The only thing I want - a girlfriend - seems out of reach

I don't really enjoy friendships or talking to people much in general. I feel anxious around many people. 

I'm not that interested in many things anymore. One of the last things I spent a lot of time doing playing video games, I've lost interest in.

I think I'm deeply depressed at being 34 and still facing rejection. I can't work because I'm severely mentally ill so it seems really hard to meet anyone.

I had my own flat twice and couldn't cope with the neighbours so am living again with my parents. My dad doesn't like me and dominates the house so I am not eating that healthily as I'm wary of using the kitchen because he's in and out of it so much.

I drink alcohol heavily more or less every day. I've only just got to this point. It was 4-5 days a week but a support worker I had became a pain and was making me feel worse so I let him go and am looking for another but no sign yet of finding someone suitable. 

I wish I had more money so I had more to offer a woman. I'm not sure women are interested in me at all. I'm shorter than the average man and am ethnically Jewish and I would say on average white men are more attractive. Even Hollywood and TV reinforces that - notice how almost all the best paid actors who play the romantic leads are tall and white. 

I found it easier to try socialising and joining things in the past because I had a deluded idea of who I was and was naive. I realise now that whatever I say or do people will always pick up something "off" about me and I'll make them feel uncomfortable and awkward and I'll be likely to be the one who has to leave the room/place because they've got more social status.

  • Please remember that there is lots more to a relationship than just physical intimacy. Not everyone wants to be held all the time, some women will want to talk to you without you touching her constantly. Not saying you will do that, but remember we aren't objects of comfort.

  • Even Hollywood and TV reinforces that - notice how almost all the best paid actors who play the romantic leads are tall and white. 

    These males (and they're Latino, Black American, Mixed, etc.) in these roles wake up every morning, go to the gym, listen to health-based podcasts, learn to self-care. They show up on set at 9 am (after religiously waking up at 6), have a power smoothie and sit in a trailer getting their make-up sorted and a spray on self-tan (ghostly white looks blueish sickly on camera). They look through their lines while at make-up / wardrobe and work with the director to make adjustments. They'll meet with their financial advisors later and look over contracts before getting a script at 9pm to page through before bed. They don't play. They've made the ridiculous effort of remembering everyones names on set down to the grip no one knows and spend the day entertaining and making sure everyone around them is happy. They "carry" the weight of the whole cast. It's a requirement of becoming the 'star'. The tactics required to dominate and just maintain a sort of position of power that is fragile and can change any second- include being others-focused, working non-stop, working out daily, and if you're not exhausted just reading this, you should be. For the thousands of men who show up in Los Angles and try to make it, until they're hired and on set, they're going to 2-3 auditions, sending flowers to agents, investing in everyone around them, working several jobs and hitting the gym daily. This is not a fantasy for them. 

    It's easy to make comparisons to someone else's life without really examining what they had to go through - you can't have the 'good' parts without the excruciatingly 'hard' parts. Anything worth having is worth working for.

    We all have it in us, but it can be a fight to find that. And it can be difficult to find what I have to offer another. The best relationships are where 2 individuals Care for one another. I had to learn to care for myself before I knew how to invest in caring for another. And while money helps, but it's not everything. In fact, ask any divorced or twice divorced Hollywood Star how well money worked for their love life. The grass isn't greener. My grandparents made just enough to give. My grandfather worked in the Steel Mills his whole life. But they were married 68 years and didn't stop once caring for each other. No Hollywood needed.

  • You're approaching this from entirely the wrong angle. It's unlikely that you can attract anyone to you with such a low opinion of yourself, Roswell. And even if you did, because you have such low self-esteem, would you even believe them if they told you they liked you?

    If you don't like yourself (not even a little bit), then how do you expect anyone else to like you? Before you can meet a girlfriend, you have to be able to meet yourself...as a friend. And intimacy with someone doesn't just happen at the snap of the fingers, it has to be earned over time through friendship, trust, and respect.  Women don't all walk around dreaming of being someone's personal mood regulator or comfort blanket. They are human beings just like you. 

  • I used to think lots of the things you mention. You don't need money, amazing looks or an amazing personality to find the right woman. The most important thing is luck. I enevr got women and what they saw in men. We all watch too many films with perfect people, and SM does not help that. 

    You have lots of stuff going on in your life. It may be easy for me to say this but work on the other stuff that you can work on. If you can cope better with your life then that will help you with women. 

    One of the things is don't be afraid of women. I dated the odd complete ***, but most are loving and caring people. Don't get hung up on what they look like, don't expect them to be perfect, there is more to good looks

    Until I was 31 (and undiagnosed autistic) I was a virgin, I just didn't get it. Then I met somebody who I was with 3 years. Then after a couple of short relationships I met the woman who I have been married to for 15 years. She is not perfect, we have our problems, but we are still going. We met online, but I think that is a whole diffrent world than it was in 2005!

    Rob

  • It’s certainly true that generally there is more scope for physical affection with a girlfriend than your friends but there is still scope for physical affection with friends. Hugging, sitting next to are more than likely to be ok.

    also I think you’ll find girlfriends want to talk A LOT. About life, their day, your day, where this relationship is going etc.

  • Because while talking with friends gets boring for me, with a girlfriend I could hold her hand, kiss her or just sit next to her. 

  • Forgive me for pressing the point but why do you think emotional intermacy, or even a conversation, with a girlfriend would be different than with friends? 

  • It'd be good to have the money to access a more interesting lifestyle because I think that'd attract women more. I mean stuff like being able to afford a stylish car to drive her around in.

  • I want a girlfriend for intimacy of the emotional kind as well as other things. 

  • I don't really enjoy friendships or talking to people much in general. I feel anxious around many people.
    I wish I had more money so I had more to offer a woman. I'm not sure women are interested in me at all.

    So you want a woman but you don’t want to be friends with her or talk to her? So honestly what you want is not a girl friend but a sex friend or f-buddy?

    if so that’s fine. But be honest with yourself and with them. It’s much easier to get what you want from people if you’re clear about what it is you want from them. Unless maybe you were thinking of taking some girls for a one night stand when they think it’s more and then not calling them when you said you would?

  • ahh women, they are hard even for NT males to understand, we are both buggered on this one i believe.
    also if you try win a woman over with money you will only get the trash women and you deserve better than that, its better having nothing than having a parasite gold digger.