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The only thing I want - a girlfriend - seems out of reach

Roswell

I don't really enjoy friendships or talking to people much in general. I feel anxious around many people. 

I'm not that interested in many things anymore. One of the last things I spent a lot of time doing playing video games, I've lost interest in.

I think I'm deeply depressed at being 34 and still facing rejection. I can't work because I'm severely mentally ill so it seems really hard to meet anyone.

I had my own flat twice and couldn't cope with the neighbours so am living again with my parents. My dad doesn't like me and dominates the house so I am not eating that healthily as I'm wary of using the kitchen because he's in and out of it so much.

I drink alcohol heavily more or less every day. I've only just got to this point. It was 4-5 days a week but a support worker I had became a pain and was making me feel worse so I let him go and am looking for another but no sign yet of finding someone suitable. 

I wish I had more money so I had more to offer a woman. I'm not sure women are interested in me at all. I'm shorter than the average man and am ethnically Jewish and I would say on average white men are more attractive. Even Hollywood and TV reinforces that - notice how almost all the best paid actors who play the romantic leads are tall and white. 

I found it easier to try socialising and joining things in the past because I had a deluded idea of who I was and was naive. I realise now that whatever I say or do people will always pick up something "off" about me and I'll make them feel uncomfortable and awkward and I'll be likely to be the one who has to leave the room/place because they've got more social status.

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  • Roswell said:
    Even Hollywood and TV reinforces that - notice how almost all the best paid actors who play the romantic leads are tall and white. 

    These males (and they're Latino, Black American, Mixed, etc.) in these roles wake up every morning, go to the gym, listen to health-based podcasts, learn to self-care. They show up on set at 9 am (after religiously waking up at 6), have a power smoothie and sit in a trailer getting their make-up sorted and a spray on self-tan (ghostly white looks blueish sickly on camera). They look through their lines while at make-up / wardrobe and work with the director to make adjustments. They'll meet with their financial advisors later and look over contracts before getting a script at 9pm to page through before bed. They don't play. They've made the ridiculous effort of remembering everyones names on set down to the grip no one knows and spend the day entertaining and making sure everyone around them is happy. They "carry" the weight of the whole cast. It's a requirement of becoming the 'star'. The tactics required to dominate and just maintain a sort of position of power that is fragile and can change any second- include being others-focused, working non-stop, working out daily, and if you're not exhausted just reading this, you should be. For the thousands of men who show up in Los Angles and try to make it, until they're hired and on set, they're going to 2-3 auditions, sending flowers to agents, investing in everyone around them, working several jobs and hitting the gym daily. This is not a fantasy for them. 

    It's easy to make comparisons to someone else's life without really examining what they had to go through - you can't have the 'good' parts without the excruciatingly 'hard' parts. Anything worth having is worth working for.

    We all have it in us, but it can be a fight to find that. And it can be difficult to find what I have to offer another. The best relationships are where 2 individuals Care for one another. I had to learn to care for myself before I knew how to invest in caring for another. And while money helps, but it's not everything. In fact, ask any divorced or twice divorced Hollywood Star how well money worked for their love life. The grass isn't greener. My grandparents made just enough to give. My grandfather worked in the Steel Mills his whole life. But they were married 68 years and didn't stop once caring for each other. No Hollywood needed.

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  • Roswell said:
    Even Hollywood and TV reinforces that - notice how almost all the best paid actors who play the romantic leads are tall and white. 

    These males (and they're Latino, Black American, Mixed, etc.) in these roles wake up every morning, go to the gym, listen to health-based podcasts, learn to self-care. They show up on set at 9 am (after religiously waking up at 6), have a power smoothie and sit in a trailer getting their make-up sorted and a spray on self-tan (ghostly white looks blueish sickly on camera). They look through their lines while at make-up / wardrobe and work with the director to make adjustments. They'll meet with their financial advisors later and look over contracts before getting a script at 9pm to page through before bed. They don't play. They've made the ridiculous effort of remembering everyones names on set down to the grip no one knows and spend the day entertaining and making sure everyone around them is happy. They "carry" the weight of the whole cast. It's a requirement of becoming the 'star'. The tactics required to dominate and just maintain a sort of position of power that is fragile and can change any second- include being others-focused, working non-stop, working out daily, and if you're not exhausted just reading this, you should be. For the thousands of men who show up in Los Angles and try to make it, until they're hired and on set, they're going to 2-3 auditions, sending flowers to agents, investing in everyone around them, working several jobs and hitting the gym daily. This is not a fantasy for them. 

    It's easy to make comparisons to someone else's life without really examining what they had to go through - you can't have the 'good' parts without the excruciatingly 'hard' parts. Anything worth having is worth working for.

    We all have it in us, but it can be a fight to find that. And it can be difficult to find what I have to offer another. The best relationships are where 2 individuals Care for one another. I had to learn to care for myself before I knew how to invest in caring for another. And while money helps, but it's not everything. In fact, ask any divorced or twice divorced Hollywood Star how well money worked for their love life. The grass isn't greener. My grandparents made just enough to give. My grandfather worked in the Steel Mills his whole life. But they were married 68 years and didn't stop once caring for each other. No Hollywood needed.

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