aspbergers, should i disclose

Well if she's like that, and faults you for having a condition that's no fault of your own, then I can understand how her reaction cause a lot of tension in the relationship. 

If you want to keep your diagnosis private from her then do so. You are not obliged to tell anyone about your diagnosis if you don't want to, especially if you know that person will just use that information to try to hurt you, blame you, shun you, or put you down through it. I don't care what kind of family title or what kind of relation they have to you, that's just toxic. You don't have to tell her if you don't want to. 

Sounds reasonable.

It's just thing have got a bit polarised with us, and I don't want her telling the kids it's all dad's fault because he has autism.

It's Bab to know how she'll react. But once it's out of the bag ,I can't put it back in.

Thanks for advice hippo

Well maybe your diagnosis will give her some kind of reason or answer to the questions she might have been having about the relationship.

And you could always just say what's on your mind, and just tell her the diagnosis, but also say that you don't want to blame everything on it, but you just wanted her to know about it, and that would be a reasonable response. 

Best wishes. I hope you can make positive changes.

Yes I think I'm slowly coming to that way of thinking.

I was only diagnosed a week ago, and it's taking a bit of time to properly sink in with me. 

I'm only just starting to realize what massive factor this has been in my life.

Unfortunately the diagnosis has coincided with our break up. We haven't told kids were splitting yet, and I don't want to tell them about my diagnosis at the same time. It seems a lot of potential for instability.

I may wait till the dust settles to tell them.

Jazzydave said:

Just don't want my partner hanging everything on this

Do you mean your partner blaming her faults/issues on your autism?

I suppose she could weaponise it if vindictive... but if she doesn't discuss the issues with you rationally and make efforts to accomodate, I suggest you might be better off without her.

Looking back for me, personally, if I felt I couldn't tell my wife about my autism I would definitely have left her... now that I realise I've been masking my whole life I could *not* just suck it up and go back to it.

Thanks very much for replies. Can't tell you how much it helps to speak to someone else who has been through similar.

I think I'm getting the message that I need to open up about it. Just don't want my partner hanging everything on this, o r treating me with pity

Jazzydave said:

How did you find other people treated you after your diagnosis?

My wife & I were in crises at the time due to her signifcant health issues and other crises in her family. I was breaking down all over the shop to due the stress and uncertainty.

So after years of pain, my self-diagnosis finally gave us some understanding on why I wasn't coping.

So we had a family meeting (me, wife, her sister & brother-in-law) and discussed it in depth. Everyone was very understanding... we discussed many incidents from the last decade where autism explained exactly why I reacted/behaved the way I did... and importantly what we could do to make things easier for me.

Some fine tuning was required afterwards as it seemed they were over-compensating in a way. I encouraged them to ask how X affects me rather than guess, and also to gently challenge me when my behaviour is causing them issues.

Otherwise I have only told my best friend (who I think is also on some kind of spectrum) and my brother & his family. All very supportive (but they all live so far away it makes no practical difference).

I fully intended to tell my extended social circle individually if/when I next engage with them... but I am currently in perma-defense mode and have no contact with anyone.

This recent thread might interest you...

community.autism.org.uk/.../asd-diagnosis-reactions-from-those-around-you

EDIT: When discussing this with the family, I went into great detail (with examples) of what goes on in my head behind my mask when dealing with stuff. I think this helped them understand me a bit better.

You don't need to tell your friends, you are the same person you were before diagnosis.

Tellino your family is a different question, specially if the family is in difficulty.

On the one hand, there are good reasons to discuss your ASD with family.

1.Your children may inherit the same traits. If they do, knowing you are ASD will help them understand what is happening if the encounter similar issues in their lives. 

2.Even if they don't have ASD it may help them to understand you.

3.Your wife may/will already have guessed you are on the spectrum, if she knows anything about autism in adults. It may be a relief to discuss it?

On the other hand,  getting this diagnosis is a big deal, and you may not feel ready to discuss it with them yet but will when rhe time is right. 

Your children should understand, maybe better than.our generarion, that having ASD is not something to be ashamed of. 

Thanks moon, sounds a similar situation.

It just seems scarlet letting the genie out of the bottle. I don't want her to blame everything on my Asperger's. 

How did you find other people treated you after your diagnosis? Friends ect. Did they say they suspected it all along?

We're there any negative reactions?

I'm wary of telling the kids as they are still school age and might start examining their identities of they know dad has issues. If that makes sense

I discovered my autism a few years back as a ~50 years old man. I'm married to a non-autistic woman who was diagnosed bipolar decades ago. No kids.

I am more than happy to blame my share of the marital issues on the fact that we didn't know I was autistic. NB: Not blaming our issues on autism... just that we didn't know.

My wife expected me to do things that most NTs find easy... but I found them very difficult, causing anxiety, fight or usually flight meltdowns, depression, shutdowns etc.

I have been such a proficient masker that she thought I was just lazy/stupid/beligerant/uncaring... she had no idea what is going on in my head every bloody second when I have to interact with other people (even her).

Now we understand much better what I am good at, and what I'm not... so we can adjust our lives & expectations accordingly.

Recentish example: Now I am confident to tell her "No -  I don't want to go to see the fireworks" (that she loves) and I explain why (noise, packed crowds, nowhere to park, etc.). So we can work out an alternative - she goes with her sister, or we book a balcony table at a restaurant with a view of the fireworks so I have a safe space out of the crowds (and a few beers to calm me).

In the past I would have been badgered into it, hated it and we would be at loggerheads.

So my recommendation to you is tell her post-haste! If you can both rebalance your life around the things that conflict with your autism, the relationship might prosper once again.

RE: Telling your kids... why would you not? Autism is a fundamental part of you and nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks Hippo. 

She probably does know what it is. She works with special needs children.

Just don't want everything blamed on it

Does your partner have a general understanding of what aspergers is? I mean, if she doesn't, the discussion will be like "I have something to tell you ... I have been diagnosed with ... aspergers." And she might think it's a life threatening illness, and at that point, who knows how she will react. 

Maybe say to her that you've talked to the doctor/therapist about how you communicate in the relationship, with the goal of improving your social communication with others, and based on what they've heard, they've diagnosed you with aspergers. And then you can explain what it is, and whether or not you'd like the kids to know about it yet or not.