Scared

I didn't think I would ever post something like this anywhere but honestly I am lost; I was offered a formal diagnosis when I lived in England, however due to my life falling apart; I fell out of university from it being just too much on my mind to point I was considering drugs and basically anything to get through, the work was easy, extremely so: it was on computers which I am extremely familiar with, having focused them since I was less than 8 years old, I lost the chance because I had to move to Scotland.

I lost track of my life which honestly I didn't have a grip on anyway, I have always sucked at socialising, I had no friends in primary school due to me being rough and hurting other kids, I was quite hyper when younger from what I heard, I had to get a counsellor to help me to learn to talk to people and share and stuff like that.

I spent basically my time alone which I have always preferred as I hate leaving my comfort zones aka my room, which is currently not my room anymore and is my ex's where I live with his mother who looks after me; I am absolutely awful at looking after myself, mostly due to getting too focused on my computer and feeling really uncomfortable with changing, I struggle with showers and baths due to the feeling of water on me, which is odd because I neverminded pools, maybe it's the heat (I hate feeling hot all over me).

I don't really know who I am as a person; growing up I used to copy the the person I was talking to, which oddly made me liked by them, I had real trouble and still do in groups where I struggle to know how to act or what to do and sometimes I either go quiet or just go "random" as people describe it, I don't know, I also had issues with my sense of touch, it being weak, I would seek strong feelings like burning my feet or scratching my arms and it got to point I would seek pain to keep better, which is odd also because I did have times where feeling anything was too much for me, like my fingers and hands felt hollow and wrinkly and horrible and I couldn't stand it, I have issues with light and constant noise does drain me mentally, I also have issues with recognising if I am hungry or thirsty and needing the toilet, especially when focused on programming but these things could all just be me being weird.

I always spoke in logic, I valued it beyond all else, why do * if it doesn't make sense, still to this day it doesn't make sense to me: I still have soo many questions and everyone also shrugs it off with "because that is the way it is" but why? humans are weird, I have also lost lots of friends due to this trait, as people hate when I explain why I think something is wrong or shouldn't be handled with *, its all soo confusing to me why people can't just think about it.

I still love cartoons and a lot of what I did growing up: RuneScape is a fantastic example to a unhealthy degree; there is basically nothing I couldn't tell you about it from the top of my head and is the reason I learnt to program originally; I wanted to work on the game, I still program and love it due to logic being my strong point in life.

My first memory was a smell: smell of a café I was in at so many months old, I admit though: I don't have any happy memories from top of my head, it is all grey and just another day, no matter the occasion, I don't really feel anything and can't think of a time I have felt anything.

well anyway the point of this post is regarding my fear, growing up it was clear from people that I was weird and not to hang around with, even though I did try, I was just crap at it and honestly it wasn't something I wanted to do: but it was expected of me, and I used to cry asking what was wrong with me, I just wanted answers to why I was such a "freak", I was scared and felt helpless and to some level I still do. Well I have been told off several people that I am very very likely autistic and honestly it kind of made sense looking at the topic (even though the topic seems crazily focused on kids annoyingly) but I fear everyday, what if they are wrong, what if I am just stupid or broken, I hardly know who I am and most people around me hardly know who I am, I don't think I am a idiot so broken looks more likely, my daily life is waking up using my computer for however long and then sleeping when I fall sleep, I get really scared and anxious when I leave my computer, I don't know why, maybe an addiction? but I never been addicted to anything else before, even things which people claim are extremely addictive, it just does nothing to me, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or even enjoy eating, I been like this my whole life.

Sorry for the very long post, I imagine it is annoying to read but I honestly don't know where else to turn, I feel soo helpless and lost in my own mind, if it helps I am 25 years old and male.

I don't expect anyone to actually respond to me on this, and mostly I just wanted somewhere to write my feelings down, it would be nice to hear peoples opinions and such but that's a bonus.

tldr: scared I am not actually autistic and just broken.