Relationship Troubles

Hi, Y:

I want to send you support and validate that yes, what you’re saying is something that a lot of us have experienced. I agree with and relate to much of what Ellicia said - this is a “Yes,” to her insightful thoughts. 

I have had four serious relationships of 4 to 5 years length each. I’m currently single and have been for the last two years, and I am online dating. Side note: Who knew that video dates could actually be fairly okay?

This may not be something to which you relate at all, but my issue, since I was in my early 20s and began the first of those four relationships, was that I chose partners poorly. I was, though this is not the case for me now, almost blind to glaring red flags that I should have noticed and acted upon usually within the first month of dating someone. Things like being openly dismissive of their own mothers, or mentioning to me that they had cheated on a past partner, or having sustained an absurdly lengthy court conflict with an ex-partner over custody of their children. As I crafted that last sentence I just felt the biggest eye roll feeling ever. I cannot even believe I dated those guys, never mind stayed with him as long as I did.

Now I would never go near a man who disclosed those things  to me. But in each of those cases the men told me they regretted what they had done and would never do them again and I naïvely believe them. Lesson learned. Four times over. 

In any event, I know we all have our particular challenges when we are in the dating world, but I just wanted to validate that navigating the world of relationships with Autism can be really tricky, whether we have difficulty expressing ourselves or need what our partners deem to be excessive amounts of alone time, or are pretty socially naïve and choose partners poorly. 

I’ve actually concluded that my best partner would be, in addition to a very kind and loving and faithful and morally upright person, either someone who is also on the spectrum or an extremely understanding neurotypical person.

Although I don’t disclose my Autism in my online dating profile, nor do I discuss it when I am getting to know someone or dating them (pre-full on relationship), I have crafted my online dating profile to openly say that I am “really introverted” and “really love being at home, a lot”, and that I would likely be best suited to a partner who is also really introverted or an extremely understanding extrovert.

I figure that online dating entry is probably a fairly effective screen, dissuading men who might otherwise contact me but catch themselves because they don’t believe they fit my expressed parameters. Yay for screening!

Anyway, thanks for reading all of this, Y, and I am sending you a tonne of support and care and I know you will meet someone who will value and appreciate you for the great person you are.  My one piece of advice is to continue being yourself and always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone, including within the first online messages, hour, or (video during COVID times) date. 

Elizabeth

Thanks Elizabeth, really interesting to read about your experiences and to hear that you have found an approach that works for you! I get the thing about it taking a while to be able to tell what works for you and what doesn't, and how to 'screen' people, and to figure out and communicate our needs :)

I've had my unfortunate share of psychologically and physically abusive relationships, and from both meeting in  'real life situations' and online dating, but if anything I've found online dating more difficult because I find it hard to understand people's motives and trust them, and i know they're probably talking to another ton of women and are dating multiple people at the same time (at least that's quite common in London), so I prefer the 'old school' way of meeting people where I get an immediate sense of someone, even though that only happens once every few years and then it's hard to get from awkward interaction to actual relationship :D So I'm very happy I met my current partner and we've helped each other loads figuring ourselves out gradually.

Thanks for reading and all the best with dating / or not dating :)

Thanks Elizabeth, really interesting to read about your experiences and to hear that you have found an approach that works for you! I get the thing about it taking a while to be able to tell what works for you and what doesn't, and how to 'screen' people, and to figure out and communicate our needs :)

I've had my unfortunate share of psychologically and physically abusive relationships, and from both meeting in  'real life situations' and online dating, but if anything I've found online dating more difficult because I find it hard to understand people's motives and trust them, and i know they're probably talking to another ton of women and are dating multiple people at the same time (at least that's quite common in London), so I prefer the 'old school' way of meeting people where I get an immediate sense of someone, even though that only happens once every few years and then it's hard to get from awkward interaction to actual relationship :D So I'm very happy I met my current partner and we've helped each other loads figuring ourselves out gradually.

Thanks for reading and all the best with dating / or not dating :)