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Wanting things to be Black and White: can you relate to these examples?

Ultramarine

Hello,

I've heard that wanting things to be black and white, and getting extremely anxious as a result, is a characteristic of autism.  I realised recently that I tend to do this a lot.  I find it very anxiety-provoking and I thought I would make a list of the things I find the most difficult, to see if anyone else could relate to them.  

Have you experienced any of these traits, and if so, have you found anything that helps to cope with the anxiety?

In friendships and relationships:

- Getting really anxious about written communication because you're not sure how to interpret particular words such as 'love' at the end of a message (is it just a friendly formality, or does it mean that the person is interested romantically?) and heart emoticons.  I expect that NT people also worry about this, but not to the extent that the anxiety becomes all-consuming, distracting you from everyday activities and making you feel like you want to avoid relationships because they are too stressful.

- Worrying that the other person might not like you any more, or be interested in you any more.  Feeling like you need reassurance, but not feeling you can ask them.

- Getting really anxious after sending an email or text message, in the period of time between sending the message and receiving a reply.  If the other person takes a long time to reply, getting worried that this means you've offended them, or that they don't want to know you any more.

Can anyone relate to these things and if so, have you found anything that helps you cope with the anxiety?

Parents

  • Hi Ultramarine,

    Oh wow, I can relate to all of these to different extents. You’re definitely not alone. I haven’t found reliable ways to cope with the anxiety, but I wonder if using logic could help gain some more perspective. For example:

    When you’re worrying about why someone is taking a long time to reply, think about all the possible reasons for this: 

    They could be really busy;

    They could have something going on for them – maybe give them a week or two, then message again asking if they’re OK, letting them know you’re here for them if they need.

    When you need reassurance but feel you can’t ask: this is another hard one, and logic can often feel less available. Some people suggest giving yourself a set amount of time to worry, but I find I can never keep the concern within that dedicated slot. Maybe it’s worth trying this though (if you haven’t already) and then if you’re still feeling anxious challenge yourself to drop the person a message, letting them know it’s difficult/awkward/anxiety-inducing for you to do this, but that they and your friendship are important to you, and sharing some of your concerns. It’s hard, but honesty and trust are so important, and you deserve to give and receive them. 

    I have no idea if that helps, and you may have tried all this already – but those are my thoughts for now – good luck!

  • in reply to sphynx

    Hi Sphynx,

    Thanks for these suggestions.  I sometimes try doing these things as well, e.g. thinking of all the possible reasons why someone hasn't replied.  I still find the anxiety difficult, because I've lost so many previous friendships and romantic relationships.  Keeping busy is another thing that helps.  Also trying to get out of the house. I work from home, and I'm in the same room every day which I've noticed can affect anxiety.  If I have the chance to go on a long walk outside, I usually feel much better.

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  • in reply to sphynx

    Hi Sphynx,

    Thanks for these suggestions.  I sometimes try doing these things as well, e.g. thinking of all the possible reasons why someone hasn't replied.  I still find the anxiety difficult, because I've lost so many previous friendships and romantic relationships.  Keeping busy is another thing that helps.  Also trying to get out of the house. I work from home, and I'm in the same room every day which I've noticed can affect anxiety.  If I have the chance to go on a long walk outside, I usually feel much better.

Children
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