Relationship Troubles

Awww, thanks, Mac!

Hi Elizabeth. 

I'm glad that my post has touched you, I agree with everything that you say and 100% with you on it 

Thanks for sharing that, Jade. I’m glad you guys are able to work on things, but I know that can be tough.

I hope things go alright for you as you are waiting for the results of your assessment. For what it’s worth, the more that I talk to people the more it seems that if they take a variety of the online autism tests and do reading related to autism and recognize themselves, they are highly likely to receive a diagnosis of autism. The assessment process features a great deal at the exact same questions that are found in those online tests, for example.

For what it’s worth, some advice I would share regarding going through the assessment process is to be extremely honest in answering all questions, regardless of how “bad“ or “cold“ or “messed up“ you might think it makes you appear.

I found that I answered the test questions and replied to the interview questions in ways I would not have done even one month prior, because I had realized ahead of time that I would need to be extraordinarily honest with myself and with my clinician about my true feelings and my true preferred behaviours, when I wasn’t masking and camouflaging.

My impression in talking to my psychologist is that, especially for women, it’s common to go into the assessment process and minimize or even omit mentioning their true feelings and behaviours. By not doing that, I was able to emerge from the assessment process with the feeling that the result reflected who I am – not who I have worked over two decades to appear to be.

I hope you’ll keep us posted about how things go when you’re being assessed, should you be so inclined.

Elisabeth

Hi, Mac:

Thank you so much for what you said, there. Your post really touched my heart and yes, we are all in this together. 

What you said didn’t sound mean at all. It sounded self-confident and wise. I agree that if someone has a problem with our disabilitIes, then we are wise to just move on and wish them well in our minds as we pursue relationships with those who love us and understand us. Positive people lift us up.

I have learned that if being around someone causes me to feel down, or even to have a small knot in my stomach, I am better off without them in my life. I have learned to gently disengage from people like that in a way that permits them to save face and often just think that I am the person who’s weird, so to speak, and that’s fine with me.

Meanwhile, I often observe or hear later on that they treat the other people in their lives the same way or worse than they treated me. Negativity was their fall-back pattern, and therefore unlikely to change.

Elizabeth 

No one is alone. We are all in this together, If someone has a problem with my disabilities and conditions. I just don't talk to them, I know that sounds mean, But it's better to have those kinds of people out of your life in my case, It's better to have positive people in your life. 

ive been arguing with my boyfriend pretty much every weekend for a good few months, and i nearly ended things because of it. he just doesn’t understand, and last week i tried to call the assessment place i’ve been referred to, and was told i could be waiting another year, and he didn’t understand how important for my mental health this assessment is. living in confusion is hard and he’s just not getting it which frustrates me a lot, but we’re working through it, i just hope he keeps open minded for me. so yeah, i completely understand where you’re coming from, i hope you’re okay x

Thankyou that’s nice of you to say and thanks for sharing this too makes me feel less alone knowing that I hope one day someone out there will accept my condition for now I’m just trying to think about what’s best for me and work on myself maybe then in future I can cross that bridge when it comes to it me and my ex still talk but it so difficult for us both right now 

I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship, I was in the same boot, With one of my ex-girlfriends, Who found it hard to accept my condition and learning disabilities. It was a shock to me, But there are people out there who will accept us for whoo we are and the conditions that we have. 

Thanks Elizabeth, really interesting to read about your experiences and to hear that you have found an approach that works for you! I get the thing about it taking a while to be able to tell what works for you and what doesn't, and how to 'screen' people, and to figure out and communicate our needs :)

I've had my unfortunate share of psychologically and physically abusive relationships, and from both meeting in  'real life situations' and online dating, but if anything I've found online dating more difficult because I find it hard to understand people's motives and trust them, and i know they're probably talking to another ton of women and are dating multiple people at the same time (at least that's quite common in London), so I prefer the 'old school' way of meeting people where I get an immediate sense of someone, even though that only happens once every few years and then it's hard to get from awkward interaction to actual relationship :D So I'm very happy I met my current partner and we've helped each other loads figuring ourselves out gradually.

Thanks for reading and all the best with dating / or not dating :)

Hi, Y:

I want to send you support and validate that yes, what you’re saying is something that a lot of us have experienced. I agree with and relate to much of what Ellicia said - this is a “Yes,” to her insightful thoughts. 

I have had four serious relationships of 4 to 5 years length each. I’m currently single and have been for the last two years, and I am online dating. Side note: Who knew that video dates could actually be fairly okay?

This may not be something to which you relate at all, but my issue, since I was in my early 20s and began the first of those four relationships, was that I chose partners poorly. I was, though this is not the case for me now, almost blind to glaring red flags that I should have noticed and acted upon usually within the first month of dating someone. Things like being openly dismissive of their own mothers, or mentioning to me that they had cheated on a past partner, or having sustained an absurdly lengthy court conflict with an ex-partner over custody of their children. As I crafted that last sentence I just felt the biggest eye roll feeling ever. I cannot even believe I dated those guys, never mind stayed with him as long as I did.

