Published on 12, July, 2020
I have only been recently diagnosed at 40 and I’m currently really struggling to make my life work. I have 3 children, 2 not at school yet, and a job I have gone part time in, dropping to 2 days a week. The job has no flexibility and cannot make reasonable adjustments. I seem to be on a constant rollercoaster of anxiety, meltdowns, burnout and depression and it’s really impacting my relationship with my kids. I snap at them constantly and we never have any fun. I suspect my older daughter is also autistic and I worry about the impact this is having on her. I can see the mother I want to be but I am too stressed out to be her. Any advice at all would be welcomed.
Hiya
I'm an aspie bloke - was diagnosed at 42 with a young child too - in a very stressful job.
I'll give you some basics to think about.
Your fight-or-flight is enhanced because of your ASD - you will be super-sensitive to your surroundings waiting for a lion to jump out at you - ready to run or fight. Your brain is so busy preparing to fight that you sit at 99% stress all day.
You probably don't enjoy social interactions - people can manipulate you because they can pick up on this.
You probably mask - you run a fake, simplistic, pleasant interface to all the people you hate because you can't process fast enough to take them on in verbal battle.
At the end of the working day, you are sooooo agitated by the day's interactions that you want to walk through the door and just stop. Pause mode for at least 1/2 hour to re-start your brain - unfortunately you don't ever have that luxury with small kids.
This means you are like a pressure cooker at 99.9% so the tiniest addition stress / request / annoyance means that everyone gets the full blast of all of the day's stress - you seem totally unreasonable to them - they don't understand the impact and strain you're under of just getting through the day.
You feel guilty for dumping on the family - but you can't take back the anger and hurt you've just expelled - you're in the dog-house and the kids are upset.
This is a cycle that will repeat until you breakdown or burnout or you break your family and they call you a monster - there are loads of threads on here - often from the wife not understanding their ASD husband when they get into this spiralling down mode.
The best thing you can do it STOP! Have a long chat with your partner - the whole 9-5 game may be beyond your physical and mental capability. You might need to completely re-jig your life to be kinder to yourself and your family.
I survived another few years longer in the workplace with my health collapsing underneath me - my body was forcing me to take action.
Some questions - what do *you* do for fun and relaxation? How do you reset? What childish hobbies do you (want) to enjoy? I make models and play with Lego etc.
I don’t think I can afford not to work. I have been in a cycle for years of working to burnout and then taking time off with stress, then going back to do it all again. You could be describing my life upthread, I do yoga to relax which does help a lot but that’s all I really have time for. Before I had kids I loved Lego but it’s not really practical now!
Is there any skill you can develop to be able to work in a kinder place - somewhere that doesn't burn you out? Do you have a partner who can share the load?
To be fair, I do enjoy my job. It’s just that it is very full on, even part-time. I just feel like there is not enough space in my life to decompress and calm down. It may just be the way it has to be with young children but I feel they are getting a very raw deal out of it.