Housemate with Suspected Autism

Just saw this today! www.instagram.com/.../

I want to add cleanliness is a matter of heath and safety. We wash our clothes and bathe to get rid of unwanted pests: bed bugs, fleas, ticks, etc. So this technically IS your concern and it is good for everyone to be responsible with one another in a shared house. 

As mentioned, she may have suffered acute trauma growing up, her parents may not be very clean. She might be used to no one caring about her well-being. 

I honestly don't know if she is autistic - it sounds like she has the social issues of someone autistic but sometimes these things are hard to understand until one gets past the trauma. As you're studying psychology, I might bother my professors about issues with trauma, how to study it and how to understand it. Technically, both of you could learn from encountering one another. It can only open up more possibilities for you in the future to have collected as much knowledge in Uni as possible. 

For someone autistic, it is never unethical to be direct about something we're missing. It's actually appreciated and can make us feel included, but only if you go about it in a kind manner. How you conveying direct information is the most important. "It might not be my place, but, I am a little concerned about your health. And I'm wondering if I can I help" This gives her room to ask what you mean and then you can very awkwardly talk about smells and laundry. What I would be very careful of is adding that everyone else notices. Maybe just a few of you, but it's easily solved. Focus on the solution. 

Humans with difficult smells might actually need medical attention. But to add, how does disease spread? Do a little light digging into the cleanliness of society during the plague. But as mentioned maybe she doesn't have money for detergent. 

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Here's a very random thought as well. Being hyper-sensitive myself, I have to be careful about what I wear. Natural fibres and 100% wool interact with the body's chemistry entirely different than polyesters/nylons which are essentially plastic. My ex would smell horrendous after wearing 'wicking' material made from polys - the body cannot breath and these micro particles aren't actually good for human biology. Not to mention wool is self-cleaning. Maybe this is a topic the both of you could learn about together. Again - it's something extra. But ideally you want to help her be more aware and that could start with just being curious about elements she interacts with.

The issues with hygene could stem from anxiety around using the shower, as it could lend her to feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable, so she may have a habit of using it infrequently, even before living with roommates. 

Her type of socialization will not typically be everyone's cup of tea, but it's how she manages to socialize and talk to others. She might do better in one on one settings, where she can have long discussions, and jump around from topic to topic, with others who have similar interests.

Going out is fun at first, but she will quickly get drained and lose energy, and she (like any tired person who is low on battery) will become slightly agitated until they get some rest to recuperate, then they are okay again. She likely needs a lot of personal time to herself so that she can recuperate. 

She may have her own set routines, and anything you need her to do as a chore is something that she might find intrustive to her own routine and become stubborn about it. I'd suggest to do the chore with her, even if it's a difficult process. And I'd say that she might need to form a habit of doing that chore, and she might need her own food bin that's separate from everyone elses, so that she has full responsibility over that food bin and the waste that she produces, and the job of cleaning it. But if she does not want to use a separate food bin, then she has to clean the currently owned food bin like everyone else is doing.

One option, depending on the type of rental agreement you signed, is to move somewhere else and leave her behind.

She came to live with us as someone to fill a spare room. We are a mixed house of boys and girls but none of us knew her before. 

Of course there are positive things about her, she’s a really nice girl which is why we’re so worried about hurting her feelings. We’re worried that a group meeting would feel like we’re ganging up on her/bullying her which we absolutely want to avoid.

Thank you so much for this reply. You’ve said so many helpful things and we’ll try and put some of these things into practise and spend more one-on-one time with her to gain trust. If you are as convinced as we are that she has autism, how would you address this with her as she appears to be unaware, is it immoral to not let her know or is it not our place to say?

Thanks for your reply. This is really helpful, we’re gonna look at changing the rota as soon as possible to just be one consistent job each week.

It could be worse, she could be walking around indoors, stark naked in common areas such as kitchen and living room.

How did housemate X come into your house?

It sounds that the four of you all know each other, so how did she arrive? Did one of you invite her to join? Or is she just someone who came because there was a spare room?