Now I would never go near a man who disclosed those things  to me. But in each of those cases the men told me they regretted what they had done and would never do them again and I naïvely believe them. Lesson learned. Four times over. 

In any event, I know we all have our particular challenges when we are in the dating world, but I just wanted to validate that navigating the world of relationships with Autism can be really tricky, whether we have difficulty expressing ourselves or need what our partners deem to be excessive amounts of alone time, or are pretty socially naïve and choose partners poorly. 

I’ve actually concluded that my best partner would be, in addition to a very kind and loving and faithful and morally upright person, either someone who is also on the spectrum or an extremely understanding neurotypical person.

Although I don’t disclose my Autism in my online dating profile, nor do I discuss it when I am getting to know someone or dating them (pre-full on relationship), I have crafted my online dating profile to openly say that I am “really introverted” and “really love being at home, a lot”, and that I would likely be best suited to a partner who is also really introverted or an extremely understanding extrovert.

I figure that online dating entry is probably a fairly effective screen, dissuading men who might otherwise contact me but catch themselves because they don’t believe they fit my expressed parameters. Yay for screening!

Anyway, thanks for reading all of this, Y, and I am sending you a tonne of support and care and I know you will meet someone who will value and appreciate you for the great person you are.  My one piece of advice is to continue being yourself and always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone, including within the first online messages, hour, or (video during COVID times) date. 

Elizabeth

Funny enough what you’ve explain there is the opposite for me I’m the one who needs the resolution sometimes and my ex was the one who needed shut off points more and I sometimes do the shutdown and have to have space myself I have different moods on different days atm though I’m going through emotional numbness which is not nice as it’s not got so bad before hoping I’ll feel like myself soon but yeah I don’t seem to do too bad by myself it’s just sad that my problems pulled us apart and I don’t feel he ever really understood I think in future to be with a person like myself maybe would be better for me but for now I am focusing on working through my struggles 

Hi Ellicia, I can empathise, I've probably been more single than in relationships and got to the point in my Thirties where I found being on my own and living my life far more enjoyable as I could just live on my own terms and rules - I think I was single for about 5 years.

I'm with someone now (for the past 2 years) who is also on the spectrum and has ADHD so we've not had a straightforward ride, and I've also struggled with emotional shutdowns and needing my own space and time to figure out what the hell I was feeling and how to communicate it, whereas he needs immediate communication and resolution. We've lived together throughout covid which has been nice (not to be completely isolated) but also challenging as I need regular 'laying in a dark room in silence' breaks and just uninterrupted space and time for myself, whereas my partner prefers to be constantly on, listening to stuff or watching stuff (or both at the same time lol) - I think the thing that helps is that we both have an experience of how our minds work differently from others (and each others), so it's helped with the understanding part of things. I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably only ever function with someone who is also on the spectrum who has experienced how differently they function and how hard it is for anyone who hasn't to understand your behaviours... and part of me still thinks that even if I was alone again I'd function very well.

Thankyou for your message actually it does help just hearing someone talk about the same feelings I’ve had it helps to know I’m not alone yes and it’s just hard maintaining a relationship as I also need to learn more about myself it’s quite a complex condition and hard to explain how it feels to others there so much going through your mind all at once and can lead to a shutdown just currently processing the whole thing as it’s someone I was very in love with and close to but I guess it’s better to try and work on myself for now 

Thankyou that’s kind to say I’m working through it slowly but I’ll gain my confidence back in time it’s a rubbish process going through breakups especially for us autistic adults as we split up over pretty much a lot of the emotional problems involved with autism 

Yeah it can frustrating knowing how to get out of a shutdown mode music sometimes helps or artwork to relax me when stressed out what helps you do you find? 

I've always had difficulty starting, let alone keeping one. Yes, I think a lack of understanding on the part of others plays a role, especially when I've gone most of my life without understanding it myself. I don't really know what to say to try to help, especially since I haven't figured it out for myself, but if it helps, you're not alone in it.

u will have no problem finding a new squeeze.  

Yes definitely I’ve have times when I can’t describe how I’m feeling or how to process things.

Thankyou for your kind words I’m sorry to hear you haven’t had any real relationships up to this point I find it hard maintaining them it does help to talk atm I’m currently struggling to process the feelings I’m having and as a consequence just shut down emotionally very numb I don’t know if you’ve ever had this yourself it’s difficult for others to understand the way I process things 

hello ellicia sorry to hear about your relationship not working out if you want to feel better I’m 35 and I’ve never had any real relationship with anyone so you’re ahead of me