aspbergers, should i disclose

I discovered my autism a few years back as a ~50 years old man. I'm married to a non-autistic woman who was diagnosed bipolar decades ago. No kids.

I am more than happy to blame my share of the marital issues on the fact that we didn't know I was autistic. NB: Not blaming our issues on autism... just that we didn't know.

My wife expected me to do things that most NTs find easy... but I found them very difficult, causing anxiety, fight or usually flight meltdowns, depression, shutdowns etc.

I have been such a proficient masker that she thought I was just lazy/stupid/beligerant/uncaring... she had no idea what is going on in my head every bloody second when I have to interact with other people (even her).

Now we understand much better what I am good at, and what I'm not... so we can adjust our lives & expectations accordingly.

Recentish example: Now I am confident to tell her "No -  I don't want to go to see the fireworks" (that she loves) and I explain why (noise, packed crowds, nowhere to park, etc.). So we can work out an alternative - she goes with her sister, or we book a balcony table at a restaurant with a view of the fireworks so I have a safe space out of the crowds (and a few beers to calm me).

In the past I would have been badgered into it, hated it and we would be at loggerheads.

So my recommendation to you is tell her post-haste! If you can both rebalance your life around the things that conflict with your autism, the relationship might prosper once again.

RE: Telling your kids... why would you not? Autism is a fundamental part of you and nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks moon, sounds a similar situation.

It just seems scarlet letting the genie out of the bottle. I don't want her to blame everything on my Asperger's. 

How did you find other people treated you after your diagnosis? Friends ect. Did they say they suspected it all along?

We're there any negative reactions?

I'm wary of telling the kids as they are still school age and might start examining their identities of they know dad has issues. If that makes sense

Jazzydave said:

How did you find other people treated you after your diagnosis?

My wife & I were in crises at the time due to her signifcant health issues and other crises in her family. I was breaking down all over the shop to due the stress and uncertainty.

So after years of pain, my self-diagnosis finally gave us some understanding on why I wasn't coping.

So we had a family meeting (me, wife, her sister & brother-in-law) and discussed it in depth. Everyone was very understanding... we discussed many incidents from the last decade where autism explained exactly why I reacted/behaved the way I did... and importantly what we could do to make things easier for me.

Some fine tuning was required afterwards as it seemed they were over-compensating in a way. I encouraged them to ask how X affects me rather than guess, and also to gently challenge me when my behaviour is causing them issues.

Otherwise I have only told my best friend (who I think is also on some kind of spectrum) and my brother & his family. All very supportive (but they all live so far away it makes no practical difference).

I fully intended to tell my extended social circle individually if/when I next engage with them... but I am currently in perma-defense mode and have no contact with anyone.

This recent thread might interest you...

community.autism.org.uk/.../asd-diagnosis-reactions-from-those-around-you

EDIT: When discussing this with the family, I went into great detail (with examples) of what goes on in my head behind my mask when dealing with stuff. I think this helped them understand me a bit better.