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Wanting things to be Black and White: can you relate to these examples?

Ultramarine

Hello,

I've heard that wanting things to be black and white, and getting extremely anxious as a result, is a characteristic of autism.  I realised recently that I tend to do this a lot.  I find it very anxiety-provoking and I thought I would make a list of the things I find the most difficult, to see if anyone else could relate to them.  

Have you experienced any of these traits, and if so, have you found anything that helps to cope with the anxiety?

In friendships and relationships:

- Getting really anxious about written communication because you're not sure how to interpret particular words such as 'love' at the end of a message (is it just a friendly formality, or does it mean that the person is interested romantically?) and heart emoticons.  I expect that NT people also worry about this, but not to the extent that the anxiety becomes all-consuming, distracting you from everyday activities and making you feel like you want to avoid relationships because they are too stressful.

- Worrying that the other person might not like you any more, or be interested in you any more.  Feeling like you need reassurance, but not feeling you can ask them.

- Getting really anxious after sending an email or text message, in the period of time between sending the message and receiving a reply.  If the other person takes a long time to reply, getting worried that this means you've offended them, or that they don't want to know you any more.

Can anyone relate to these things and if so, have you found anything that helps you cope with the anxiety?

Parents

  • I'm not sure I'd classify this under black and white thinking which is a little more like: If not A then B. X or Y. 

    Variables in this problem: People Send mixed messages. NTs tend to not have authentic selves (thus they're always 'searching' for them) or tend not to be aware of the mismatch of their actions/words. It's also far more anxiety-inducing to exhaust oneself trying to invest in a friendship which the other isn't. We all need an equalibrium unless the relationship is a mentorship of sorts (parent-child, teacher-student).

    I've also found being attracted to highly judgemental NTs who need constant secret codes and adoration does not make for an enjoyable relationship. In fact, I end up fed up with them even if there's an overwhelming 'chemistry' at the start. That chemistry is just a compatability marker, it's supposed to be blinding to character flaws for 'survival of the speices'. Good to be forewarned! LOL 

    If it's a work matter and I'm not sure I've offended someone, I've found adding humour and a thought-full clever approach into my direct-ness is a useful way to try and tidy up the situation (sometimes this can take a bit of time to learn techniques). But really I've decided to become my wonderfully eccentric interesting and sometimes strange self. If I'm kind-hearted and genuine, I find it's easy to forgive and be forgiven by individuals I actually would like to be in relationships with!

Reply

  • I'm not sure I'd classify this under black and white thinking which is a little more like: If not A then B. X or Y. 

    Variables in this problem: People Send mixed messages. NTs tend to not have authentic selves (thus they're always 'searching' for them) or tend not to be aware of the mismatch of their actions/words. It's also far more anxiety-inducing to exhaust oneself trying to invest in a friendship which the other isn't. We all need an equalibrium unless the relationship is a mentorship of sorts (parent-child, teacher-student).

    I've also found being attracted to highly judgemental NTs who need constant secret codes and adoration does not make for an enjoyable relationship. In fact, I end up fed up with them even if there's an overwhelming 'chemistry' at the start. That chemistry is just a compatability marker, it's supposed to be blinding to character flaws for 'survival of the speices'. Good to be forewarned! LOL 

    If it's a work matter and I'm not sure I've offended someone, I've found adding humour and a thought-full clever approach into my direct-ness is a useful way to try and tidy up the situation (sometimes this can take a bit of time to learn techniques). But really I've decided to become my wonderfully eccentric interesting and sometimes strange self. If I'm kind-hearted and genuine, I find it's easy to forgive and be forgiven by individuals I actually would like to be in relationships with!

Children
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Hi Juniper,

    Thanks for your reply.  I'm still very much learning about autism.  Can you say a bit more about what autistic black and white thinking is, in your opinion?  Have you experienced it personally?  I'm not sure if I've understood what it is.

    Also, when you say you've been attracted to judgemental NTs who need constant secret codes - what sort of secret codes do you mean?  I'm not sure that I understand this kind of thing very well.  Recently when I spoke to an autistic friend who I'd known for a while, and told him I thought I might be autistic as well, he said that he'd noticed that I don't seem to play the social or behavioural games that most people instinctively play.  I wasn't sure what these games are.  Maybe I will ask him.  But I'd be interested to know about the secret codes that you mention.

    Great to hear that you've decided to become your wonderfully eccentric, interesting and sometimes strange self! Slight smile