Exquisite Terrible Paradox

Hi,

 

I have autism.

 

I do not have that diagnosis, or any therapist or anyone telling me that.

 

I have been hiding in denial for 20 years, even through therapy and psychiatry.

 

My professional career - now burned - had scientific rigour, heuristics, formal logic and systems analysis at it's core.

 

My self doubt drives fascinations with cognitive biases, metaphor and irony. My love of words is exquisite.

 

I cannot - try as I might, with absolute fervour - dispute the hypothesis that I have autism.

 

I am delighted, terrified, filled with self doubt, totally free and holding my breath all at the same time.

 

I can chill out. I have the strategies. I keep [expletive] forgetting them or ignoring them.

 

I have the strongest, weakest mind ever. Which is to say, I'm normal, I have autism.

 

I am desperate for someone to look me in the face and tell me it's true and it's ok.

 

Thanks for /rant.

  • Which is to say, I'm normal, I have autism

    Hmmmmm.... I like it!   A paradox indeed.

    Hope you feel better for the rant.

    Ben

  • Your "I am delighted, terrified, filled with self doubt, totally free and holding my breath all at the same time." Really resonated with me.

  • what are your IT skills ?  

  • I was a (senior etc) database administrator - ms sql server, very large implementations super high availability etc etc - all the cool the stuff, as far as i'm conerned! previous to that I did a lot of business system integration work

    however - it may have been a mistake to go into IT,  or at least, I wasn't careful enough to keep it as a passion and a 'cold, rigorous profession' simultaneously. not sure if that makes sense...

  • do you have an interest in IT?

  • Sorry - just read your bio.
    I burned out of work a couple of years ago. And now unblocked my passion for: my dog, daoism, non-dualism, consciousness science - and set a focus on nature and the environment. (Among many other other things)
    The more people I 'meet' here the more uncanny it gets.

  • i have watched scores of hours of videos on non-dualism. I found it made sense/ didnt make sense at same time. On advice of Zen Masters I dropped back to standard meditation , living mindfulness, as trying to go direct to Non-dualism was too much for me ( just right now )..  I still do an full awareness meditation occasionally which  I picked up from Alan Watts.

    I also have read quite a bit of The Way, The Tao/Dao which is great stuff to be honest. 

    I am a mad environmentalist so planting trees makes me feel great Slight smile

    My interest in IT is to have a Job I can do. I am a software tester I manually test software 7-8 hours everyday. Its starting to lose its shine. I find IT people do things not based on evidence but on Fashions eg we use the Agile Methodology because other people use it.

    The developers I work with are very good at their job and work very hard, they really earn their money in my eyes. We have been working flat out during the Pandemic rushing out new software ASAP. I am very pleased we are all Working From Home which makes things harder and easier at same time Slight smile

    You would have no problem getting more work --- there is a very big move to BI reports ( microsoft )  which managers seem to love and maybe that would interest you.

    If I won the lottery tomorrow I would buy 10,000 acres and start planting trees/ creating wildlife areas Slight smile

    I could spent the rest of my life looking after my forest/bog/lake river etc that would make me really happy.

    we can all dream Slight smile

  • Oh a great book, I have it on bookmark for listening now and again.

    LINK to Tau Te Ching - www.youtube.com/watch

  • Thank you, I am giving it a listen.