Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone,
I'm not really sure where to go for some help and feel like I am at a cross roads. I apologises now if I fumble with terminology, no offense is meant.
My partner and I are pretty much certain he has autism and associated conditions. We have been together for 2 years and it's been a real rollercoaster.
I love him so so very much and try to adapt to make things easier for him - do things in a certain way, get to know his triggers - yet one little thing, remark or action, and suddenly everything comes crashing down.
I need to have a proper chat with him, explain that I understand how hard navigating through day to day life must be for him, but also try to explain how he makes me feel and how I am trying my best to cope and understand him better. But I know feelings are hard for him to understand.
As I say, I love him so much that it really hurts when this breakdown in our relationship happens. It's hard, like when he says he doesn't feel love for me but 'knows' he loves me or when he can't read my emotions and I have to ask for a hug when I would hope he'd give one spontaneously, or if I want to give him a hug and he shrugs away or stiffens up. When I get stressed he can't sympathise and says I'm overreacting, but the smallest of things will stress him and leave him exhausted. I know this is a symptom and he does get burn out, but then I also think 'what about me'. If I have a bad day he finds it hard to empathise - I'd have to ask for a cuddle. He'll totally oblige, don't get me wrong, and I know he loves me, but things don't come naturally. I take it personally and each day get better at coping with it but, as I say, sometimes it still hurts.
I need to be able to tell him how I feel and how we can work through this, but I don't know how without making things worse. I don't want us to break up but I am really struggling. I don't think I am a selfish person, I just want to work through things together, understand him better and help him understand me and make things as good as they can be for him. He is such a wonderful person and I see how he struggles with things too - emotions, social ques, feelings, he agreed to get a dog because I wanted one and on a daily basis he struggles because it sheds hair, slobbers, chews toys...but then his constant calls of 'dog stop it' grate on me. Why did he agree to get a dog in the first place?!
I am loud, laid back, emotional, love hugs and I know this must be a struggle for him. He obsesses over things and I try to help put plans in place to make things easier, but I'm a procrastinator which I see he struggles with, too.
I am trying consciously to be more aware of his triggers and make things easier for him. All I want is for us to be happy but I don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading this.
You're looking for a version of a partner that is not who he is. You would like a partner who gives you spontaneous hugs, and hugs that are mutually enjoyable for the both of you, who can read your emotions and feel and sympathize with you, and who enjoys having a pet around. You do try to understand him and accomodate things for him, but it seems like you are still missing something and feel unfulfilled, and it's a burden for him to find out what that is, because what you want is not what he's comfortable with providing you, although he tries (such as hugs and getting the dog). I'm not going to tell you what would be right for you, but I know that you'll decide what's right for yourself.