Telling a partner you think they may be autistic?

You want to approach it carefully to make sure she doesn't get offended or think you are blaming her for problems relationship.

I would say, the best approach would be to see if she is curious about her various idiosyncrasies and see if she wants to do the quiz herself (treat it like a fun quiz not like a test). It is quite likely she would be curious or she might have secretly suspected it already.

But if she doesn't want to pursue the topic, don't push it. You can still research autism yourself. I would recommend watching youtube videos by different autistic people, it will give you more human insight and hopefully help you understand where she's coming from better. (Books written by autism experts are mostly quite pathologising and may be less relevant to your wife, who I assume is high functioning and heavily masking to have got this far with no-one pointing it out.)

that's the best, most honest and most practical comment i've read so far.

The answer is obviously going to be honesty bring it up with her be direct you said the marriage has about failed plus the expectations all you can do is bring it up tell her what you need from her because you are struggling. If she cannot give you it then it's a one sided relationship leave her. Your wife is here to make life easier for you vice versa if that is not the case then leave.

My sister called me a very offensive word beginning with S. Needless to say I've not bothered to talk to her about it since my diagnosis. 

There are a lot of neurotypical people in this forum who, like you, fight very hard for their relationships and I think that is very admirable - I don't think there's anything wrong with you reaching out on here - I just wanted to check your understanding of the situation - but it sounds like you've given it a lot of thought - could you drop it into the conversation that someone else has autism - like a fictional friend from the past, to test the waters?  I won't tell my dad if I am diagnosed as I can't even repeat the negative word he used about a relative who has autism, and yet, I reckon he has autism himself also.

My husband is trying to be nicer to me but let's face it, autistic people aren't the easiest people to live with. I'm a compulsive debater and cannot stop myself from pointing out rights from wrongs (objective and subjective types). I can be extremely awkward, anxious and abrupt (not always at the same time, thank goodness). I'm a pretty chaotic person living the pretence of a successful and settled person. My success at doing that is probably largely to my husband but nobody tell him that. It will only make him smug.

Hi all, thank you for your replies. Please do not think that I feel my wife has "something wrong with her". I do apologise if I have offended with any ignorance on my part, but with what has been happening, reaching out seemed like the next (only) step. I've come into this forum asking questions because I don't know enough. There are certainly other reasons why our relationship is struggling - I work too much is one significant factor, but I'm am at a loss trying to understand why we struggle so much with the communication. There is a slight language barrier, but not enough to cause so many issues. There is a behaviour as well, which I struggle to pinpoint, but I don't understand it - and haven't experienced it before. I am not 'blaming' our struggles on someone being autistic. I am trying to understand and make sense of things as best I can. And I may very well of course be wrong.

We have both been to counselling separately and together. We have tried at great lengths to work on the communication. I do not want my wife to change into a different person at all - ever, but I do want to understand (if possible) this communication problem that significantly contributes to the problems in our relationship. I know that it's not wrong or invalid for someone to think a different way - autistic / Aspergers or otherwise - I've said to her months ago, numerous times, before I considered autism that I'm not saying her way of thinking is wrong, as much as my way isn't (hopefully usually) wrong, just that our brains work in such different ways. And again, this was pre me thinking autism may be a factor. One of the things that attracted me to her in the beginning was that she looked a

t things differently, in a way I often hadn't considered, but would always be able to back up why - whether I agreed with her position or not, I appreciated her way of looking at things. However, this sort of changed. 'Facts' which weren't facts but more opinion were now 'facts' and I was wrong, try as I might I would get things wrong so often and there would be no discussion of it. It has taken me a long time and a lot of support to be feeling that this is not all because of me. I'm ok to accept it is because of both of us being together, but not that it is just my failings.

When someone first listed some traits of Autism, I felt they knew my wife and was describing her. A day later and it felt like a huge, huge weight off of my shoulders because I wasn't 'in the wrong' with who and how I am. It felt like there was an explanation for a part of what we are going through. I don't know why this helped my feelings so much, but it really did. We have both been through so, so much, what we have been through (whatever 'it' is) has driven us both as individuals to horrific feelings. Worse feelings that I can bring myself to put into text. I'm embarrassed, sad and ashamed of them (on my side), but we are still here and we are still trying to get better. Together, I sometimes make things worse, apart she gets upset and I feel like I'm abandoning her. I keep acknowledging that I may be wrong thinking she may be autistic, but I think it is fair to consider it with everything we have been through. I considered if I am as well as her, I've been to counselling because of how 'bad' (understatement) I have felt. Either she is or she isn't or at varying degrees, but any of the above is fine. I was attracted to her by some of things that may well be linked to autism, I wouldn't want or expect her to change who she is, I was just hoping that if we knew she was that it might help us understand part of our problems and if we understand better we might be able to solve them better.

