Struggling with work

I have always struggled in the work place.

I have worked for my current employer for two years. This is a true record for me. Usually I can hold a post for six month to a year, maximum.

My experiences in work places has been nothing short of traumatic. I deeply struggle.

I do better at reading people now in my 40's than I did in my first 30 years. My current employer isn't a terrible one. I think they are actually really good and I often tell them that I love my job and that they are the best employer I have ever had.

However, I am really struggling. I find that the deeper into a workplace I go, the more I feel out of depth. The waters seem to get muddier and I feel like I'm wading into a thick fog.

I work hard and I try my best to do things right but I always feel like disaster is just on the horizon. I will miss regular social cues and I can easily miss impending doom. However, I am also super sensitive and can at times feel when something is wrong even if every one does the usual NT thing of telling me everything is fine.

I can't do the right dance if no one will tell me what tune is playing. I am always worried that I am missing something.

A colleague recently told me that all the managers are good with me but that I need to watch my back when it comes to the big boss. This was definitely specifically about me. he wouldn't tell me anything else.

Now I feel like it's all going to fall apart and that I have no understanding or control over it. I can't tell anyone because this person shouldn't have told me this and that kind of complicated he said, she said never end well for us.

I'm devastated. I love my job. I felt valued and empowered and was so proud to be part of the team. Now I feel like it was a stupid fantasy and that I am probably not really of any value and am being watched and even plotted against.

I don't think I could face another job. I want to work but I just can't handle all the trauma that comes with it. My world feels like it's falling apart and I want so badly to withdraw and hide from this. I don't know how I am going to manage in work today. I feel like whatever I do, it will just make things worse.

I didn't know where else to go with this. It's hard to find people who understand me.

I have to go into work now and for the first time since starting there, I just don't want to go in.