Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear Lovely Peeps,
Has anyone ever experienced autistic catatonia or sever shut down? If so, if you are prepared to talk about it, I'd like to hear. What brought it on? What did that look and feel like? How did you get out of it?
I'm a bit worried about me just now.
My mind is busy, oh so busy, on just one thing the up coming assessment and coping with the sensory and medical stuff in the meantime with a functioning alcoholic husband, who loves me to bits but is oblivious to what I need by way of support. I tell him but it's in one ear and out the other. It's the booze, not a lack of love, I know.
I am working from home and normally love my job, but concentration on that is very, very difficult just now. I long for some annual leave to sort out the mess my husband makes of the place (he is chaos personified, I have a typical autistic need for absolute cleanliness and order to function) and then engage with some of my interests to make me feel better.
But when I take leave, I struggle to get out of bed. I start to make a move but then feel completely overwhelmed by the size of the tasks in front of me and have to sit down again. My body has barely moved from the house in 18 months. In my head I tell my self I'll do this and do that and try to have a life, but then find myself just sitting and rocking in the corner or playing a bubble pop game on my phone over and over - I'm not even trying to win, just watch the bubbles pop. There are days when I'm barely able to get out of my dressing gown and into the bath. I put the TV on and can't follow the plot of whatever's on.
I have been through a couple of deeply traumatic experiences over the past couple of years. But I just seem to pick myself up from one thing, to be hit by another.
I don't want to be like this. And it isn't normal for me. I'm usually an active person. I want to be giving work what work deserves and doing the things I like in a perfectly ordered house. But I can't get going with the most basic things. I can bearly be bothered to eat. This has been really bad for the past 6 months.
I might just be torturing myself for no good reason, but this doesn't feel like depression. I'm concerned I'm going into some sort of state of involuntary inertia.
Although I can't directly answer about autistic catatonia / shutdown as I'm not really sure, what you describe sounds like some signs of depression.
I WAS going to say it sounds like the chronic burnout that I had a decade or so ago, but actually, now I re-read what you posted, it reminds me more of when I had depression about a decade before that.
Depression and burnout have a load of overlaps, so it could be both. But the key difference for me was when I was burned out (the doctor thought it was depression again) is that I always woke up feeling cheerful and positive, eager to look out the window to see what the weather was like. I lost this when I got depression and instead couldn't get out of bed for other reasons. But both had fatigue, difficulties doing regular tasks and so on. When depressed I lost my motivation to eat, but when burned out I knew the importance of eating and wanted to feed myself but I physically couldn't.
Since you said you've been through some traumatic things one after another without much of a break, it may be that the processing for these things is catching up with you now or your internal processing resources, emotional battery etc. have hit their max.
It's probably going to be a bit obvious to say that getting support for this would be really worthwhile. CBT helped me hugely, for e.g.
Less obvious though is I'd recommend to go easy on yourself and let yourself sit and rock, playing the bubble pop game if that's what you need. One thing I've learned is that stimming can take many forms and be a great stress reliever or at least buy some time while you process things subconsciously. I love that blissful feeling of a repetitive task which has no pressure - I loved Bejewelled or Solitaire.
The hardest part of both my depression and burnout was letting the 'optional' things around me drop and be messy, untidy, etc. to save on resources. The first and biggest positive step for me was in the form of a silly challenge I made up: to leave my bed unmade for the entire day. It was SO hard. But I found reasons why it could be good to leave it unmade (faster to get into bed later, airs the mattress and duvet...!!), learned how to challenge my need for order. My perfectionist tendencies were sky high but also exhausting me. I was on a sure-fire heading to be OCD like my dad, but I may have avoided that, fingers crossed, time will tell.
