Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I have been with my wife for 5 years. We have always had communication issues and not understood the others way of thinking. Within the past few months I have started to consider the possibility that she is Autistic or Aspergers. I do not know much about these conditions but the more I have read, the more I am convinced that this is the case - to the point that I question how I didn't see this. I have been advised that I need to be vary careful about if or how I bring this subject up as it could damage her. I feel that if she / we know that Autism / Aspergers is involved, then we would have more understanding of each other.
What is the general advice for suggesting to someone they may have Autistic traits? She holds a good job, makes a few but very close friends, but expects more of me than I can deliver and her thought processes arrive at conclusions or follow a path that I could never have imagined. She is perfectly happy with her life and controls any difficulties within it to the point I wouldn't necessarily bring Autism up. The issue is with us. The marriage has about failed and I think our communication, way of thinking and expectations are a big part of it. I've done the Aspergers test for myself and her (answering as close as I could guess on questions I didn't know the answer for - so I completely accept it may not be accurate), but I came out at 9 for myself (would have expected higher tbh! and 41 for my wife. Some of the questions surprised me - things which I saw as quirks of my wife or had only half noticed were listed as questions. Speaking with someone who described half a dozen traits was like listening to a description of my wife.
Personally I think I should bring up my thoughts and speak to her about it, but considering the advice that I may damage her by doing so, I need some further guidance.
Any advise, please,
Thank you.
I'd be very careful about this if you already have communication problems. Many years ago, my then partner mentioned to me that they thought they may have Aspergers. After reading up a bit on it, I thought they might be right and so I mentioned this a few days later. It was like lighting the blue touch paper and not standing far enough back! And this was to someone who had raised the subject themselves! So whatever you do, handle with care! I'd go along with what others have said, try and work on the communication issues rather than trying to find a problem with your wife that you think could be 'cured' or 'handled'. You could always take into consideration the fact that you think she may be autistic when you encounter these issues and then cut her some slack? That way she doesn't even have to be privy to your thoughts.