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Housemate with Suspected Autism

NAS75603

Hi everyone,

I've come here seeking advice from anyone who can help. I'm currently in my third year at university studying Psychology and I'm also taking autism courses with the NAS to become a volunteer for young people with autism. I live with 4 other people and this year we have introduced a new housemate (Housemate X) meaning there are 5 of us in total (4 of us know each other already and Housemate X was a stranger before moving in). Since living with Housemate X, I have come to suspect very strongly that she has autism however I believe this is undiagnosed. The issues arising from her undiagnosed autism are affecting me and my other housemates and are causing a rift between us and Housemate X. While we all suspect she is autistic, we do not know how to tackle the issues at hand in the correct way because as I've mentioned above, she does not seem to be aware of any diagnosis. 

Our reasons for suspecting autism are:

  • In conversations, she doesn't engage in small talk (e.g. if I ask how her day has been, she won't return the question)
  • She seems to have set conversation topics (e.g. only talking about public transport problems)
  • She is unable to engage in conversation about other people (e.g. all conversations resort back to her and often irrelevant links)
  • She appears hyposensitive (e.g. going over a week without cleaning herself, wearing the same clothing item several times despite it smelling, not noticing foul smells from her kitchen cupboard, eating loudly with her mouth open, making random sounds, listening to videos extremely loudly, speaking loudly, not engaging in conversations unless name is said, frequently dropping things and difficulty knowing where her body is)
  • Doesn't give eye contact at appropriate times
  • Strong, nearly obsessive like for Strictly Come Dancing and some of the professional dancers on the show, I would describe Housemate X as a super fan.
  • Her facial expressions don't seem to match her mood (e.g. we went out as a group and she later told us it was fun but her face did not show this at the time, she seemed angry and potentially upset)

Obviously, some of these signs are making it more difficult for us to engage with her and are leading to some bigger issues:

  • Her uncleanliness is leading to foul smells that she does not appear to notice
  • She doesn't engage in conversation so it's hard to create a relationship because conversations are always one-sided
  • She makes completely irrelevant remarks which often end conversations
  • She doesn't appear interested in getting to know us which makes forming a relationship hard
  • She has problems with listening to us/our instructions (e.g. we have a cleaning rota and if not reminded she will not perform her chore, this week I did remind her and she still didn't carry out the chore; we had a maggot problem in our food bin after she had lived alone for a few weeks and we told her specifically how to clean it to eliminate the maggots but she ignored these instructions and the maggots returned instantly) 
  • She eats with her mouth open and very loudly which is uncomfortable for the rest of us when we're in the same room

I'm really looking for advice on how to tackle the problems developing, considering the fact we believe it is undiagnosed which adds many further complications. Thanks for any help in advance, all advice is welcome. We don't want to push her out, we just want to help and find a way to include her where possible.

Parents

  • She seems incredibly withdrawn. Out of touch with the world and her self. This is a shame... there are so many factors that can cause a person to be this way. A healthy autistic individual might be incredibly diligent and take more showers than needed. 

    She also sounds as though she may have been raised in less than desirable circumstances. If you're the one taking on the role of engaging with her, I'd offer to take her out to coffee one-on-one or wonder if you cannot plan a moment to get to know her a little more and make tea. Would she like to connect? I would strongly suggest not involving anyone else - create a moment of trust. I'd start asking about her history. Can I pry? Would you mind? Let her talk about her upbringing. What sort of money did they have. Ask questions like a councillor would but be mindful that her information is not yours to share. Just genuinely get to know her. Be concerned about her well-being even though she's not your responsibility, kindness counts for much. 

    The Primary concern should always be Health and Safety. Emotional, Psychological and Biological. And if she is autistic she may respect your being a bit more direct than normal. 

    The Secondary concern is social. So I wouldn't bother with this unless she asks. You can respond by asking more questions (but only if she brings it up) Am I hard to read? Do you think I'm strange? Try and see the world from her point of view. And find out if she's interested in yours. I've had many friends over the years who just helped me understand communication by making suggestions of how I could say a thing better so it's well received. Or present and idea so I don't sound like I'm not interested in theirs. Ask her if you could nudge or help. Maybe show her writers or journalists who converse in a manner you appreciate. Children who are abandoned will be disconnected from the world and not even know how to be more connected. 

    But essentially you want to work out if she needs help buying laundry powder. You want to work out if there's a possibility she was abused or suffered trauma. And work out if you can give her a nudge to do her part. She may not know that taking part in house hold responsibilities is a form of connexion and builds trust.  

    As for eating with ones mouth open, does she have problems breathing? This could be as simple as saying you're genuinely concerned - does she have a problem breathing? Continue to ask "How can I help" or suggest "I'll help if I can". Your goal is to not become responsible for her but to help her understand practical rules of being one part of a team. 

    I'd always remember to afford dignity again and again. If you give her advice in front of others, do it in secret. Never make her feel humiliated in front of others and you may find success with all the advice you're able to offer. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you so much for this reply. You’ve said so many helpful things and we’ll try and put some of these things into practise and spend more one-on-one time with her to gain trust. If you are as convinced as we are that she has autism, how would you address this with her as she appears to be unaware, is it immoral to not let her know or is it not our place to say?

  • in reply to NAS75603

    I honestly don't know if she is autistic - it sounds like she has the social issues of someone autistic but sometimes these things are hard to understand until one gets past the trauma. As you're studying psychology, I might bother my professors about issues with trauma, how to study it and how to understand it. Technically, both of you could learn from encountering one another. It can only open up more possibilities for you in the future to have collected as much knowledge in Uni as possible. 

    For someone autistic, it is never unethical to be direct about something we're missing. It's actually appreciated and can make us feel included, but only if you go about it in a kind manner. How you conveying direct information is the most important. "It might not be my place, but, I am a little concerned about your health. And I'm wondering if I can I help" This gives her room to ask what you mean and then you can very awkwardly talk about smells and laundry. What I would be very careful of is adding that everyone else notices. Maybe just a few of you, but it's easily solved. Focus on the solution. 

    Humans with difficult smells might actually need medical attention. But to add, how does disease spread? Do a little light digging into the cleanliness of society during the plague. But as mentioned maybe she doesn't have money for detergent. 

    ____

    Here's a very random thought as well. Being hyper-sensitive myself, I have to be careful about what I wear. Natural fibres and 100% wool interact with the body's chemistry entirely different than polyesters/nylons which are essentially plastic. My ex would smell horrendous after wearing 'wicking' material made from polys - the body cannot breath and these micro particles aren't actually good for human biology. Not to mention wool is self-cleaning. Maybe this is a topic the both of you could learn about together. Again - it's something extra. But ideally you want to help her be more aware and that could start with just being curious about elements she interacts with.

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