Visitation for autistic father with intense anger issues

Lulu you are going about his all wrong, your other post has made it abundantly clear what the problem is, it’s you. 

a man without autism wouldn’t put up with your behaviour. Your husband is intelligent and he probably has realised what direction your heading in and knows that you are going to try and block custody to his child. so it’s not within his interest to continue with the mental gymnastics that you are deliberately creating. He probably what to see his child but the drama your causing is making it hard for him to regulate his emotions.

the unpredictable behavioural outbursts aren’t unpredictable, they are extremely predictable and you are actively unconsciously or consciously provoking the out bursts, just stop it.

the kitten thing is not okay, but like it or not you are trying to control and dictate to him what he should do. His video gaming is a decompression behaviour in moderation and your have harassed him to stop making his tolerance for stress and sensory bombardment to extremely low. 

you are pushing him and more than likely your behaviour has gotten worse or changed to an extreme because you are pregnant and expect him to do stuff and wait on you hand and foot without actually talking to him and asking for help around his routine structure that support his neurological difficulties. 

Therapy isn’t going to help your husband, it’s not designed for autistic people. Even if your no longer in a relationship with your husband you still got to make reasonable adaptions for him. 

Lulu you are going about his all wrong, your other post has made it abundantly clear what the problem is, it’s you. 

a man without autism wouldn’t put up with your behaviour. Your husband is intelligent and he probably has realised what direction your heading in and knows that you are going to try and block custody to his child. so it’s not within his interest to continue with the mental gymnastics that you are deliberately creating. He probably what to see his child but the drama your causing is making it hard for him to regulate his emotions.

the unpredictable behavioural outbursts aren’t unpredictable, they are extremely predictable and you are actively unconsciously or consciously provoking the out bursts, just stop it.

the kitten thing is not okay, but like it or not you are trying to control and dictate to him what he should do. His video gaming is a decompression behaviour in moderation and your have harassed him to stop making his tolerance for stress and sensory bombardment to extremely low. 

you are pushing him and more than likely your behaviour has gotten worse or changed to an extreme because you are pregnant and expect him to do stuff and wait on you hand and foot without actually talking to him and asking for help around his routine structure that support his neurological difficulties. 

Therapy isn’t going to help your husband, it’s not designed for autistic people. Even if your no longer in a relationship with your husband you still got to make reasonable adaptions for him. 

Hi Blue

You have to remember that Lulu and her husband were both attracted to each other when they dated and got married.           He was probably suffering from extreme stress back then but he considered the 'risk' low enough to get involved.  

He's willingly thrown himself into the full NT lifestyle so he does owe some big explanations to the unsuspecting person he chose to have a relationship with.. 

NTs are NTs - they know their own game - he's tried faking being an NT and it's blown up in his face.

Blue, this is a very thoughtless response to a much larger problem. From my experience, it is typically the Middle Class and upper class who teach their children how to invest properly or at least what seems on the surface proper, to a partner. Some humans learn from self-help books, but society doesn't typically vomit out a Venus-like female, fully formed who can handle even voyeurism with eloquence and camp. 

Lulu, he is probably responding to the multiple posting on this site, and it may be that you haven't learned yet that a more mature approach to such a complicated situation in the future will involve you spending time, writing down your thoughts, identifying everything you are feeling and going though. Identifying your responsibilities as a wife and mother and putting everything in context. And THEN creating a few concise paragraphs which create the image of your husband you want others to have so that you can get the best responses possible.

Some of your threads paint him as a bit of a monster, and humans who, like myself, have been bullied and mis-judged by those who were supposed to understand and love us, will react negatively if you do not take great caution and care with the way you speak. Because from my standpoint, I have to go through an incredible amount of daily effort to communicate, effort which NTs don't or take for granted. I have to research and choose my words deliberately and repeat repeat repeat that I am not ignoring you or please be f**king direct... I cannot tell you how exhausting and frustrating it is in a society that normalises secret codes and uses words like weapons.

I can tell that you want to actively seek repair, but you need to focus on one element at a time and not appear like a victim to these males on here - As a woman, I can see what your trying to do, You're clearly panicked. Your heart is broken and you are desperate to try to resolve it. You will need to grow out of this Auto Response Mode into a more mature human and fast if you want your marriage to work. A quick fix is to learn your role and responsibility. Learn Boundaries in Marriage (I think there are books on this). Write down the Ethics of how to be Loving and the art of self-denial (in opposition to selfishness, not as a 'carpet' to be walked on). You will have to learn to be abruptly mindful when you feel 'offended', and make a conscious effort to recollect that that feeling of offence is based on a Very Myopic and Wrong perspective and not snap into a defensive mode, but learn the essential tool of ALWAYS responding with How Do You Mean.  As someone on the spectrum, I have a working list of Ethics to engage with everyday society to create an aesthetic which inspires rather than one which repels. Commit to hunting down and researching this. It will hurt the most emotionally. But you will grow past that hurt once your perspective shifts and you take on responsibilities of choosing to be a healthy and safe individual for others. If need be, find God or a higher power to take some of the weight off. This is where religion can be useful. 

This site is a good one for explaining life from an Autistic Perspective: https://autcollab.org/2018/04/09/autistic-cognition-decoded-for-earthlings/ From an autistic perspective, NTs create a society based on competition and it is very unethical. There is a standard of being that is Wise, Kind-natured, Disciplined who will be willing to engage in a healthy way with all neuro-types. x

Hi Blue,

First of all, if I was planning on stopping him seeing the baby, I wouldn't be on here asking for advice on the subject, I'm here asking so my mind could be put at rest that the outbursts won't happen when he takes the baby on his own. Had I decided he wouldn't be seeing the baby, why would I be on here bothering to ask for advice on this matter and advice to hopefully save our marriage? 

I'm a firm believer that it is the right of the child to see both parents, so please don't throw accusations you have no real basis for, it's not productive in the slightest. 

Secondly, I know that, amongst other things, I have been part of the problem, had I realised he was autistic prior to the breakdown of the marriage, I would have realised his behaviours were probably down to this and not taken it so personal. Again that is why I am here asking questions, so I can learn from those who know about it the best.

Thirdly, to suggest that I deliberately provoke him is just plain cruel, you have no idea of the extent of injuries and threats I have experienced when he has his meltdowns, there is no way on earth that I would deliberately cause this to happen. In fact I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time trying to avoid it. It even happens due to things completely out of my control, yet somehow I become the punch bag. So, again, please don't throw accusations presuming you know what is going on in my head, if you want to know then ask, I'd gladly tell you, but please don't just throw unhelpful accusations about something you know nothing about.