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Autism and sexual desire

I wondered wether there’s something in being on the autism spectrum and having reduced sexual desire-not come across anything in my reading yet so wondered what people’s experiences are? Oh and asking as a woman too. Thanks

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  • There is conflicting research in this area. Some studies suggest autistic men are more likely to experience enhanced sexual desire compared to neurotypical men (using frequency of masterbation as a proxy for libido) and that for women sexual desire is about the same as neurotypicals but less often translates into a desire for sex. 10.31887/DCNS.2017.19.4/dschoettle Other studies suggest autistic people have on average less sexual desire but are more likely to experience the extremes of high or low sexual desire than neurotypicals. 10.1371/journal.pone.0087961

    One study in particular suggests autistic men experience above neurotypical sexual desire and autistic women experience below neurotypical sexual desire 10.1007/s10803-019-04204-9 (behind a pay wall) However this study also reports that 44% of the autistic women in the study self identified as lesbian (much higher than the 1st study and higher than their neurotypical control). The mean age of participants was in the early 20s and recruitment was by internet adverts and ‘word of mouth.’ In short I’m not convinced their sample was representative.

    More generally I’m really wary of past attempts to characterise autistic people as asexual. It’s been used to infantilise autistic people before. It also creates problems for autistic people who are highly sexual. People may erroneously assert ‘well you’re too sexual to be autistic.’ Or say ’you can’t be autistic people you have a girlfriend / boyfriend or because you go around having casual sex.’ etc. Autistic people are hugely diverse and the one thing I think I can assert is we often tend to gravitate to extremes. So I find the 2nd studies finding that autistic people are more likely to be much more or much less interested in sex to be the one that rings truest to me and my personal experience.

  • I used to edit a magazine for alternative lifestyles - the thing I noticed with high-functioning auties and aspies is 'there are no limits'.    If you can think of it, and it's fun, and everyone enjoys the experience, then why not?    Lots of 'exploring the limits of sensation' stuff.

  • I beg to differ for this autie at least.

  • Wow!! your the 1st person who I have ever seen who has the same thoughts and feelings as myself. Sorry new to this group.

  • I went & listened to this...."Night people, funky-but NEAT." Very interesting....will check out this artist. Never have heard this before.

  • Ah yes, I suppose I do at least have the consolation that there will be regrets either way.  And maybe some will envy me my misspent youth.  :)   I do wish I could erase some memories though, largely of the things I can't believe I did and which, upon reflection, may have been a bizarre outcropping of an ill-fitting mask.   

  • Perhaps I'm even more of an anomaly than I thought

    I'm not convinced you are. There is a confirmation bias when dealing with autistic people that they are introverted and undersexed. People struggle to cope with the idea that you can be extroverted and desire social contact while not being very good at it or that you can want sex with out being very good at forming stable relationships. Of course there is something of a dichotomy of the sexes going on. I don't know if you've ever seen those youtube videos where they set up a hidden camera and have a young man or women go up and ask people if they want to have sex. Turns out about 1 in 100 women will say yes to a man who approaches them for casual sex but maybe 50% of men will say yes to a woman who approaches them for casual sex. I would say, for young women at least, good social skills are much less important for finding willing sexual partners.

    I suspect most young people have regrets regarding their relationships autistic and neurotypical. Although if it's an consolation coming for a very conservative background I can tell you a youth of abstinence and chastity also comes with some regrets, life is not necessarily greener on the other side.

  • Ah, I'm afraid I didn't have the substantial social relationship bit.  I was more like Saga in The Bridge, where she goes out "fishing" specifically because she wants sex.  Huge urges, need for connection, stimmy satisfaction and a release for my imagination.  Sometimes a substantial relationship developed from this but most often not.  In bed afterwards, once I felt calm and able to speak more freely, I could feel my "partner" shrinking away and thinking, "What have I done?  This woman is talking about German poetry and existentialism and I want out!"  

    Perhaps I'm even more of an anomaly than I thought but I think it also has to do with an (underdeveloped?) knowledge of social norms, naivety and ignorance of possible dangers?  It all allowed me to become extremely vulnerable whilst feeling (masking) confidence and elation, which I think does link in with being autistic.        

  • My early sex life was much the same. It is something I used as a bit of a superficial way to seek connection with people but obviously you need more than just sex for that. I've learned that now but to be honest I don't feel particularly connected to my husband on an emotional level most of the time. We just tolerate each other well!!! It works for us though. 

