Exquisite Terrible Paradox

Hi,

I have autism.

I do not have that diagnosis, or any therapist or anyone telling me that.

I have been hiding in denial for 20 years, even through therapy and psychiatry.

My professional career - now burned - had scientific rigour, heuristics, formal logic and systems analysis at it's core.

My self doubt drives fascinations with cognitive biases, metaphor and irony. My love of words is exquisite.

I cannot - try as I might, with absolute fervour - dispute the hypothesis that I have autism.

I am delighted, terrified, filled with self doubt, totally free and holding my breath all at the same time.

I can chill out. I have the strategies. I keep [expletive] forgetting them or ignoring them.

I have the strongest, weakest mind ever. Which is to say, I'm normal, I have autism.

I am desperate for someone to look me in the face and tell me it's true and it's ok.

Thanks for /rant.