Told a few people that I spoke to my GP

Hi Michelle,

I think I've rambled a bit.. but I thought I'd share my thoughts. 

I think some of the online tests are based (or reproductions of) the AQ10 https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg142/resources/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq10-test-143968 which is how I self-screened. I scored enough to get the confidence to have a discussion with my GP and explore options to have work support me with an assessment.

I was really wobbly about attending-  I remember going to a walk in the woods near my house, standing alone on a bridge overlooking a stream wondering what on earth it was, I was doing. I remember thinking that perhaps I was conning everyone (talk about imposter syndrome!!), that whatever it was I was struggling with, it's because I wasn't trying hard enough. I decided then that whatever happened I would "trust the process" - which I think meant I was handing it over for providence / fate / sheer chance / accepting consequences.

Then I decided whichever way it went I could scratch if off my list. If it was - great, access to resources, perspectives and things I hadn't considered before. If not, then I'm no worse off (I'm may not be better off but at least I would know).

When I was diagnosed it was odd - I think I spent some time actually resisting the diagnosis as some of the recommendations didn't make sense. Then the more I read of other people's experiences the more I realised "that's me" - they had the same questions, similar struggles and strategies that started to make sense. I'm still coming to terms with the fact the experience is unique (I had a good laugh with a work colleague of mine that sadly I was rubbish at counting cards and I'm no Dustin Hoffman, but I was very good at making lists for things and getting annoyed at people for not telling me things in advance of meetings!)

I've also had occasions where NT's have told me that "x is the same for them". I think it's a way of trying to connect - the experience may be the same. It's the impact and the processing which is different. A recent conversation about a difficulty at work (both me and my manager had some work we'd been doing kyboshed) highlighted this - my manager was "what is X doing, who do they think they are" - the whole thing was about relationships and social positioning. They took it as someone trying to boost their credibility at our expense. I was approaching the system "why did Y happen, what information did they use? why has it been communicated this way? did they not understand something?". I took it to be a decision based on faulty reasoning. Which is why when my manager had finished ranting she could still make an evening meal and mind the kids and I went into a full blown meltdown that evening for about 10 hours because I was trying to look for information that simply wasn't there and needed half a day to recover (we swapped notes the following day!)

Please stay the course. It's tempting to listen to those around you and allow them to influence your decision- everyone likes to be an expert - or at least think they're reasonably well informed about everything and I include myself in that category. I was told there was nothing wrong with me for years (thanks family!), that I just needed a kick up the backside (extended family), that I needed to trust god more (church), that I shouldn't worry so much and enjoy life (friends, when I used to hang around them), just get on with it (family again), I needed to get some more interests / make more friends - the list goes on. And each and every one of my Job's comforter's was wrong. 

I found the psychologist was right. Because their strategies work. I don't particularly like having a coloured mood chart on my desk that I check-in with just to put a name to whatever it is I'm feeling - but it works. I really don't like to have to build in buffer time between work tasks, or having to have things explained in a way just for me so it's clear and I can get a handle on it (I really wish I was better equipped to follow meetings and lively conversations), or have a list of scripts to eject myself from situations - or even sometimes just to consciously think about what I'm doing and have my phone bleep to remind me to stop and check in with myself because I can get caught up in busyness and chasing ideas like dogs chase cars losing time and focus. I'm learning to accept I have to do these things because to have a better quality of life I have to do these things. 

Whatever "normal" for someone else is I've finally accepted I'll never be that. But now I can allow myself to breathe - I can be my "normal" which is what I'd been fighting against for years. It's not good to be at war against yourself. 

Are you right/wrong? Only the assessment will point in right direction. Whichever way it goes - you'll know something you didn't know before and can move forward. 

Wishing you the very best of luck!

Hi Michelle,

I think I've rambled a bit.. but I thought I'd share my thoughts. 

I think some of the online tests are based (or reproductions of) the AQ10 https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg142/resources/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq10-test-143968 which is how I self-screened. I scored enough to get the confidence to have a discussion with my GP and explore options to have work support me with an assessment.

I was really wobbly about attending-  I remember going to a walk in the woods near my house, standing alone on a bridge overlooking a stream wondering what on earth it was, I was doing. I remember thinking that perhaps I was conning everyone (talk about imposter syndrome!!), that whatever it was I was struggling with, it's because I wasn't trying hard enough. I decided then that whatever happened I would "trust the process" - which I think meant I was handing it over for providence / fate / sheer chance / accepting consequences.

Then I decided whichever way it went I could scratch if off my list. If it was - great, access to resources, perspectives and things I hadn't considered before. If not, then I'm no worse off (I'm may not be better off but at least I would know).

When I was diagnosed it was odd - I think I spent some time actually resisting the diagnosis as some of the recommendations didn't make sense. Then the more I read of other people's experiences the more I realised "that's me" - they had the same questions, similar struggles and strategies that started to make sense. I'm still coming to terms with the fact the experience is unique (I had a good laugh with a work colleague of mine that sadly I was rubbish at counting cards and I'm no Dustin Hoffman, but I was very good at making lists for things and getting annoyed at people for not telling me things in advance of meetings!)

I've also had occasions where NT's have told me that "x is the same for them". I think it's a way of trying to connect - the experience may be the same. It's the impact and the processing which is different. A recent conversation about a difficulty at work (both me and my manager had some work we'd been doing kyboshed) highlighted this - my manager was "what is X doing, who do they think they are" - the whole thing was about relationships and social positioning. They took it as someone trying to boost their credibility at our expense. I was approaching the system "why did Y happen, what information did they use? why has it been communicated this way? did they not understand something?". I took it to be a decision based on faulty reasoning. Which is why when my manager had finished ranting she could still make an evening meal and mind the kids and I went into a full blown meltdown that evening for about 10 hours because I was trying to look for information that simply wasn't there and needed half a day to recover (we swapped notes the following day!)

Please stay the course. It's tempting to listen to those around you and allow them to influence your decision- everyone likes to be an expert - or at least think they're reasonably well informed about everything and I include myself in that category. I was told there was nothing wrong with me for years (thanks family!), that I just needed a kick up the backside (extended family), that I needed to trust god more (church), that I shouldn't worry so much and enjoy life (friends, when I used to hang around them), just get on with it (family again), I needed to get some more interests / make more friends - the list goes on. And each and every one of my Job's comforter's was wrong. 

I found the psychologist was right. Because their strategies work. I don't particularly like having a coloured mood chart on my desk that I check-in with just to put a name to whatever it is I'm feeling - but it works. I really don't like to have to build in buffer time between work tasks, or having to have things explained in a way just for me so it's clear and I can get a handle on it (I really wish I was better equipped to follow meetings and lively conversations), or have a list of scripts to eject myself from situations - or even sometimes just to consciously think about what I'm doing and have my phone bleep to remind me to stop and check in with myself because I can get caught up in busyness and chasing ideas like dogs chase cars losing time and focus. I'm learning to accept I have to do these things because to have a better quality of life I have to do these things. 

Whatever "normal" for someone else is I've finally accepted I'll never be that. But now I can allow myself to breathe - I can be my "normal" which is what I'd been fighting against for years. It's not good to be at war against yourself. 

Are you right/wrong? Only the assessment will point in right direction. Whichever way it goes - you'll know something you didn't know before and can move forward. 

Wishing you the very best of luck!

Hi, Ethan:

I just wanted to reach out and thank you so much for your message. I read it slowly and carefully and I'll re-read it again tomorrow morning with coffee, savouring every word.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom!

Elizabeth