  • Sex generally evolves from a substantial social relationships/events with other people over a decent amount of time in most cases,  and autistic people have severe difficulties with this so most realistically autistic people will not be having a lot of sex. If someone claims that they are going about sleeping with this person and that person etc doing all these wild things they have to have been very skilled socially (even if you throw in some basic stuff about women what the alpha etc (thats another point, how many autistic men are going to be an alpha? I mean really?)  to try and explain it away) to get those experiences and that contradicts one of the core natures of autistic people. 

    Autism in women is much much less well defined and understood and women (check the history, the research historially is much much more developed and targeted towards males) generally are more experienced in sex as men want women much much more than women want men (most likely with neurotypical men who are capable of the social skill needed, or they are just so god dam sexy any red blooded woman can't help but throw their selves at the alpha and the omega :) we are all just animals at base ;)  , this might be true in some cases but that won't be an autistic male) attempting to associate some sort of liberal sexual trait to autism especially from a female autistic perspective is just pseudoscience and is really unhelpful and logically is just nonsense and inconsistent with the well established other traits in autistic people. 

  • Well, one of the things that came up in my own autism assessment was that, in my late teens, early 20s, I actually found it easier to have sex with someone than to talk to them!  Of course, I did have to talk to them first, but this was helped along with frisium and alcohol.  Moreover, I think I needed and used sex as the ultimate stim!  It was sensory-seeking rather than avoiding. 

    I could say more but had better refrain from giving too much detail.  However, I do think this information, along with the detail, helped towards my eventual diagnosis rather than working against it.  Believe it!  :)   

  • Latex? Pvc? Leather? 

  • damn shes good, well done Nigella  Reel them in.

  • I relate to this alot. I hear the common categories are asexual, bi, poly for many on the spectrum according to Sarah Hendricks (great spokesperson for Natl Autistic Society)...she's got a great video on Youtube.

    Do you feel like pressure/stress in your life affects this? I know I do. Or maybe you can be intimate, but your needs for this are very minimal to be happy? Maybe intimacy makes you uncomfortable/smothered? My intimacy needs/wants change & I wonder if just like going mute/shutdown...there are people who just go 'asexual' for a little while. 

  • 'Night People' by John Cooper Clarke.

  • Also few people say, go to an orgy, say 'lets bang.' and start having sex with a total stranger.

    That's really not how it works Smiley    I know a few people who have tried to arrange them and it's difficult to get men to turn up - and to perform in front of each other..

    I don't really want to push the boundaries of this website's rules - but the swinging scene is rather middle-class - very civilised - very safe - if you're into that sort of thing.  Smiley

    There's lots of ways to get around touch or skin sensitivity - which is a whole subject in itself - and probably too frank for this forum.  Smiley

  • It's posable to feel overwhelmed by something and not hate it. Not all autistic people are super touch sensitive and even for those who are there is good and bad touch. As for conversation I quite enjoy meeting new people, sure it makes me very anxious sometimes but when it goes right the pay off is worth it. It's all about context and control. Also few people say, go to an orgy, say 'lets bang.' and start having sex with a total stranger. Even if you were to pick some one up in a bar you'd get to know them a little first, establish a degree of rapour.

    There can be a big difference between going in for a polite handshake then they pull you in for a hug with someone you've just met and with some one you've been talking to for half an hour. I guess what I'm saying is sometimes people click.

  • Her whole shtick is an act - it's what gets her on tv and sells her books   

    Toyah is doing a similar thing right now - brilliantly - Sunday's song was Ace Of Spades - while she dances in the kitchen dressed as a French maid.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4WYG26xZ_w

    Sex sells - it's incredibly easy to get headlines and generate clicks for income.     

    Anyone remember Sue Wilkinson's "You Gotta Be a Hustler If You Want To Get On"?   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT0T6ErJEJU   it pretty much describes the internet generation.  Smiley

  • I met her in person at a book signing and she didn't say anything sexy so I'd guess it is definitely deliberate. 

  • i can never work out if Nigella is doing that deliberately or not

  • I have had a very varied sex life but it is more intimacy that I struggle to deal with. I can't really be loving. I can act sexy and alluring as that is more theatrical anyway - nobody is constantly sexual, not even Nigella Lawson - but intimacy requires a genuine type of feeling hat I think is unreachable for me. I can try but I feel uncomfortable very quickly. 

    I'm probably a really frustrating wife!!! 

  • It's very rarely running around naked and sleeping with anything that moves..  Smiley

    Quite a lot explore the bdsm scene - it's all about control and perfection and protocol.  

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