As a student I lived in various places.  Some were all strangers in a house because the landlord advertised separate rooms.   Once I lived with three girls.  The house had four bedrooms, the three girls were friends on the same course, I rented the fourth room.  So how did this girl come to live in this house?

Hello, Anonymous Poster. Welcome to the forum. What concerns me most about your post is that you haven't mentioned anything positive about her. You've described the housemate from hell.  Have you considered inviting her to a formal house meeting where you all get to present your concerns to her? 

Also - make sure at the end of this there is only One Issue. While you can make a note about chewing with ones mouth open, Cleanliness really needs to be a focus point. As someone with a constantly blocked nose might have trouble smelling along with eating. This could be a dietary issue or just how their structure is.

In order for someone to get from where you describe, we'll call it 'Sleepwalking', to 'Aware' an incredible amount of work is needed. If money was not an issue, I could head to a mindfulness retreat for a month, learn healthy practices of becoming, learn to engage my senses (maybe with art classes or a forestry class). I could then head off to trauma support for a few months and deconstruct. But it could take her 10 years to get from this point to a state of being present. Just a note for your own sanity: We're just not able to change overnight :) But if we're on a path and making an effort, OPEN to growth and to learning (say she tries on one of your suggestions), then there's hope. And if so, she will always remember your generosity of investing a little time and belief in her and also your kindness.

Also, it's probably a good idea not to expect her to assimilate into your group. Accept her differences and let her operate on the periphery if that is her wish. 

She seems incredibly withdrawn. Out of touch with the world and her self. This is a shame... there are so many factors that can cause a person to be this way. A healthy autistic individual might be incredibly diligent and take more showers than needed. 

She also sounds as though she may have been raised in less than desirable circumstances. If you're the one taking on the role of engaging with her, I'd offer to take her out to coffee one-on-one or wonder if you cannot plan a moment to get to know her a little more and make tea. Would she like to connect? I would strongly suggest not involving anyone else - create a moment of trust. I'd start asking about her history. Can I pry? Would you mind? Let her talk about her upbringing. What sort of money did they have. Ask questions like a councillor would but be mindful that her information is not yours to share. Just genuinely get to know her. Be concerned about her well-being even though she's not your responsibility, kindness counts for much. 

The Primary concern should always be Health and Safety. Emotional, Psychological and Biological. And if she is autistic she may respect your being a bit more direct than normal. 

The Secondary concern is social. So I wouldn't bother with this unless she asks. You can respond by asking more questions (but only if she brings it up) Am I hard to read? Do you think I'm strange? Try and see the world from her point of view. And find out if she's interested in yours. I've had many friends over the years who just helped me understand communication by making suggestions of how I could say a thing better so it's well received. Or present and idea so I don't sound like I'm not interested in theirs. Ask her if you could nudge or help. Maybe show her writers or journalists who converse in a manner you appreciate. Children who are abandoned will be disconnected from the world and not even know how to be more connected. 

But essentially you want to work out if she needs help buying laundry powder. You want to work out if there's a possibility she was abused or suffered trauma. And work out if you can give her a nudge to do her part. She may not know that taking part in house hold responsibilities is a form of connexion and builds trust.  

As for eating with ones mouth open, does she have problems breathing? This could be as simple as saying you're genuinely concerned - does she have a problem breathing? Continue to ask "How can I help" or suggest "I'll help if I can". Your goal is to not become responsible for her but to help her understand practical rules of being one part of a team. 

I'd always remember to afford dignity again and again. If you give her advice in front of others, do it in secret. Never make her feel humiliated in front of others and you may find success with all the advice you're able to offer. 

You could ask her whether she wants to be included socially. She may not want to socialise, in which case you can just let her have her space.

As for cleaning, maybe ask her what cleaning she feels able to do and allow her to do that task consistently. She may find it hard to rotate and follow new instructions, especially if they aren't written down.

Hahaha

At least she's not a violent psychopath.