Published on 12, July, 2020
First off, I'm not new to the forum but, given the topic, I didn't want it linked to a username that could possibly come up on a search by people I know in the real world. For background I am in my 30's and fairly sure I'm autistic, I was told it was likely by a medical professional in the field and having researched I fit almost all of the criteria to a tee. However there is an aspect that worries me I keep coming up against, and that's about lying. I keep seeing that Autistic people are usually honest to a fault, and in certain aspects that is me too, if someone asks an opinion I will either outright tell them what I think or if I think I'm going to be really mean I just say I'd prefer not to talk about it, but when it comes to explaining myself, what I'm feeling, how I'm coping, I lie, and a lot. I have seen the odd mention here and there about certain situations where this happens to autistic children but im struggling to find much info on it to see if I fit those criteria so I was wondering if this is anyone on here resonates with or if anyone knows where I can get more info on it?If any of this sound familiar I would love the help, I'm waiting for my assessment when I intend to be entirely truthful about this but I'm getting stresses out because they want family members input and I don't know how they will go down, they're not wonderfully supportive at the best of times and I think if they're there I will struggle to be truthful.
Further Details - Its a bit long, sorry, but you can skip it with no issue if you already understand.
For those that want some more detail, basically what I'm talking about is for years I have been getting overwhelmed, anxious and upset in places where I'm told I should be having fun and I didn't know why and rather than tell people what was happening to me, because I didn't know, I would say I had a stomach upset or a headache or similar, however over the years as my reactions got worse and my ability to cope degraded I would have to make up a bigger lie and this escalated to the point where to cover for the fact I had basically quit my job been ghosting all my family and friends for months while I had a mental breakdown, shutdown, suicide attempt etc I said "I had cancer and I didn't want to tell them", it fit the pattern for them, they know id spent some time in hospital and then a lot of time healing and I certainly looked like id been dragged through hell and back, but ever since I've been wracked with guilt. And there's another couple of big lies for similar reasons, for example they think I have a diagnosed digestive issue that limits my diet to cover for me restrictive eating habits, this lie isn't actually that far from the truth because I do have digestive issues and cant absorb b12 or some other minerals, they're just not formally diagnosed because they couldnt figure out the cause, but I'm certainly not on a restrictive diet plan from the doctors, that's all my brain.As contradictory as it seems I long for one of them to call me on it so I can just tell them what really happened, and this habit of being brutally honest if im called on a lie is normal behaviour for me, the odd times its happened people have been taken a back by how I don't try to hold the lie I just tell them the whole story and that maily because the lie tends to be a stess reaction and I regret it later.So as far as where I think it may have come from I do have a theory. As a small child I spent much of my time with my grandparents who were difficult, my nan especially was verbally abusive and sometimes would find reasons to get my grandad to hit me and my sister for things she saw as bad behaviour, the bad behaviour was stuff like, struggling to spell, not understanding what she meant, not acting how she thought a child should act in front of her friends etc. I remember being very small and being terrified of my nan and having to find ways to cheat and lie about what I was doing and I suspect I masked quite early because of that too, and that continued for most of my pre-teen childhood. The first big lie I can remember telling to cover up was when I was 11 or 12 and I had a traumatic abuse situation happen (that I've still never admitted to anyone) and the only way I could get out of it and stop it happening without telling people was to outright lie and then I had to continue that lie to stay safe, very soon after I discovered my sexuality wasn't straight and due to homophobia in my family I lied about that too and so the cycle continues right up to the present day where I still have gender issues I cant talk about because of the backlash I'll receive. Anyway, sorry for that mind dump, I've moved it down here for those that want context.
this was actually really interesting to read you see like an interesting person.
so when i first read the title you gave me the idea you are a compulsive liar. i have a family member who is and they lie even when caught red handed for the smallest things.
what you do is common among people with issues i do it too. we all do it because social anxiety or other issues. it was only as an adult i started saying i just cant be bothered to hang out or i'm having a bad day i'm staying home alone leave me alone. your "lies" sound like you don't want to disappoint people and in fact you blame your self and don't want to let them down. don't feel like a liar for doing that its different to being a compulsive liar.
have someone ever asked you to do something then when you refused they attack you for not doing what you wanted. but if you say something like i cant do it because i have to attend a funeral or just got bad news from a doctor instead of the typical angry response to a no they are nice and respectful. it sounds like you are in a situation like that. its not your fault its the environment and its made you feel bad for how its made you.
i think you should get professional help about what happened to you as a kid and if the culprits are able to pay for their crimes they should. dont feel guilty or bad its not your fault. you deserve control over your life without feeling guilty.
all the best to you i do hope the replies can offer some help for you
Vesters said:this was actually really interesting to read you see like an interesting person.
Thanks Vesters! Yeah, interesting in a way I never expected to be when younger lol.I struggled with the idea I might compulsively lie for a while and it never felt right because I wasnt lying for the sake of it like I sort of imagined I would if it was compulsive and even before I knew the cause I knew I was having bad mental issues I was covering up for, I spent quite some time terrified if be locked in a hospital if people found out the things my head did.
Vesters said:have someone ever asked you to do something then when you refused they attack you for not doing what you wanted. but if you say something like i cant do it because i have to attend a funeral or just got bad news from a doctor instead of the typical angry response to a no they are nice and respectful. it sounds like you are in a situation like that
^^^ Yes! this! All of this, couldn't have summed it up better myself. and it started early too. It's was this sort of thing my nan used to attack me over. In new social situations as a little kid I would go quiet verging on mute, mum just used to tell people I was shy but if it was with my nan, she would needle me and needle me until I broke then id run and hide, then later things would get very unpleasant because I embarrassed her in front of friends, however, if, when I was quiet I just said I didnt feel well, things were better. And that soft of pressure never really ended.
