Published on 12, July, 2020
I didn't think I would ever post something like this anywhere but honestly I am lost; I was offered a formal diagnosis when I lived in England, however due to my life falling apart; I fell out of university from it being just too much on my mind to point I was considering drugs and basically anything to get through, the work was easy, extremely so: it was on computers which I am extremely familiar with, having focused them since I was less than 8 years old, I lost the chance because I had to move to Scotland.
I lost track of my life which honestly I didn't have a grip on anyway, I have always sucked at socialising, I had no friends in primary school due to me being rough and hurting other kids, I was quite hyper when younger from what I heard, I had to get a counsellor to help me to learn to talk to people and share and stuff like that.
I spent basically my time alone which I have always preferred as I hate leaving my comfort zones aka my room, which is currently not my room anymore and is my ex's where I live with his mother who looks after me; I am absolutely awful at looking after myself, mostly due to getting too focused on my computer and feeling really uncomfortable with changing, I struggle with showers and baths due to the feeling of water on me, which is odd because I neverminded pools, maybe it's the heat (I hate feeling hot all over me).
I don't really know who I am as a person; growing up I used to copy the the person I was talking to, which oddly made me liked by them, I had real trouble and still do in groups where I struggle to know how to act or what to do and sometimes I either go quiet or just go "random" as people describe it, I don't know, I also had issues with my sense of touch, it being weak, I would seek strong feelings like burning my feet or scratching my arms and it got to point I would seek pain to keep better, which is odd also because I did have times where feeling anything was too much for me, like my fingers and hands felt hollow and wrinkly and horrible and I couldn't stand it, I have issues with light and constant noise does drain me mentally, I also have issues with recognising if I am hungry or thirsty and needing the toilet, especially when focused on programming but these things could all just be me being weird.
I always spoke in logic, I valued it beyond all else, why do * if it doesn't make sense, still to this day it doesn't make sense to me: I still have soo many questions and everyone also shrugs it off with "because that is the way it is" but why? humans are weird, I have also lost lots of friends due to this trait, as people hate when I explain why I think something is wrong or shouldn't be handled with *, its all soo confusing to me why people can't just think about it.
I still love cartoons and a lot of what I did growing up: RuneScape is a fantastic example to a unhealthy degree; there is basically nothing I couldn't tell you about it from the top of my head and is the reason I learnt to program originally; I wanted to work on the game, I still program and love it due to logic being my strong point in life.
My first memory was a smell: smell of a café I was in at so many months old, I admit though: I don't have any happy memories from top of my head, it is all grey and just another day, no matter the occasion, I don't really feel anything and can't think of a time I have felt anything.
well anyway the point of this post is regarding my fear, growing up it was clear from people that I was weird and not to hang around with, even though I did try, I was just crap at it and honestly it wasn't something I wanted to do: but it was expected of me, and I used to cry asking what was wrong with me, I just wanted answers to why I was such a "freak", I was scared and felt helpless and to some level I still do. Well I have been told off several people that I am very very likely autistic and honestly it kind of made sense looking at the topic (even though the topic seems crazily focused on kids annoyingly) but I fear everyday, what if they are wrong, what if I am just stupid or broken, I hardly know who I am and most people around me hardly know who I am, I don't think I am a idiot so broken looks more likely, my daily life is waking up using my computer for however long and then sleeping when I fall sleep, I get really scared and anxious when I leave my computer, I don't know why, maybe an addiction? but I never been addicted to anything else before, even things which people claim are extremely addictive, it just does nothing to me, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or even enjoy eating, I been like this my whole life.
Sorry for the very long post, I imagine it is annoying to read but I honestly don't know where else to turn, I feel soo helpless and lost in my own mind, if it helps I am 25 years old and male.
I don't expect anyone to actually respond to me on this, and mostly I just wanted somewhere to write my feelings down, it would be nice to hear peoples opinions and such but that's a bonus.
tldr: scared I am not actually autistic and just broken.
If it helps, everyone is broken. Everyone is in some process of hiding and finding and stuck and breaking through... Some know they are and if you're lucky, you'll be one of those. I wouldn't trust anyone who isn't aware of their limits. After all, we're human, made of particles trying to get back to earth.
It sounds like you may need to sort out what's trauma vs what's seemingly autistic. And it could be good to hunt down over the next few years: a councillor /mentor /support group to help you become a briliant version of you. The best way to start is to follow all the questions your self - follow the logic. It's OK to ask others, but at the end of the day you may have exactly what you need to hunt down "instructions to get to the next level".
25 is a good age to begin to embrace embarking on a whole new journey of awareness. It seems somewhere between 23 to 28 some of us realise things are not quite right. From what I understand, NeuroTypicals continue to sublimate and suppress. But if you begin to realise there are communication errors (breaking down and crying, inability to express), and addictions, and if you begin to feel unsettled, off-centre it is because you are becoming aware, which is amazing to have this sight. There is a gap between who you believe you could be and where you are at and for some beautiful reason you are now able to sense it. Which means you are capable of growing out of where you're at. You won't be stuck on this 'level' forever.
Many of us have fumbled about through our 20's trying to get to 30 with a little wisdom, a road map, a quest, some rules to operate with and hopefully not too much regret. I'm not sure if you programme as a job, but that addiction in front of you holds a giant library and solutions to many problems. Though, so does human connexion, as difficult as it is (and most of us here have expreienced the frustration of feeling disconnected). None of us can really grow and become our best selves on an island. Erich Fromm talks about the need for community of some sort, no matter how small (Revolution of Hope).
Write down all the riddles, puzzles, confusion. Make notes and go for a walk or pick one thing you can do each day to just move a bit.to stay healthy (if you don't already). And follow your questions. There are many good books, you-tubers and threads on being autistic. If you start to feel a sense of feeling understood by them, then a diagnostic would be an excellent place to start.