Oddone- I have considered this and it is a concern. It was in my mind when I made this post. I could imagine trying to bring it up and being met with a "we have problems so now you think there is something wrong with me?" response. Since I have thought she may be autistic, I have cut her more slack. I have treated her as if she does have different needs to what I would otherwise assume, and it has really helped on my side and helped me cope with things, but also I think, helped me take the time and even more effort and patience when I'm speaking with her. But so, so much more than I would do with anyone else - that is a difference. Before I felt I was being rode over and abused by giving in to so much, but now I am more tolerant of some things. My thinking at the moment is that the marriage may be over. The discussion of Autism (if hence my post it is appropriate) is to me the next step as we have tried other suggestions above. We are even at the stage where I think if we end up separating, shouldn't I share my thoughts seeing as I know her the closest? As horrible as it is, and I don't particularly want to think about everything, but wouldn't understanding not help her in future relationships in life? Instead of just 'sorry, I'm done, see you later'? I'm sorry, but I feel like the relationship is about at it's end.

And thank you Michelle, that made me smile ;)

The summary of my ramblings above are that I'm not trying to change her, she should 100 million %  times be the person she is. Whilst I think she may be autistic, she might not be, I just want to understand and have her know that I am trying.

Her being diagnosed as autistic wouldn't make you communicate better with each other. Perhaps just focus on better communication more generally? 

And just be nicer to her. You can never be too nice to your wife haha. 

I'd be very careful about this if you already have communication problems. Many years ago, my then partner mentioned to me that they thought they may have Aspergers. After reading up a bit on it, I thought they might be right and so I mentioned this a few days later. It was like lighting the blue touch paper and not standing far enough back! And this was to someone who had raised the subject themselves! So whatever you do, handle with care! I'd go along with what others have said, try and work on the communication issues rather than trying to find a problem with your wife that you think could be 'cured' or 'handled'. You could always take into consideration the fact that you think she may be autistic when you encounter these issues and then cut her some slack? That way she doesn't even have to be privy to your thoughts. 

I think AutisticGuy has a point, if you’re having communication issues you need to deal with them rather than trying to diagnose her with things. Have you spoken about communication with her? Have you been to marriage counselling? I would bring that up first focus on the actual issue then if it naturally progresses in that direction you can mention autism etc but as Adele M said having an autism diagnosis won’t necessarily “fix” her it’s an explanation. It’s also worth bearing in mind that it can be very time consuming and or expensive to be diagnosed as an adult female

Your wife knowing that she has autism should not make her change into a different person -she would just be masking if she did that which would not be healthy for her, and being autistic is a perfectly valid type of person to be.  But I do think that if you both know that you are different neurotypes, you might try harder to understand each other - it's not one person being right and one being wrong, it's two people being different.  But as I say, I can't advise on how you do it.

it's arrogant to think just because your relationship is crap then the other person must automatically be autistic because obviously they don't understand you and so obviously they must have something wrong with them.  you said you had communication issues and you've not understood each others way of thinking since day one (which begs the question why did you get married in the first place?) maybe I'm too simple to understand these things, but i thought if you marry someone, you should be able to understand each others way of thinking? with this in mind it seems like you did well to keep it going for five years seeing as you are so badly suited. she's perfectly happy with her life (your words). you cant blame a bad relationship or a failing marriage on someone being autistic. that's not kind.

I can't really help - I decided for myself I was probably autistic, but if you look below your post, there are related posts - have a look at what's been said on those - if nothing relevant comes up, tweak the title of your post to bring up more results - and hopefully someone will give you some good advice on your post too eventually. 

Can anyone help at all please - or point me in the right direction for someone to speak to? Helplines are around 30 days at the moment according to the messages. Even if it is a councillor with experience / knowledge if I need to pay for a session to ask questions.

Thank you.