How often are people here NOT autistic?

Deepthought

Sorry for the delayed response your message. I am having some functional issues with the website which are making it difficult to use both on my phone and laptop. 

You are very right - I am not seeking to intentionally mislead anyone so I should not worry about this. I had not thought of it that way, and you are also right that whatever the outcome, the anxiety that I experience is disabling in its own right, whatever the cause of it that there may be. 

The idea of 'dropping the mask' is something I think I need to really take in and put into practice. I think the masking and mirroring is really the reason why I feel so fraudulent to begin with. It is overwhelming to discover autism may be the reason life has been the way it is and then get to work reframing different events and aspects of yourself. I feel fake because now I am seeing myself differently, and it concerns me that I could do all that work reframing things to make more sense, and if not diagnosed then that sense of understanding could be lost again. I've never understood myself better than I feel I do right now, when I am able to see myself as an autistic woman. I feel that whilst I am anxious to share this newfound part of myself with others, I also feel strongly like it should be a key part of my identity and not something I should hide. 

I haven't had my meeting with my supervisor yet as it was rearranged for Wednesday. I still plan on disclosing to her that I am waiting for assessment. My main worry is that she will respond as I know many people do, with 'oh I think we are all a bit autistic' or something like that to minimise how huge an issue this moment will be for me. For me I don't feel a little bit autistic. I feel disabled by the world around me as a result of my difficulties with fitting in and following expectations. It dominates my life to feel the way I feel. I'm not sure I'd be able to explain that without getting emotional though. 

M said:

Sorry for the delayed response your message. I am having some functional issues with the website which are making it difficult to use both on my phone and laptop. 

M

Apologies for my delayed response to your message also. I’ve been having mind fragmentation issues due to more immersive stress induced seizures of late, which have been making things difficult to recall and put into words and all that.

M said:

You are very right - I am not seeking to intentionally mislead anyone so I should not worry about this. I had not thought of it that way, and you are also right that whatever the outcome, the anxiety that I experience is disabling in its own right, whatever the cause of it that there may be. 

Well in respect of autism anxiety is a functional principle, as also involves social anxiety due to a considerable lack of facilitation, identification and affirmation regarding our individual identities and capacities ~ with more usually a considerable social tendency for excessive negations to make it just so.

M said:

The idea of 'dropping the mask' is something I think I need to really take in and put into practice.

I highly recommend that you by far more contemplate in what ways you are masking rather than so much attempting not to mask. Discover who you are under all those protective veils before revealing your true self to others, especially considering how damaged we can be underneath all those protective layers. Drop the veils very slowly and very carefully one by one, as being on the autistic spectrum limits our ability to cope with change, so make an effort to take things very slowly and thereby advance much more quickly over time.

M said:

I think the masking and mirroring is really the reason why I feel so fraudulent to begin with.

That will in part be the case, but only in part, as the majority of the reason is not being like the vast majority of other people who are somewhat similar in their orientations and objectives. Keep in mind that despite individuality being a result of evolutionary design, it is still largely considered a social crime to be particularly unique.

M said:

It is overwhelming to discover autism may be the reason life has been the way it is and then get to work reframing different events and aspects of yourself.

Hence the strong suggestion to take things very slowly and very carefully, so that you do not overload yourself any more than you can already handle ~ as an overwhelmed person already.

M said:

I feel fake because now I am seeing myself differently, and it concerns me that I could do all that work reframing things to make more sense, and if not diagnosed then that sense of understanding could be lost again.

It is not fake to have protected your individuality with a social pretence that is in fact expected in society ~  respect this as a means by which you can be truer to yourself more accordingly now, little by little, bit by bit, and nothing will be missed or lost, only ever gained. The process of evolution is after all only ever a developing summation, as embodies as much you as it dose everything else in the universe.

M said:

I've never understood myself better than I feel I do right now, when I am able to see myself as an autistic woman. I feel that whilst I am anxious to share this newfound part of myself with others, I also feel strongly like it should be a key part of my identity and not something I should hide. 

Obviously I can only suggest that for the time being resist the ‘anxious’ drive to share your newly ‘defined’ identity with others. Learn to feel more comfortable with the indefatigable mystery that is the beauty of you ~ and learn by which to recognise and become more familiar with the characteristically embodied traits of you. 

M said:

I haven't had my meeting with my supervisor yet as it was rearranged for Wednesday. I still plan on disclosing to her that I am waiting for assessment. My main worry is that she will respond as I know many people do, with 'oh I think we are all a bit autistic' or something like that to minimise how huge an issue this moment will be for me.

Well many people are in fact a little bit autistic in having specific interests and a preference for similarity and routine, but they only really have a true psychological sense of being autistic when they have been considerably frightened and experienced the freeze, flight, hide or fight survival reflex, either partially or wholly.

