and I can't cope with too much responsibility - I just get so anxious and then shutdown. I currently work as a teaching assistant - I couldn't complete my PGCE to be a teacher due to another shutdown years ago so I chose to be a teaching assistant as I enjoy and am good with children, however I'm so anxious I'm currently off ill and I can't see how I'll ever return. I too have considered working from home and I think that is the way I'll have to go in the future because I just can't see how I can work when I can't leave the house without husband or sons.
I'm glad it was helpful for you:
Here's a wee list to help you try small exposures:
1. Identify small things that prevent you going out and pick one to work on. ( Example, loud noises and bright lights)
2. Wear headphones and shades to help with the first experience of going outside.
3. Break the exposure into manageable chunks and practice each part until the anxiety is manageable. (If your general anxiety is bad on that day, do less exposure)
4. One chunk might be walking across the street and coming back with one person or alone. Another step might be walking to a pre agreed destination that you know with a person or meeting that person there but going alone then walking back together. Another way could be to get the group of people to take you to a place on a regular day at the same time, reduce the number of people going until it's you alone. Practice breathing through the anxiety and concentrating on the music you are hearing on your headphones. A park is good so you can swing to stim and calm down. When you are feeling less anxious head back home. The next step would be to stay in the park/place a little longer each time.
I think you get the general picture?
I hope this helps. :-)
Thank you so much for your reply. It really means a lot to me. I've never had exposure therapy just lots of CBT and a psychologist when I was a child who just told me to stop being so selfish. I'm going to try with a little walk on my own initially (once Christmas is out of the way) because the last one I tried was back in October and I had to get my son to rescue me as I was so anxious. I'm then hoping to build on from that.
Thanks again for your time and your reply.
It's so wonderful to read that it's not just me. I think the pandemic has created many 'working from home' situations where people with our issues can cope. I love working with kids too and was a childcare worker before I had my daughter but the noise is way too much for me. I am realising more and more what my triggers are so have more of a game plan and more tools in my coping kit which's good. It seem many people on here have high levels of anxiety which's no wonder given our life experiences. The good thing is realising that it's a possible Autistic thing and not a 'broken' thing. :-) I guess my advice to you would be to tackle the smallest things that increase your anxiety and face them until the become bearable with lots of rests afterwords. Building on this you will hopefully be able to do more things independently for short periods of time with a view to longer periods depending on your emotions that day. I'm sure psychologists will have done exposure therapy with you though? :-)