Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone! This is all new to me! I have recently self identified as autistic at 56. I have been referred to and accepted by the autism assessment team but there is a 3 1/2 year waiting list. Since the penny dropped, I have become increasingly scared, bewildered, angry, depressed, feeling defective, and that my entire life has been a lie. I am I assume, high functioning, I have a masters degree, I have had good jobs, I have brought up a child alone whilst doing all of the above. At the moment I feel like I have opened pandoras box and really want to put the lid back on as I really don't like what's in it! I also feel like a bit of a fake in that I've got this far without any problems but realising that actually, I've always had problems. I guess I just want someone to say this is all normal? Thank you for reading!
The swirling mass of internal emotions that you experience is not 'normal' behaviour in the eyes of the public - and you shouldnt try to pretend it is 'normal'. It is normal for you alone. My experience is that you have to accept you are on your own and you will have to do your best to cope by yourself with the anxieties as they arise. It's not something you can intellectualise or explain in some comforting abstract way. Each day you have to encounter that mass of the public as individuals. The vast majority of people are kind and tolerant - but you only exceptionally go beyond a superficial level of engagement. Bluntly, they have minimal or no sympathy for you and the details of your life. Their interest is at a casual polite level. If you learn that personally you mainly relate with others on that passing basis, it is a big step forward (it was for me). We just need to enable basic communication and interaction - although that action which is so straightforward to most is really one of the biggest difficulties to face each day when your inner self is a churning turmoil. I woul like to say 'enjoy the drama' because the intensity can be extremely satisfying but when there is no centre in your life and if you have no support network there is the opposite of enjoyment and you will end up experiencing major or minor catastrophes, the frequency of which will be uncertain. Also, beware of relying on The Assessment as some kind of solution. It is just another step on the road with very limited - if any - practical impact. I'm afraid we have to just get on from day t day with the ;erratic neuro-divergency' of it all
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