Published on 12, July, 2020
First off, I'm not new to the forum but, given the topic, I didn't want it linked to a username that could possibly come up on a search by people I know in the real world. For background I am in my 30's and fairly sure I'm autistic, I was told it was likely by a medical professional in the field and having researched I fit almost all of the criteria to a tee. However there is an aspect that worries me I keep coming up against, and that's about lying. I keep seeing that Autistic people are usually honest to a fault, and in certain aspects that is me too, if someone asks an opinion I will either outright tell them what I think or if I think I'm going to be really mean I just say I'd prefer not to talk about it, but when it comes to explaining myself, what I'm feeling, how I'm coping, I lie, and a lot. I have seen the odd mention here and there about certain situations where this happens to autistic children but im struggling to find much info on it to see if I fit those criteria so I was wondering if this is anyone on here resonates with or if anyone knows where I can get more info on it?If any of this sound familiar I would love the help, I'm waiting for my assessment when I intend to be entirely truthful about this but I'm getting stresses out because they want family members input and I don't know how they will go down, they're not wonderfully supportive at the best of times and I think if they're there I will struggle to be truthful.
Further Details - Its a bit long, sorry, but you can skip it with no issue if you already understand.
For those that want some more detail, basically what I'm talking about is for years I have been getting overwhelmed, anxious and upset in places where I'm told I should be having fun and I didn't know why and rather than tell people what was happening to me, because I didn't know, I would say I had a stomach upset or a headache or similar, however over the years as my reactions got worse and my ability to cope degraded I would have to make up a bigger lie and this escalated to the point where to cover for the fact I had basically quit my job been ghosting all my family and friends for months while I had a mental breakdown, shutdown, suicide attempt etc I said "I had cancer and I didn't want to tell them", it fit the pattern for them, they know id spent some time in hospital and then a lot of time healing and I certainly looked like id been dragged through hell and back, but ever since I've been wracked with guilt. And there's another couple of big lies for similar reasons, for example they think I have a diagnosed digestive issue that limits my diet to cover for me restrictive eating habits, this lie isn't actually that far from the truth because I do have digestive issues and cant absorb b12 or some other minerals, they're just not formally diagnosed because they couldnt figure out the cause, but I'm certainly not on a restrictive diet plan from the doctors, that's all my brain.As contradictory as it seems I long for one of them to call me on it so I can just tell them what really happened, and this habit of being brutally honest if im called on a lie is normal behaviour for me, the odd times its happened people have been taken a back by how I don't try to hold the lie I just tell them the whole story and that maily because the lie tends to be a stess reaction and I regret it later.So as far as where I think it may have come from I do have a theory. As a small child I spent much of my time with my grandparents who were difficult, my nan especially was verbally abusive and sometimes would find reasons to get my grandad to hit me and my sister for things she saw as bad behaviour, the bad behaviour was stuff like, struggling to spell, not understanding what she meant, not acting how she thought a child should act in front of her friends etc. I remember being very small and being terrified of my nan and having to find ways to cheat and lie about what I was doing and I suspect I masked quite early because of that too, and that continued for most of my pre-teen childhood. The first big lie I can remember telling to cover up was when I was 11 or 12 and I had a traumatic abuse situation happen (that I've still never admitted to anyone) and the only way I could get out of it and stop it happening without telling people was to outright lie and then I had to continue that lie to stay safe, very soon after I discovered my sexuality wasn't straight and due to homophobia in my family I lied about that too and so the cycle continues right up to the present day where I still have gender issues I cant talk about because of the backlash I'll receive. Anyway, sorry for that mind dump, I've moved it down here for those that want context.
It sounds to me like you feel guilty about your "lies", but if you look through them all, they are all about self preservation. You've had no choice in order to protect yourself. I think the very fact that you worry about that even though the deception was necessary, speaks to me of an innately honest person who is living in a world where it just hasn't been safe to be honest. Having to act counter to your basic nature has got to have been an awful strain for you.
You don't have to have your family involved in your assessment, if you don't want. Some people no longer have parents or siblings even and they still manage to assess the person. The assessors will understand if you say you aren't comfortable asking them.
Good luck with your assessment. I hope the right help for you will be riding on the back of the outcome.
Thank you, its actually really cathartic to actually admit it here even if it doesn't do much. You're right I do feel super guilty and at the same time keep doing it, I've been doing better over the last year and trying to let more people in but I do have trust issues, at least partially because I'm so reliant on my family now and they're the ones that I was scared of in the first place. Thank you again for being kind and for the well wishes!
And of course, the truth is only anyone's business if you want it to be. Your diagnosis, when you get it, is confidential medical information, which you alone have the right to disclose to those around you. The choice and the power over that is properly yours alone. You have options; tell them the truth, mask (it's a white lie of sorts many use), or just refuse to engage in discussions about what you eat or where you want to go, or lie. Only you will know which is better for your wellbeing.
What is clear in what you are saying is that you are in no way a liar of the type who does it for manipulation of others or personal gain. It may or may not sit right with you or be good for you, but in no way are you doing anything immoral.
You are being incredibly brave, you know.
Thanks, I know I don't have to but I do want to tell people, I need to be able to let the lies go or they're going hang over me forever, last year I had a scare and I had to go into a hospital, and I was so anxious over my mum coming out with a lie that everything looked way worse than it was because I was having a panic attack on top of everything else. They thought I was having a heart attack. On top of that I'm going to struggle to move on and improve my mental health if I have to keep up a lie every time some asks why I eat in the way I do. Thanks, honestly I needed someone to say that I think, I sort of know that but when it comes to someone lying about cancer and stuff like that everyone always mentions stories in the way that obviously makes the liar the villain. I just hope the fact I was actually dangerously unwell mitigates it a touch.