Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I'm new here and this is the first time I've ever reached out to other people.
I'm 31 and have been suffering with chronic depression for over 5 years, well...only those 5 years have been treated.
My entire life has been a struggle. From being forcibly removed from a Wendy House as a child, screaming because it was safe and I was left alone to getting fired from every job I get because I "don't fit in" or get on with other people there eg. I just don't talk to them or I don't have the same energy.
I've never had friends and in my adult life I count 1 and the rest are people online. The distance from them makes me feel safe.
I play a lot of online video games. Not loud, shooty types but one's like Final Fantasy 14 when I can just exist in a world for a while and gather some stuff to craft with for hours. I don't have to talk to anyone but I like seeing people there.
I'm also an artist but I never really finish any of my pieces ha.
So today I finally had a requested phone call from my GP and...i froze. I panicked and I said all the wrong things and I just couldn't express why I feel I may be autistic. I had the conversation all planned out on my head but when it came to it I just crumbled. I felt stupid and attention seeking...everything I said could be put down to depression or just...nothing. I'm so upset but I couldn't explain my life in 10 minutes.
The good news is, is that he told me to send him a written letter via post explaining why I wish to be tested etc. But I'm struggling. It's not that I don't have reasons and examples and family members to back me up, it's that I feel I'm once again just going to be washed over with the "you're just eccentric" or "it's the depression" brush.
I just...can't say what I want to and this phone call took years for me to make and I feel just so utterly stupid.
Is there anyone who could give me a few tips to help filter my thoughts to put them on paper for me to send to him? Anything that could help properly express the struggles I had growing up and in adult life? I feel like because I cant express them, I can't make anyone believe me and that is devastating...
Thank you for your time :)
Hi Velvet, I'm 39. Awaiting an Assessment. I suppose I'm fortunate, my referral was done by my Counsellor who was treating me for PTSD. She used to work with Autistic children so was able to recognise what no one else, even myself could see. What I've found, is that I've spent so much of my life adapting that I wholeheartedly believed that I was normal and just, 'sucked at life'.
I've been reading books by Authors in similar situations to myself. That is, woman on the spectrum who were diagnosed in later life. By reading their experiences, it's helped me to spot the similarities in my own life and to understand that those actions are not normal and why they would be considered an Autistic Trait.
I had so little confidence at first that I didn't want anyone at work or in my family to know until I was finally assessed. Now I feel like it's the missing piece of the puzzle and I'm more afraid of being told that it's not Autism! If that happens, I'm back to square one, not having the faintest idea why I am the way I am.
I'd suggest you take your time. I have depression and Anxiety disorder so I can appreciate it's hard to deal with things at times. Read as much as you can and start to get an idea of what traits you most associate with. The referral for me involved examples so it's worthwhile to think back to the different situations and write them down as you remember the details.