Can't offer much wisdom about your hubby. What moon said is what I have heard and experienced first hand too. It was really hard to learn about what 'enabling' meant and codependency. I'm aware of someone in my life in a relationship that's living like that - we crossed paths in a way that impacted me a lot. I wouldn't know if that is you and your hubby just from your one post, but one thing is sure, when you're in that position as the codependent one, enabling, you truly have no idea. It helps to get outside (professional, experienced) opinions. I sought help from someone who went through and now mentors in the 12 step program. He told me some hard truths just like moon has posted here and I was forever grateful. I couldn't have seen or understood it alone.
Thank you so much.
What you are saying in the first part makes absolute sence. Yes, the way you describe burn out is EXACTLY the way I'm feeling. I have been depressed but this is different. Every day I wake up thinking I should be doing this and that and positive but that quickly collapses and I can barely muster up the energy for a bath and then I'm exhausted and so cross with myself. I HATE the time waste. I'm so used to being occupied and in fact NEED to occupied in order to stave off the medical anxiety.
Perhaps I can stop torturing myself with notions that I'm going to go catatonic, now though. That was scaring me. So, I'm particularly grateful for that and I feel reassured on that score.
It seems to be a bit better when people around me are busy. I've had a week's annual this week with all sorts of "things to do". Monday and Tuesday I barely moved from the bed and was so cross with myself. Wednesday was better. My gardener, also an old colleague, came round and I did some gardening with him. I then forced myself out for a walk. Today, I'm struggling to get off the sofa again and as you say, I want to eat but somehow can't get as far as the fridge.
Order, funnily enough, plays a huge part for me, but it's kind of the opposite. The more order I see the better I am, the more disorder, the deeper this goes and yet getting the mess I didn't make in order is hard.
Support would be nice but there's none on offer from anywhere, other than my private counsellor, who is pretty switched on. I'm lucky I can afford to get that. The NHS don't understand and do nothing.
As for my other half. Yeah! I know all that. I can see it all too plainly. I just feel locked in a practical trap. Were I well, there wouldn't be a problem, because I'd be doing the obvious thing by now. Because I'm not, there's just nothing left in me to go through another trauma in getting him to live elsewhere. (And it would be). And be completely unable to get through the most basic of medical appointments...
I know there's a day coming when something has to crack - and it'll mean yet another trauma.
But thanks again for the burnout descriptor. All the detail helped a lot, actually.
Really glad to be of some use.
What you're saying about how you beat yourself up for not doing all you want to is exactly what I was feeling at that time, and sometimes still do. It was really tough for me to question that - because that pressure alone could be causing a lot of energy draining and keeping the burnout going. Expectations and feeling like we've failed our own goals (let alone others') are exhausting and demotivating as it is. But if you can find some reasoning like I try to, it can help. E.g. I think of logical facts like... Burned out people usually need MORE rest, MORE care, to go slowly, to take care of themselves. Then ask yourself if you feel you're giving yourself the allowances that a burned out person might want/need.
The sooner you can do things to help yourself out of burn out the better. It'll give yourself a chance to make some incremental gains in terms of recharging and resting. Otherwise you're borrowing from the future. I suppose finances would be a good analogy for this, going into the red, a bit of a cliche, too. Our bodies aren't as linear and simple as finances also... ("allostatic load" is a great descriptor and worth looking up if you're unfamiliar with it).
I'm having a bit of a wobbly day today so please excuse my questioning myself... I feel like everything I'm saying is a cliche but I'll just finish on this last cliche!!
Awareness is the first, most powerful step. Before we do any big project, we start with information gathering to find out what needs to be done, which direction to head in, etc... this is similar. Take time to gain awareness of what you're experiencing right now, learn about yourself, your options, which direction to go in first. Then take small steps to take care of yourself ... at your own pace.... Learn what works for you and what doesn't.
Wishing you all the best. You're here reaching out for support - you're already on the way to better things. Don't give up.
I'm sorry you're feeling wobbly. I hope you feel better soon. It's not cliche at all. It's very useful.
Now that you've identified it, I've been googling - yeah, you're right it IS what I'm going through. It has happened before, I recognise, but not like this and not gone on so long. It's been eight months.
Figuring it out is half the answer I guess. Thank you.