Wanting things to be Black and White: can you relate to these examples?

Absolutely.  I identify with this 

What really worries me is that you can't ask the person, in case it just ends up awkward or spoiling the friendship.  Do you know what I mean?

Maybe it's better not to ask, but instead just enjoy the friendship/relationship for what it is, but I find the ambiguity makes me anxious.  I end up imagining lots of different scenarios:  e.g. if they do like me and we have a relationship, what if it feels like this or ends up like that; or, if they don't like me but I like them, how will I feel...

Yes 

an x at the end of a message suggests a kiss.  My cousin worryingly uses them.  I get exponentially disturbed at her multiple usages: xx xxx etc  I feel a need to avoid her in case there is a romantic impulse behind it all. 

Hello there,

Thanks for your reply!  That's a really good idea, about turning off read receipts and time last online.  I will have a look and see if I can figure out how to do this.  I use social media much less these days, because I find the online communication difficult.

Yes, I agree with you that it's a good idea to figure out what the other person's communication style is, and then maybe I will take it all less personally.

Thanks for your ideas!

Hi Out_of_step,

That's a great reply; thank you!  Yes, I agree - people have different communication styles, some people reply very soon and others genuinely want to reply but don't always remember to.  Also, your point about not being able to control other people or what they think of you - when I read that, I remembered that it's so important to accept yourself, because you can't always get validation from others.  Perhaps it is a self esteem issue.

Hi Juniper,

Thanks for your reply.  I'm still very much learning about autism.  Can you say a bit more about what autistic black and white thinking is, in your opinion?  Have you experienced it personally?  I'm not sure if I've understood what it is.

Also, when you say you've been attracted to judgemental NTs who need constant secret codes - what sort of secret codes do you mean?  I'm not sure that I understand this kind of thing very well.  Recently when I spoke to an autistic friend who I'd known for a while, and told him I thought I might be autistic as well, he said that he'd noticed that I don't seem to play the social or behavioural games that most people instinctively play.  I wasn't sure what these games are.  Maybe I will ask him.  But I'd be interested to know about the secret codes that you mention.

Great to hear that you've decided to become your wonderfully eccentric, interesting and sometimes strange self! 

Yes, I agree.  It's strange, because when I first read about autism, I thought 'I'm not a black and white thinker' because I can see nuances and shades of grey, but now I think I understand better what it means.  Somebody on this forum recently told me that it looks like I am searching for answers where they don't exist, (e.g. answers to hypothetical questions that don't have a clear answer) because being sure about something would make me less anxious.  I've realised that I do this a lot.  So maybe this is what autistic black and white thinking is.  What do you think autistic black and white thinking is?

Hi Aidie,

Thanks for your message.  That's a great idea, to write about the thoughts in a journal.  I have a journal which I write in regularly.  Often it helps, but sometimes I find I get a bit stuck in my own thoughts if I spend too much time writing in it.  

Thinking of specific challenges to thoughts, and writing them down, sounds a great idea - I will try it.  

Hi Sphynx,

Thanks for these suggestions.  I sometimes try doing these things as well, e.g. thinking of all the possible reasons why someone hasn't replied.  I still find the anxiety difficult, because I've lost so many previous friendships and romantic relationships.  Keeping busy is another thing that helps.  Also trying to get out of the house. I work from home, and I'm in the same room every day which I've noticed can affect anxiety.  If I have the chance to go on a long walk outside, I usually feel much better.

Great replies. I’ve had lots of counselling and obsessively research these things.

As others have said take a measured logical approach. For me turning off read receipts and time last online has helped with Whats App anxiety and just had to accept my boss genuinely reads things then is busy with other things and also that my endless thoughts on how we can improve what we offer are probably annoying and that’s just the way I am and they accept my oddities.

Hope that’s helpful? 

Thanks everyone for the interesting replies - I really appreciate them!  
I will reply individually in the next few days.

nice stuff

It's difficult to answer for myself,  although I can relate to this, it's been such a long time since I've had anyone new in my life. I can see what you say in one of my friends but I think her root is self esteem and anxiety, not AS. She can be quite intense but since I've learned from another friend about setting boundaries, this has helped with the intense friend  (ie if I don't text back it's because I don't want to talk...I will text bsck eventuslly). Sorry I know this is kind of opposite to what you are asking but I'm getting at...if you can establish boundaries it might help. .... (Altho that's more for people you know a bit better).

For me, I've built up resilience by learning 1. I am not other people. I cannot control them or control what they think (of me). This seems common sense but it's taken work to understand and believe this. Also 2. I don't know the other person's story or why they haven't replied. It is difficult to get out of negative thinking on this one and my automatic response is usually negative and directed at myself however I'm getting better at this. 3. People have diffetrnt communication styles. (Eg one manager always says thanks to my emails, another doesn't. ..that doesn't mean she hasn't read it. I've learned to have faith she has read it).  Once I started understanding the points above its taken away pressure. 

I'm not sure I'd classify this under black and white thinking which is a little more like: If not A then B. X or Y. 

Variables in this problem: People Send mixed messages. NTs tend to not have authentic selves (thus they're always 'searching' for them) or tend not to be aware of the mismatch of their actions/words. It's also far more anxiety-inducing to exhaust oneself trying to invest in a friendship which the other isn't. We all need an equalibrium unless the relationship is a mentorship of sorts (parent-child, teacher-student).

I've also found being attracted to highly judgemental NTs who need constant secret codes and adoration does not make for an enjoyable relationship. In fact, I end up fed up with them even if there's an overwhelming 'chemistry' at the start. That chemistry is just a compatability marker, it's supposed to be blinding to character flaws for 'survival of the speices'. Good to be forewarned! LOL 

If it's a work matter and I'm not sure I've offended someone, I've found adding humour and a thought-full clever approach into my direct-ness is a useful way to try and tidy up the situation (sometimes this can take a bit of time to learn techniques). But really I've decided to become my wonderfully eccentric interesting and sometimes strange self. If I'm kind-hearted and genuine, I find it's easy to forgive and be forgiven by individuals I actually would like to be in relationships with!

Black and white thinking is also referred to as dualistic thinking, and all humans suffer from it, not just autistics.  Although some autistics do suffer from it quite badly.

the answer is to always stop and try to think of the third way, the way in between,  or the grey, the alternatives. 

you can force yourself away from Grasshopper thinking and and more into reality by always challenging the thoughts which are worrying you or negative.

sphynx has outlined this approach above 

you can extend it by writing them down in a journal. This also then helps u find repeated negative thoughts which you can then work on

this approach is taught in Positive thinking courses and CBT  courses and worked really well for me

Hi Ultramarine,

Oh wow, I can relate to all of these to different extents. You’re definitely not alone. I haven’t found reliable ways to cope with the anxiety, but I wonder if using logic could help gain some more perspective. For example:

When you’re worrying about why someone is taking a long time to reply, think about all the possible reasons for this: 

They could be really busy;

They could have something going on for them – maybe give them a week or two, then message again asking if they’re OK, letting them know you’re here for them if they need.

When you need reassurance but feel you can’t ask: this is another hard one, and logic can often feel less available. Some people suggest giving yourself a set amount of time to worry, but I find I can never keep the concern within that dedicated slot. Maybe it’s worth trying this though (if you haven’t already) and then if you’re still feeling anxious challenge yourself to drop the person a message, letting them know it’s difficult/awkward/anxiety-inducing for you to do this, but that they and your friendship are important to you, and sharing some of your concerns. It’s hard, but honesty and trust are so important, and you deserve to give and receive them. 

I have no idea if that helps, and you may have tried all this already – but those are my thoughts for now – good luck!