Stomach upsets, rashes, burns, scolds, migraines, hangovers and feeling ill and exhausted can give temporary simulations of what it can be like permanently for some people on the spectrum also, regarding physiological hypersensitivities ~ which are along with the aforementioned the sort of things I generally mention to people once I have agreed with them that we are all ‘at least’ a little bit autistic, which has gone pretty well with everyone as such having been quite interested so far ~ with follow up questions too!

M said:

For me I don't feel a little bit autistic. I feel disabled by the world around me as a result of my difficulties with fitting in and following expectations. It dominates my life to feel the way I feel. I'm not sure I'd be able to explain that without getting emotional though. 

Hence my suggestion to take things slowly as it will allow you to better come to terms with your feelings and emotions, and the issues involving them in a more balanced and comfortable way.

Another thing I would suggest is to consider that although you may very well be autistic, it may be that you do not quite have the full diagnostic quota of autistic traits to be diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Keeping both these considerations equally and calmly in mind ~ can provide one with a more balanced and progressive mindset regarding the outcome of the assessment, and the diagnoses if it is confirmed.

The fifty~fifty approach can help with the psychological hangover and adjustment period that follows, which seems to last about four years or so when it comes to having been diagnosed ~ recalling of course the expressions that 'there are different strokes for different folks' and 'your mileage may vary' and all that.

Physical symptoms are very much a driver in me seeking more support. I get constant unbearable heartburn for weeks and weeks at a time. Very little helps in terms of heartburn remedies, the only thing that eases it is withdrawal from the world. Even then it can come back immediately the moment I emerge. I've had heartburn the past few weeks and it makes me miserable. It used to be that I got diarrhoea instead but these days it is heartburn. I never thought I'd miss diarrhoea but at least there was intermittent relief from that. Heartburn is constant.

Physical symptoms are very much a driver in me seeking more support. I get constant unbearable heartburn for weeks and weeks at a time. Very little helps in terms of heartburn remedies, the only thing that eases it is withdrawal from the world. Even then it can come back immediately the moment I emerge. I've had heartburn the past few weeks and it makes me miserable. It used to be that I got diarrhoea instead but these days it is heartburn. I never thought I'd miss diarrhoea but at least there was intermittent relief from that. Heartburn is constant.

I have so many things in my personal "in tray" to do! And things I keep on pushing back to another time. 

M said:

I'm through it. 

Yikes!

M said:

I presume we can't fully medicate our problems away though if they are related to autism, given that it isn't something that can be cured.

Managing one's condition, routine and medication effectively is for some quite doable, with problems only resulting when things get particularly stressful, as they generally do of course from time to time in every person's life regardless of whether they are Autistic or not.

The thing with getting consistent unbearable heartburn for weeks on end due to anxiety though whilst being on Omeprazole and a double dose of Fluoxetine ~ that is next level detrimental, so get your GP fully appraised of this at the earliest opportunity ~ which is what the NHS 111 service advised me to inform you to do.

M said:

Is anxiety something that will be a permanent feature of my life if I am autistic?

It need not be, although it is of course a corresponding feature in relation to particular aspects of life ~ hence the importance of effectively managing the particularities of your neurophysiological condition, your living and working routines, and your medication requirements ~ whether you are Autistic, or not,

One thing I would get started with is to learn to breath naturally as if your lungs are in your pelvis and the soles of your feet are your nostrils, using your pelvis to draw air in and push it out as if so doing was sucking and rooting your feet to the floor.

It helps to do this when you are calm and relaxed, and to start with one or two inhalations and exhalations a day and work up to more on a weekly, fortnightly or monthly basis.

Most people are actually quite anxious ~ because they are breathing diaphragmatically rather than pelvically, and only as such gain 40% of their oxygen requirement. Deep pelvic breathing reduces anxiety massively, and it has made a major improvement in my quality of life.

Anxiety no longer rules my day to day living and I manage it now, as in the sense of it being a minor part of my life rather than the major bane of which.

I can overload myself and then have too many ideas that I don't end up doing any of them. Sounds like you could be similar?! 

That's something I've been wondering myself. I am on various meds to help with my mental health and it's still anxiety that I have problems with. I have been starting to work on the things recommended on this site for anxiety. I am going to give CBT a try, but with the adjustment of doing things to count energy levels and pace myself. I'm doing lots of reading at the moment, to try and help - but finding it hard going working out what to try.

I'm through it. 

I presume we can't fully medicate our problems away though if they are related to autism, given that it isn't something that can be cured. Is anxiety something that will be a permanent feature of my life if I am autistic?

M said:

I actually started with sertraline but it intensified my anxiety and teeth clenching, especially when my dose increased, so I had to switch medication. It made me feel like I was worse rather than better.