Vesters said:i think you should get professional help about what happened to you as a kid
Funny you should say that, I have an appointment on Thursday for a counselling / therapy assessment to find someone suitable to help with it. Its only really been since I got told about the ASD I have been able to confront the memories because it taken so much stress off me, having a much better idea of why I am the way I am.
Vesters said: if the culprits are able to pay for their crimes they should.
They're not, the ones I knew personally are all gone now, both my nan and grandad both passed away last year and the stuff when I was older I have no way to find out who they were. Also, I don't know if this is an Autistic trait or a me thing but I have a really hard time blaming people for things, its extremely unpleasant for me to be the cause of pain or anguish to someone even if they deserve it, it makes me feel sick, so I'm not sure id be able to do anything about it if I did have info.Thanks again, this thread has really helped put some things into perspective, I feel like I'm on my way to getting things in order.
Bob the Britney said:I can logically agree with this right now unfortunately I tend to catastrophise and the worse my mental state the worse that gets. The truth is that I saw the way I acted, the things I tried to do to myself, all the ways I thought I was broken and in some ways evil. Until a couple of years back I honestly thought I was a broken and evil person.
meltdowns come in many forms. hopefully you see now that doesnt make you evil or broken
Bob the Britney said:Thank you, im learning, things are getting much better! Thank you again for you help!
you're welcome
Vesters said:I could understand why you were scared but ending up in a hospital is usually the very very final step for a very sick person. Don't let others control you into being a person you are not!
I can logically agree with this right now unfortunately I tend to catastrophise and the worse my mental state the worse that gets. The truth is that I saw the way I acted, the things I tried to do to myself, all the ways I thought I was broken and in some ways evil. Until a couple of years back I honestly thought I was a broken and evil person.
Vesters said:That's amazing to know that you are getting an appointment its so weird that i'm really happy for you even though we don't know each other.
Thank you! your well wishes mean a lot, honestly!
Vesters said:if this stuff happened to your best friend you would want justice and your friend to be better at any cost. its all easier said than done but baby steps.
Yeah I know what you mean and if it was a friend I would have to listen to see their view on it. But for me, I know that it will cause me pain to cause that person suffering even if they did something to me, it would be different if I knew the person to be causing pain to others then I would feel I had to deal with it, I would be morally obliged.
Vesters said:when you learn to empower your voice like you're doing here you will be capable of so much!
Thank you, im learning, things are getting much better! Thank you again for you help!
It's odd I used to have to say I didn't feel well in some physical way to get them to soften their approach while I tried to recover. But when I'm actually feeling physical pain I lie and say I'm Okay or at the very least downplay it.
Yeah... I do this one too, never really thought of it like that to be honest but yeah totally true for me.
The problem with lying is it makes people think you're attention-seeking. When it's often the opposite for us, we're trying to get people to leave us alone or at the very least stop bombarding us with blame for not coping with situations they deem 'normal'
Hmmm, yeah I suppose your right, its certainly right that I didn't want attention, I wanted help in some cases, like the cancer lie, I was unable to function and needed help existing. stuff like, someone to go shopping for me, needing so emotional support at times etc, but the vast majority of them you're entirely correct I was trying to find ways to protect myself at the same time as getting people to let me do that without adding to my issues.
Bob the Britney said:I spent quite some time terrified if be locked in a hospital if people found out the things my head did.
I could understand why you were scared but ending up in a hospital is usually the very very final step for a very sick person. Don't let others control you into being a person you are not!
Bob the Britney said:Funny you should say that, I have an appointment on Thursday for a counselling / therapy assessment to find someone suitable to help with it.
That's amazing to know that you are getting an appointment its so weird that i'm really happy for you even though we don't know each other.
Bob the Britney said: Also, I don't know if this is an Autistic trait or a me thing but I have a really hard time blaming people for things, its extremely unpleasant for me to be the cause of pain or anguish to someone even if they deserve it, it makes me feel sick, so I'm not sure id be able to do anything about it if I did have info.
its a trait of a good person you don't want to cause someone stress or a bad day even if they deserve it. but you need to start prioritizing your self. if this stuff happened to your best friend you would want justice and your friend to be better at any cost. its all easier said than done but baby steps.
Bob the Britney said:Thanks again, this thread has really helped put some things into perspective, I feel like I'm on my way to getting things in order.
this is great news i really do hope you can begin to get answers and change your perspective on you being a "liar" you're just trying to do whats best for you in the only way you know how. when you learn to empower your voice like you're doing here you will be capable of so much!
Bob the Britney said:as a little kid I would go quiet verging on mute, mum just used to tell people I was shy but if it was with my nan, she would needle me and needle me until I broke then id run and hide, then later things would get very unpleasant because I embarrassed her in front of friends, however, if, when I was quiet I just said I didnt feel well, things were better. And that soft of pressure never really ended.
I had similar problems though I actually did and still do go mute. It's odd I used to have to say I didn't feel well in some physical way to get them to soften their approach while I tried to recover. But when I'm actually feeling physical pain I lie and say I'm Okay or at the very least downplay it. The problem with lying is it makes people think you're attention-seeking. When it's often the opposite for us, we're trying to get people to leave us alone or at the very least stop bombarding us with blame for not coping with situations they deem 'normal'